I’m 34 and had always been pretty introverted until I met my wife. Most of the people we hang out with are her friends and their husbands. They’re cool but a lot of them are good ol’ boys and I’m not, so it’s hard to relate to most things. I can still carry a conversation no problem though. My wife and her friends talk all the time, go out for drinks, and do their nails. Ya know, typical woman stuff.
I’m still an introvert at heart so when she goes out, that’s just fine with me. House to myself, music up loud, and a horror movie marathon.
In my spare time, I play guitar and have a band that has practice once a week. I’ve known these guys for almost 20 years. We hung out more when we were younger but never really what I would consider “a lot”. However, I still think of these guys as my best friends, just because of how long we’ve known each other and we get together once a week for practice. But that’s all it is. We rarely talk about things outside of music. We just don’t hang out.
I’m always sending memes, Tik Toks, YouTube, or just stuff I think they’d like or think is funny, but I very rarely ever get a response. I’m always the one offering up rides to places if we’re going to the same place, or trying to make the plans to get together. A couple of the guys will go out if they don’t have to organize but it’s usually me doing all the asking. No one ever reaches out or makes an effort to sustain the friendship. If I didn’t try or play music with them, I’d probably never hear from them again.
I know people drift as you get older but I’ve just been thinking about life more lately and people that have these awesome bonds where they’d do anything for each other, without hesitation. These aren’t those friends, and that type of friendship doesn’t exist in my life.
This doesn’t bother me as much as it’s coming off but I’m just curious how much effort you guys put into your friendships. Do your friends hit you up still or are you putting in all the work?
3 comments
I find if it requires effort it really isn’t a friendship. Some people are just more social than others, just because you don’t have a slew of best friends doesn’t mean something is wrong.
I would just look for clubs, organizations, volunteer groups, meet up groups etc. which overlap your interests. Play the odds. Look for someone easy to talk to and open up a little. That’s your best bet. I’m a lot like you but over the years I have developed strong friendships. But it does take me time to do it
You sound very similar to me, friendship group based on my wife’s / their husbands, etc.
Like you, NOT having friends doesn’t really bother me but I do have groups I see regularly (my D&D group, quiz night group, etc).
I have maybe a small handful of friendships I feed into to help maintain but other than that I don’t really bother.
I was in the same exact boat (with the exception of the band) about 8 months ago. So what I did was I stopped trying to be the “glue” between people who don’t even give my texts recognition. I stopped calling and planning trips. The outcome? They didn’t inquire about the absence, allowing me to seek out other social means. And in the last couple months, I have a regular gym partner and a converse with a neighbor about gardening and urban development every weekend. I’m pretty content. It’s not what I had before but these new friends remind me that life can be exciting. Just keep in mind that a friendship isn’t one carried by one person.