Due to my self-esteem issues and social anxiety, I didn’t live the life I was supposed to live. I walked through the hallways of my high school for the past 4 years all by myself with no one to talk to. As I walked in the halls, I always see others socializing with friends and having people to talk to as they walk to their classes together in groups.
I sat at an office during lunchtime all by myself pretending to do something on my phone, and completely avoided the lunchroom because of my issues meanwhile all the other students were eating lunch together, chatting, laughing, and enjoying each others company for the past 4 years.
In classes, I was always terrified when the teacher asked us to find a partner to do group work since I’d never have anyone to partner up with, and the teacher would have to force me to join someone’s group…
The school yearbook and there’s not a single photo of me there due to the issues I had. I looked at all the students having a fun time and how they enjoyed their high school life.
I could have done so much with my life. I could have tried to put an effort into my looks and try to socialize and build up my status since the 9th grade but my anti-socialness and self esteem issues and me thinking I was fugly stopped me from making friends or being able to fit in. And this was a mistake on my part because i realized im actually really handsome. I have no memories to look back to in Highschool. Others will have so many fun and wonderful high school memories to look back to yet I have nothing. Everyone went to parties, get togethers, went shopping with friends, posted selfies on social media together, went to restaurants together, celebrated birthdays together and overall got to enjoy each other’s presence and make the best out of their high school experience. My HS was full of asians and I wish I could have been connected to them all this time. But my self esteem issues were at a rock bottom which prevented me from having asian girlfriends and asian guy friends. I am not asian but was always fascinated by them.
High school is nothing without friends or company. I didn’t realize how much this isolation would kill me until now. It just suddenly hit me now at 30 that high school is over and I never got to enjoy it. I never got to make friends or socialize or fit in with others. I cannot redo my life. I feel like an alien. I have NO ONE to talk to or make me feel wanted. I have spent all my living years alone without any friends or anyone to give me company or support.
Life is nothing without friends. Humans live off interaction with one another and cannot function without it. Social isolation has driven me to want to kill myself. Life is nothing when you’re all alone like me.
I am changing now though at 30, and doing all the things I should have done in my 20s but feel like im too late already what do you guys think? Im at a point where i dont give a fck anymore and im going to live like im 20 again, and do all those things i was supposed to do.