My wife and I are mid thirties, two kids and have been together since we were teenagers. We are each others first and only sexual partners
She is bad at sex. Like seriously terrible. And I know that’s it my fault.
She’s terrible because I’ve allowed her to be. I was so worried when we got together about being pushy or anything that I never prioritised my own pleasure in any way. I read so many books and articles before we were first intimate about how sex is generally bad for women and men are uncaring and PIV focussed etc and I was determined to not be like those other guys.
So every sexual experience we have, I go all out and she just gets to lay there and have orgasm after orgasm. Any sexual fantasy she wants to try gets acted out in meticulous detail exactly as she wants it.
And she puts absolutely zero effort in to making sure I have fun at all. Anything I’ve ever asked to try that doesn’t involve her having an orgasm is shot down. Any sexual activity for me that doesn’t also give her pleasure is ignored.
Our typical sexual experience looks like this. I do all the foreplay while she lays there. I’ll be going down on her and then one of two things happens:
1. She orgasms. If she does then she no longer wants sex of any kind. She gets very sensitive after she cums and everything stops. 9.5 times out of ten she will then get up, go to the bathroom to clean up and then put her PJ’s on and go to sleep. One in twenty times she will make some comments about it not being fair her not doing anything to me and she will proceed to give me a very unenthusiastic handjob. Most of the time this does not make me orgasm and she stops because her hand gets tired. Then she puts her PJ’s on and goes to sleep.
2. We do oral for just long enough for her to not orgasm and we have sex. After sex I then make sure she orgasms either through oral, fingers or a toy.
She has never had a sexual experience with me without at least one orgasm.
I’ve never pushed back against this. I was always content that she was having a good time and convinced myself that her pleasure was my pleasure.
But recently scenario one has been a lot more common than two. I’m eating her out 3-4 times a week and we are having sex maybe once a month. What was an orgasm gap is now an orgasm grand canyon and I’m starting to resent her for this.
I would give anything to have sex and get her experience. I want to be touched, I want to feel like the other person wants nothing more in that moment than to taste me and that they desire me.
I know it’s my own fault. We were each others teachers for sex in a way and I was so focussed on making sure she had a good experience that I never taught her what I like. And now she’s had twenty years of easy sex and tons of orgasms and she has precisely zero interest in touching me.
I don’t know how to fix this without dropping a nuclear bomb on my marriage. I’ve tried hinting stuff that I like or want to try without success. I outright asked to try things that would give me pleasure without it involving stuff on her body (like pegging). It’s not like I’m trying to make her give blowjobs or anal or stuff that physically impacts her.
I don’t know what to do or how to bring this up. I’ve let it go on for almost twenty years at this point. But I can’t face the thought of another twenty years of mediocre sex where I do all the work. I feel like a glorified sex toy at this point. I don’t want to have another instance of spending half an hour eating someone’s ass and pussy only to have to go and quietly wank in a bathroom.
This is kind of a half asking for advice and half rant post. I don’t see any way this is fixable without it causing almost terminal relationship issues but maybe someone else on here does?