My bf is very attached/clingy. Not that I think that means he’s a bad person or anything, but it’s just a fact. When we would go to each other’s houses in the first month of dating, we’d spend all day there. Like 8-9 hours. But after a few weeks I started to want more time to myself. Like, I love our time together, but I’d rather be doing stuff on my own as opposed to just laying on his bed staring into space. I like *quality* time and doing *activities* together. I really don’t enjoy just sitting in his room. He sees that as quality time, though. And he LOVES physical affection, so that is prime time to cuddle & have sex.
My sister told me today that she thinks he is manipulating me. Here is the situation: he has been wanting to go to a specific store. I’ve suggested three or four times that we could meet there. It makes logistical sense — this place is 15 min from me and 30 min from him. My house is 25 min from him. He wants to drive 25 min to me, then have me drive us 15 min to the store, then drive 15 min home, and then he’d drive 25 min back to his house later on. It would be easier for both of us to meet there. I said that the first few times and he just said that he doesn’t mind driving. Whenever he brought up our plans again and coming over to my house before, I’d say “hmm” or “maybe” to which he’d send a sad emoji or, if on the phone, he’d say “okaaaaay….” in a kind of condescending tone (like a baby-ish voice, idk how to explain). So on the phone today I said I could actually go today instead of tomorrow. He said sure, if I want to. I said let’s meet there. Then he said, “Oh, well if we go tomorrow, would I come over to your house? I’d rather do tomorrow then.” **So, he didn’t want to see me today because that meant he wouldn’t come over before & after.** I was annoyed at that point and said, “Why do you want to come over to my house so badly?” and he said “More time to cuddle,” again in a baby-ish, pleading tone. He also said, “so we can drive together,” which idk why that is a pro at all. I didn’t know what to say so I just went, “Oh, haha.” I assume cuddles mean sex because whenever we go to each other’s houses, we just sit on the bed until he starts initiating. I understand sex is normal in relationships (& his drive is much higher than mine) and I enjoy sex, but doesn’t it usually happen sort of naturally? Like couples are doing something together and then you go to the bedroom and do it? With us, there isn’t any “come over to watch TV” or “come over to draw, read, walk, etc.” and then sex happens along with that. It’s always just that I we go in each other’s rooms and sex happens. I don’t know exactly why, but I’d prefer if we did actual activities, ya know?
My sister said that he insists on coming over to my house (even instead of me going there — he said he doesn’t like the store by him as much, although it has better reviews on google) because he knows that I have a hard time asking him to leave, so he can stay longer. He knows this, since I’ve told him twice before that it’s hard for me to ask him to leave. In the past, he has joked around & not gotten up from my bed, so I physically pulled him up. Other times I pretty much have to remind him every minute that it’s time for him to go. Other times he’s asked why I got no work done and I’ve said, “I told you I can’t ever ask you to leave, and I can’t focus when you’re here” and he’s just smirked or said “sorrryyy.” Last time he was here I told him that it took me over an hour to muster up the courage to ask him to leave. I said that I felt mean. He reassured me that he didn’t think I was mean to do that, but clearly he should gather from these situations that I find it hard to ask him to leave. If he knows this, why is he insisting on coming over when I have suggested multiple times to meet at this store, instead?!!! Plus, he has not asked me why I want to meet there. I’ve asked him why he wants to come over, though. You’d think he’d ask why I am bringing up meeting there so much.
I don’t know if he’s actually manipulating or if he just really wants to see me. He obviously wants to see me more often and is less independent, and he’s said that his past relationships hurt him bc they were way more independent than he is. I was clingy in the first few weeks as well so I told him not to worry and that I liked the attention. But now it has been making me less attracted and is pushing me away, to be honest.
I have has sexual trauma in the past and I either over- or under- analyze risk, so I really need some outside perspective. I can give more detail or examples if needed. So please ask away & thank you for any advice & if you read this far.
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TLDR: My bf insists on meeting at my house to “cuddle” instead of meeting places. My sister says he is manipulating me. I don’t know what is normal or not normal.
12 comments
If he won’t see you or spend time with you unless sex is on the table that is a red flag. You also need to speak up for yourself more in this relationship and be more direct. You need to set firmer boundaries and maintain them. Be honest with him and let him know how his behavior is affecting your feelings for him.
Why are you with him? It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.
He’s manipulating you. It’s very weird and not normal for someone to knowingly & constantly overstay their welcome and try to get sex out of you. If you aren’t genuinely turned on or in the mood to have sex you owe it to yourself to tell him no. It’s a hard boundary to learn but boundaries are like muscles and they will get stronger the more you use them. You don’t owe your boyfriend all your time, your body or your personal space at all. You have no reason to feel guilty.
He sounds selfish. He is placing his own needs and wants above your own. That doesn’t make for a good relationship longterm.
It sounds like what is needed here is better communication. You need to tell him directly the things you like (which from your reports are numerous) and the things you need him to change – foreground the positive, but mention that there are the things that are starting to frustrate you, and you want to talk about and deal with them now instead of letting them grow.
Don’t assume people are just going to figure things out, though. If he is clingy, and still in the first throes of love, he isn’t necessarily going to be seeing things the same way you are. You should of course be kind, but you also need to let him know clearly what your expectations are. That way, if he is doing something wrong after that, you can definitively track how much he is ignoring your requests, and not feel so much uncertainty.
Also, make sure to stand up for yourself. Don’t leave it an hour before finally pushing him out, for example. Let him know immediately when you need alone time; if he is the right guy, he will respect that.
He sounds very annoying.
So, there are a bunch of problems with his behaviour. There’s one big problem on your side, which is this difficulty setting boundaries and telling him no or to leave. The thing is, you’ve told him about this problem, and it seems his response has been to weaponize that knowledge against you. A good partner who hears that you have trouble asserting certain kinds of boundary will be *more careful* to respect those boundaries, because the idea of pressuring you into something you don’t want but don’t feel able to refuse feels bad to them. This guy seems to be taking that as license to eat up your time, space, and attention safe in the knowledge that you’re reluctant to defend them.
You’re waiting for him to pick up hints about what you want (even though you haven’t hinted, you’ve told him directly), but you’re ignoring the clear message his behaviour is sending you: he knows what you want, he knows you’re unhappy, he knows his actions are distressing you, but he doesn’t care and he’s going to keep doing it because it gets him what he wants, and the cost to you is either acceptable or a bonus in his eyes.
Your best move is to deliberately work on being a lot more willing to be “mean”. When he starts wheedling you in a baby voice, tell him it’s unattractive and annoying. Immediately take whatever he was trying to get off the table. Make it so acting in these manipulative ways does not ever get him what he wants. Name the behaviour explicitly and call it out, every time. Don’t help him dress it up as cutesy playfulness. If he’s refusing to leave when you’ve told him to, you’re not “reminding” him every minute – he hasn’t forgotten, and you shouldn’t indulge the fiction that he has. You’ve told him to leave. If he refuses to leave you’ll have to kick him out. If you have to kick him out he won’t be welcome back.
Yup you are being manipulated and then gaslit. He doesn’t want to meet up with you unless it leads to sex. He doesn’t want to do things if it doesn’t lead to sex.
Look, you have needs to and they aren’t even unreasonable. I would assume if I was only meeting up with someone to have sex it was more of a fwb thing than a relationship,, but then a lot of fwb still do things as friends together. You need dates and romance too.
You could just refuse to meet at the house for a while, or put forward that you want to actually date for a while before you hole up in the house for extended periods of time.
I don’t know if I’d specifically call this abusive but that doesn’t matter too much. It’s certainly clingy, over attached, having a negative impact on you and something you don’t like.
You’re well within your rights to ask for better, and your sister has your back.
He sounds like a chore to be honest. I’d suggest being firmer and establishing the boundaries and expectations you have.
You like to do actual activities. He just wants to have sex all the time. To me it sounds like an incompatibility issue.
He’s also manipulating you to get what he wants. I think you need to set some boundaries. No means no. He’s pushing your boundaries because you can’t say no.
>But now it has been making me less attracted and is pushing me away, to be honest.
Listen to your inner voice.
I mean, you’ve expressed concerns and boundaries and he consistently contrives reasons to press them. Worse, he won’t be straightforward about it, he will use weasel words, euphemisms, baby talk, every tactic in the word to force you to be the aggressor if you want to call it out for what it is. And I am going to guess that generally it works, that he tends to get what he wants through sheer attrition and you fold because it’s tiring or you are just scared of upsetting him and etc.
You have a history of assault. I am sorry to hear that. But you have to recognise that having your agency challenged, having your boundaries pushed, being trapped in bad situations is the real problem. And it seems to me that even if he isn’t conscious he does it [though I suspect he is] he uses a lot of very concerning emotional tactics to get you to do things, he is exploiting your trauma.
He’s certainly odd, but it doesn’t look like manipulation to me. When me and my wife first got together, all I wanted to do was spend every minute of every day with her, and yes this inevitably involved a *lot* of sex. Thing is, she wanted the same, and we both mellowed out at about the same rate (my sex drive is still way higher, but we deal with that). Seems to me like you need to have a serious discussion about what you both want out of a relationship. It’s also possible he’s got some issues he needs to work on regarding communication and (potentially) jealousy. God knows I did.