TL;dr: relationship issues such as a diminished sex life and long nights out without communication has led to a conversation of her questioning her sexuality.
To preface this, my wife and I have been together since high school (going on 11 years) and married for 4 years, we’ve had an amazing relationship up until about 2 years ago where our sex life has drastically changed. We would most days have sex once or twice a day and now it’s maybe once a month. We’ve both noticed this change and have talked about it extensively but nothing seems to change. I am currently working on obtaining my phD and she works a high stress job that she has expressed is a big source of anxiety/stress. We’ve talked about life style changes to help mitigate the stress but she just dismisses the ideas.
Lately she has been going out a lot more and staying out late when she typically is a homebody and asleep by 10. She’s now out until midnight sometimes without communicating for hours at a time. I just recently had to go on a scavenger hunt for her because she wasn’t answer my texts or calls and I was worried about her because she told me in the morning that she was going to a mall that isn’t particularly safe (especially at night which is when I got worried). Turns out she was with her male gay best friend (whom I’ve never met) for most of the night and when I confront her about the sheer lack of communication, she dismisses it and tells me I don’t need to be worried about it.
After my confrontation, we both sat down and talked about our future and if we’re growing apart. That’s when she lays a bombshell on me and tells me she feels like we’re just roommates sometimes ….I was completely taken back by this because she is quite literally the love of my life and my best friend that I envisioned my life with. I asked her if she is still attracted to me physically and if she still wants to be with me to which she replies yes to both and I also affirm to her that I married her to be with her for the rest of my life. We leave it there for a couple days.
Fast forward through sleepless nights and over thinking, I decided to ask her if she’s questioning her sexuality (there were signs; the lack of intimacy, a grand majority of her friends are gay men, she doesn’t find men other than me attractive and she’s very much an active ally of the LGBTQIA+ community). She is shocked that I ask the question and immediately dismisses it; but the next day, she comes to me and tells me she doesn’t know…I ask her what makes her feel that way and she tells me that she’s never thought about it before.
I just want my wife to be happy. I want her to tell me how she truly feels, whether she’s gay or not. Im worried that she’s afraid to tell me for the fear of hurting me but in reality I’d rather her just tell me now so we can move on with our lives if needed. I WANT to be with my wife, I love her with all of my heart; but it feels like we’re at an impasse here. Any advice is more than welcome as I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
**sorry for the terrible layout of this post, I’m writing this at 5:22am**
4 comments
Sounds like she’s going through a major life crisis that could have serious implications for your relationship, and this is what she decides to share with you? The fact that she’s questioning her sexuality AFTER getting married and not before is concerning. But hey, maybe your wife just needs some time to figure things out and I hope you both can work through it together. Wishing you all the best.
Sounds like the “gay” friends you haven’t met are not actually gay and that one or more of them is having sex with your wife. But whether thats true or not, she is not into you anymore. Divorce now so you can get alimony and be able to fund your PhD completion and get a head start on your new life. Sorry this happened to you. Good Luck!
You seem like a really great husband, OP, and I’m sorry you are going through this.
First off, you guys need to go to couples counseling and each to individual therapy, immediately.
Second, if I were you I’d set a hard requirement that you meet her friends, especially her best friend! It’s super weird not to have met your partner’s best friend, and makes me think something fishy is going on.
Third, hard requirement that she doesn’t stay out late without warning you. You have a right to know whether your wife will be home for dinner, home before bedtime, or neither.
If she can’t make those changes immediately, I’d be worried about an affair or drugs.
Good luck!
Why aren’t you going out with her and her friends? Maybe whatever is behind that is also behind the root of your issues. You mentioned that she’s an active ally of the LGBT community. Are you not? Does she know the answer to that question? Would she have reason to be nervous about inviting you to hang with her friends? What if you started to get along with all of her gay friends and hit it off with them? You would have more friends, you’d have a great time with your girl, and that could really set the mood. You say she’s like your best friend, so I’m confused why you’re at home in bed when she’s having a good time out of the house living her life… when you’re upset about her not communicating while she’s out, ask why she needs to even be texting you anyway. Do you really want someone you care about to interrupt their time with their friends to be on their phone? For what? Reassurance they haven’t stopped loving you in the past 4 hours? Chill! Who wants to be texting when they’re out having a good time? I think your expectations of how she should behave when she’s out are odd. She’s having fun, if you were having fun too you wouldn’t care about the lack of communication. You say you want to be with your wife, then be with her! Get a new snazzy outfit and get ready to impress her friends. 🙂