My husband (35M) and I (30F) have been married almost 8 years and I feel like in one hand it is most of everything I ever wanted and in the other hand existentially lonely and unsettling.
What I always wanted was kids, a house, a job I loved, and a partner who supported me and empowered me to be the best version of myself. I have kids and a house, but I don’t have as many kids as I planned to have and I am scared it doesn’t make sense to have anymore right now, even though I would like one more.
I don’t have a partner who supports me and makes me feel safe. I have a partner who is resentful of anything I try to do that takes time away from me spending time with him or the kids. I have a partner who has encouraged me to stay trapped in a job without upward mobility. A partner who wants me to have more friends but doesn’t want me to have any time to spend with friends.
I have a partner who doesn’t see how hard I work and tells me constantly how frustrated he is that I don’t do even more, but I feel like I am doing so much and he catches the moments where I recharge and uses them as proof that I could do more.
We also are not sexually active. We haven’t had sex in almost 3 years. We had troubles before that point, but they were somewhat ignored and got worse. Every time we would have sex I would end up crying because I felt so alone and misunderstood. I felt like he was using my body to get off and ignoring all of my sexual desires.
We have an open relationship and infrequently I will see someone on the side (once a month or less). This is someone I have sexual chemistry but not a lot of emotional chemistry with.
I’m scared I am going to miss out on a greater love in my life. I do not want sex once a month and I don’t want sex every week with a person who doesn’t even care if I am turned on before having sex with me. I know sex is only one of many issues here, but it is a big sticking point because I feel like I have never had the kind of love or sex or passion that I always imagined was an essential part of life.
I know everyone talks about not living with regret, but I feel stuck because I feel like I must choose between the “happy” home for my children (including one with ASD) or the prospect of a future love.
I feel so sad when my husband says things like “you are my other half” because I feel like he is actually not my other half, but I don’t even know if I will ever get the chance to actually feel that way about anyone.
Tl;dr I don’t think my husband is the love of my life, but I feel torn between finding that love and having a stable home for my kids.