I’ve been seeing my partner for 4 years and we have an amazing sex life. We’re super open with each other and both enjoy the sex that we have together.
It’s always improving too. We’ve had mismatched libidos in the past, for example, I think we did a great job of working through that and now have a much better balance.
Something that has come up several times though is the mismatch in our kinks. I’m generally a very open person sexually, I’m very curious, heteroflexible, and actively wanting to try kinks that I’ve fantasized about for a long time, but never had the opportunity to explore.
My partner is less open and curious than I am, but has still been awesome despite that. We’ve tried some of these kinks, some they liked, some they are fine with because I get enjoyment out of them, and some were less fine but they’re still open to them in the future. Some of these kinks are unthinkable for my partner though.
Sometimes, when I approach my partner about a kink it can cause discomfort and in some cases, they can become really upset. In the uncomfortable scenarios it can come from a dislike of the kink, or simply just not knowing what to do or say to participate in it. The upsetting situations can be due to future projections. “If we do this, what will you want to do next?”. Or the suggestion can sometimes make my partner feel like I don’t hold our relationship sacred in some way (this mostly comes up around non-monogamy for example).
So I’m feeling very conflicted at the moment. On one hand, I don’t want to upset my partner or make them feel uncomfortable, on the other hand, I don’t want to purposefully oppress myself sexually because I think that may only end in resentment.
So, has anyone else experienced this? What were you able to do to work through it?
I love my partner and I don’t want this to impact our relationship negatively.
Edits:
Examples of kinks that we’ve tried and still do:
* Hotwifing role play with just us (with a little cuckholding)
* Using dildos larger than normal, using cock sleeves or strap ons
* Watching same sex porn together
* I have same sex, one sided non-monogomy
Examples of kinks we tried, no longer do, but may do again in the future:
* Actual hotwifing (but not cuckholding)
* Pegging
* They had differnet sex, one sided non-monogomy
Examples of kinks that upset my partner:
* Friends with benefits or anything more than “casual fuck and go”
* Me having different sex, one sided non-monogomy
The list goes on, but I hope that’s illustrative enough.
I don’t repeatedly bring up the same kinks over and over if my partner has been upset by them or expressed a hard no. If they have said they’re not sure, “maybe in the future” or something along those lines then I will bring it up again, but not otherwise. I will bring up what I see as a compromise though. If they are not interested in actual hotwifing, then I’ll suggest roleplay for example.
Some kinks have upset my partner the first time they were brought up. Some were simply a result of a misunderstanding. They thought I was suggesting a full-blown romantic relationship with someone else when I suggested friends with benefits.
Also, as I mentioned above, sometimes it’s not the kink itself, but an extrapolation of the kink. Recently I suggested that I get a masturbation device that would be mostly automatic without the need for anyone to “operate” it, and this was not a problem itself, but it was extrapolated in my partner’s head into believing that I will eventually want to branch out into different sex non-monogamy on my side, which upset my partner.
I understand that sometimes sexual incompatibility may be a cause for some couples to break up. I don’t feel like this is a big enough issue for us to even come close to considering that option. It’s not a dealbreaker, but is something that we’d like to work through so that we can have a healthier sex life.