Sorry this is a long one but any help is appreciated. My bf (26m) and I (26f) have been together for around 6 months, he is the first boyfriend I have ever had however I am not his first partner. A couple months before we starting talking he broke up with his long term gf of 6 years. They had a cat together which he insisted on having as he would be living alone whilst she would still be with her family (they were living together at the time of the breakup). Since the beginning of our relationship I have always felt like he wasn’t completely over his ex, I expressed my concerns over this as soon as they developed and he told me that he has moved on from his last relationship and is ready to start something new, he also said though he will still always care about her and would help her should she ever want him to. He still also keeps sentimental things from her like a box of their photos etc. as I couldn’t relate and don’t have an experience to compare with this, I tried to be understanding, he has a right to keep his memories and things that remind him of happy moments. I have found throughout our time together he repeatedly brings up his ex, like I would say at least a couple times a week. Most of it is small things, for example I mentioned that whenever he is on the phone he walks around the room. I bought it up as a funny observation and he responded lightheartedly, well my ex told me she thinks it’s very attractive of me. This is something that happens a lot, we will just talk about something and sometimes he manages to bring her into the conversation. I usually just laugh and say okay and skip over it but if I’m honest, it bothers me a bit. As I said I have nothing to compare it to as I have no ex so I have just told myself maybe it’s normal. My first question is, would you say it’s quite normal to bring up an ex so much despite being in a new relationship? He says it is, they were together for a long time so it’s normal for him to think about her sometimes and can’t help that she comes up a lot, I am struggling to understand this.
They don’t talk anymore however they still follow each other on instagram, I asked why if they don’t speak anymore and he told me I have her muted so I don’t see her posts but she told me she wants to see what I’m doing and get up to so we still follow each other, my second question is do you believe it’s healthy to do this with your ex? I feel a bit weird about this but I’m trying to understand that maybe it is a normal thing and the reason I don’t understand is because I’ve never experienced this myself. I’m just struggling to understand his reasoning behind this.
He says that his ex is no longer part of his life, but i feel like I will always hear about her. I just also found out that they both will contact each other regarding expenses for his cat, ie asking if the other will pay for stuff. It seems like it’s not his cat and it’s still their cat together, how is she not a part of your life when you both share responsibility over something? I’m trying hard to see his point of view of this all being normal, and don’t want to be unreasonable. So before I bring up my feelings about everything again I would like help to maybe understand his side better, is everything I’ve mentioned Normal? I do think it’s jealousy that’s driving my feelings and if you agree please just say so lol I will not be offended.
Tal;dr – I feel like I am being unfair by thinking the way I am, i know that maybe the best thing would be to try and be more understanding for his point of view, but as it is my first relationship I really struggle sometimes and just need advice