i give up. no matter how hard i try, i will never be able to socialize like everyone else. i feel different from everyone else. it feels like i don’t even have a chance at trying.
i was never taught how to socialize, i was never taught how to respond when other people try to talk to me, how to start conversations, how to keep conversations, how to fit in with the others. it almost feels like there’s something everyone but me knows. like there’s this unspoken rule on how to socialize that i’ve never figured it, and probably never will. i have been approached, have been tried to be included – and it’s people i want to be with, people i want to talk with – but i literally don’t know how im expected to respond, or maintain a conversation. everyone else knows how, just not me, and im to scared to say anything out of pocket that might be seen as weird and dig my grave even further. and it hurts, because it isn’t even their fault. it isn’t their fault im socially awkward, it isn’t their fault i am not a boring person to talk to, it isn’t their fault that we just passed an awkward moment because of me and my lack of social skills. yet at the end of the day, i end up alone, with none left to approach me, with no one else trying to talk to me. they did everything right. they’re not the assholes, i am. they gave their shot, they approached me, they tried to be friends with me, and i completely failed to respond like how a normal, social person is expected. how am i supposed to play this game if i don’t know the rules? at this point i’ve just accepted im not like other people, and there’s nothing i can do about it. i just wished i could even fake it, let alone be it. i wished i could know the rules so i can be with the people i want to be, talk with the people i want to talk to. it hurts to just exist, watch as everyone talks to eachother in ways i could never understand, watch as everyone spends a good time with other friends in ways i could never do, and watch myself being ignored by people literally next to me, because they know it’s useless trying to talk to me.