Is reaching out a good idea just to end curiosity about ex?
Hi, I’ve posted about this before, so thank you for patience. I am scared to post this as I’m very ashamed I still feel the same way and I’m sorry for that. I can’t access therapy atm but any advice would be appreciated.
Context:
2 years ago my ex cheated on me throughout the entire relationship by having two consecutive relationships (the other with his long-term ex of 4 years who he got back together with a week prior to meeting me)-(months of deception, gaslighting, keeping me secret but pretending not to, went on holiday with her, lied for a week after I caught him, etc.)(it was my first love and has deeply traumatised me). I have never received any real apology or reflection aside from the sorry he gave after I caught him.
In July 2022, 8 months after, he messaged with no hello or context saying “we ought to meet to talk” – i declined as I was not ready.
March 2023, once I felt more recovered, I reached out asking what he wanted to say as I didn’t want regrets that I gave no chance. He told me he’d been open to talk all in July 2022 but the “moment has passed” and he suspects “with time, some things are best left where it was”. I said I thought I’d offer now I was ready to hear him but I understand. I was incredibly hurt but had no choice to accept/ try to move on.
10 months later-December 2023 he messaged out of the blue with a total 180 saying (no hello or any context):
“I’m back home-if you are free and willing to talk?”.
I was utterly shocked and debated what to say but replied honestly as I felt so done and confused.
“Frankly I’m still not able to comprehend what you want to talk or meet about and don’t appreciate the lack of context, personal tone or clear intentionality in this or previous messages when you asked to meet. I feel confused by the fact that earlier in the year you felt the “moment has passed” and now you send this, and I struggle to see how you’ve expected I could even consider meeting when there’s no real clarity or emotional reflection and accountability in any of your attempts to contact me. Without this, I can only really take this as another throwaway message because you feel like popping back in which, given what’s happened between us, isn’t welcomed and is inappropriate.”
He replied saying:
“Fair enough. I am back home till the start of January for Christmas after which I’m disappearing. I still think the moment has passed and am happy to leave things as are but because you wanted to meet i thought it would be interesting to talk about the past and present-even if it means throwing a chamber pot over my head”
I didn’t know what to say as I felt hurt by many elements of his text. I followed family/friend advice and didn’t respond as i saw little reflection/ care. I questioned if I was dramatic or reading him wrong though.
Current feelings:
It’s been 3 months since and I’m struggling a lot. I feel physically anxious and empty thinking of it. I just want to talk rather than be stuck with residual feelings that wont go even if written, but am unsure how it would pan out in a non circular and productive way and rationally know why I shouldn’t but my brain feels fixated. I’ve felt this way for 2 years now so I’m exhausted and am tempted to do it (thinking how bad can it really be) in hopes it’ll stop and I can be free from curiosity.
I’ve not managed to completely stop looking him up online in the 2 years (which I know doesn’t help but I’m trying hard). When together he was this incredibly well read, into writing, intellectual mind who loved travelling. Him and his ‘ex’ travelled extensively having huge experiences whilst in uni that I have yet to accomplish. Since broken up/when together he went on incredible bike expeditions through multiple countries and recently I saw he’s planning to hitchhike from the other side of the world home. It shouldn’t matter but I can’t get it out of my head. I feel so small and like I’ve done nothing of that gravity and depth (though he’s financially privileged) and that I was just a speck in his rich wide life which gives him so much maturity/wisdom on the world. I’ll never know as much literature or of the world as he does at this age and I know I shouldn’t compare (currently I too am living abroad) but I find it hard not to and feel like I can’t get there. I’ll never be able to speak about it with him and find out what he learnt and that he’s always disappearing to the next great thing and my stuff doesn’t matches.
I hope to have the conversation on call (unsure why he never suggests calling) so I can share/ hear and the urge leaves my brain but I’m so so scared that he’ll reject me out of spite, say too much time has gone again or act nonchalant and make it worse. I feel so conflicted by this everyday. I also have my self respect part saying he doesn’t deserve that and it enables how shit he’s been. I also feel upset that he acknowledged I’d be angry or that he’ll be getting consequences (chamber pot) but left it like that for so long. But the lack of knowing makes me so anxious and I feel like I can’t move on as my minds not liking anyone new. Being abroad also makes it harder to date.
I feel tainted and a fool for how he treated me and keeps treating me and I wish I was nonchalant but can’t quite manage it as I’m still hurt/ unsettled. Which feels stupid after so long and I hate how I feel. The whole thing was so wrong and seeing other relationships , I compare a lot and am ashamed I didn’t spot it quicker. Idk what I did to deserve the lack of any serious words and since he reached out I feel even more confused by it all. I feel from his tone that he’s treating it as something that happened and was interesting to still maintain a position of control.
Knowing it’s left on weird back and forth and he’s happy with it makes me upset. I genuinely feel panicked by the days going forward knowing he’ll reject it and I’ll be too late, which feels like a time limit. It’s been so long I feel crazy but part of me ponders if I should give it a chance given he did.
At the moment I struggle not to just message and do it despite knowing it’s not the best move. Any insights would be appreciated, I’m aware I’m insane.