Hey guys i’m looking for some advice because I can not talk to friends or family about this. So me and my husband got into a small argument over our work/school schedules because it was colliding and we have children. He made it seem like it was my fault that we were having issues with our schedules and I was the one brainstorming and making suggestions on how we can fix the situation. Anyway we were sitting down on the couch the kids were sleep. We were cuddling after the argument and I thought everything was okay. He started saying degrading stuff like how he gets “bad females” but doesn’t decided to cheat. And how I take care of him and he doesn’t have to do anything. I was so shocked I didn’t have time to process what he said. Mind you at this very moment I was laying on his chest thinking everything is okay. He then brushes me off him and pulls down his pants, grabs my head and forces me to go down on him. I was telling him I didn’t want to and he didn’t care. I did it and I felt so humiliated and violated. I was in shock. I still am. Im thinking maybe I’m overthinking it and its not that serious. He briefly mentioned 3 days after it happened that he was just trying to put me in my place. I feel like shit. My self esteem is like down the drain. This is not the first time he has done this. He’s forced me to have sex with him after an argument like 4 years ago and we talked it out. But for some reason this really made me feel worse than the first time. I feel like this is what he wanted. Now he talks to me like he’s in full control since this happened and I’ve been on edge. We just got married four months ago. Sorry for the long post. What should I do? I don’t understand why he would want me to feel so low and messed up like this.
34 comments
You are absolutely not overthinking this. He sexually ASSAULTED you and you are in an abusive relationship. Nobody can tell you what to do, but I would suggest you contact a divorce attorney immediately at minimum. This is only going to get worse. I wish you the best… He’s a POS and you deserve more.
Your husband raped you. I am sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth. Your husband being your husband does not give him ownership over your body, and no still means no.
It may be difficult to press charges in this situation, as courts are still not terribly friendly to marital rape claims, but you should absolutely use it as grounds for divorce.
This will not be the last time he does something like this.
Put you in your place? What?
Excuse me but neither of you are property.
It’s time to get away from him. This isn’t going to improve.
You’re not overthinking it. Your husband sexually assaulted you.
Press charges and get divorced
This is full on RAPE, get out! This will not change and that ‘man’ does not deserve you or any other woman for that matter. It does not matter if you are married or not, rape is rape.
I would look into removing yourself from that situation if you can. If you have cameras in the house, see if you can pull the footage of him forcing himself on you like that (I say this bc our house has cameras for everywhere but the bedroom). Please for your own safety….GET OUT.
What the hell?? You’re not too deep in, this won’t get better. Please please take this matter to a therapist.
Seriously your husband is a rapist
Omg honey I am so sorry but you were sexually assaulted and you are not overthinking anything!! That is a marriage you need to get out of. Next time he tries to “put you in your place” bite him and tell him you’re putting him in his. That is just appalling and gross behavior. A real man would never do that to their woman.
As a husband myself, that’s fucked up and not ok. You need to get away from him!
This is abuse. He is an abuser. Leave him immediately. He will do it again. You do not deserve to be sexually assaulted and used. No means no. You told him no. It’s a big deal. Leave him asap.
You should have bite his junk. Don’t think you would have a problem with him pulling that shit again . Then you would be the one in control.
On a more serious note, he don’t respect or love you at all you don’t don’t that to someone you love.
I understand how this could be difficult to accept since this is the man you are married to and have children with, but you have been raped by him. It doesn’t matter if you two are married, no one is entitled to sex from you, period. Your husband is a rapist. Please, consider removing him from you and your children’s lives as soon as possible by any means necessary.
What the fk? … so instead of having sex as something for intimacy, he uses it as a form of punishment and control? That’s rapist behavior
I’m sickened and horrified. You are not his property to “put in your place.”
There is something fundamentally wrong with him.
Make a plan and leave. Be quiet about it in your words and actions. I’m afraid he will try to rape you again if he finds out you are leaving
That’s sexual assault no means no for married people too.
He is NOT a safe person! Where can you go with the kids ASAP? Please use this site to document your testimony: https://documenttheabuse.com/
Any person who would do that to their spouse has a serious disconnect between right and wrong, and I’m afraid he has a terrible superiority complex that will ignite if you confront him.
Please leave and get a PFA against him, ASAP.
He raped you.
You have been married for 4 months, and he thinks raping you is fine.
He did this 4 years ago and you still married him 4 months ago.
He will not stop.
Rape is never about sex but it’s always about control and humiliation.
Do you think that someone who loves you wants to control and humiliate you? That they take pleasure in hurting you? Your husband does. That is why he does it and will continue doing it until YOU choose to get away from him.
He is abusing you, and I would be surprised if this is the only way.
Edited: loves not lives
Honey, this is NOT normal. You are right to feel how you do. He violated you, degrades, and humiliated you to make himself feel better, to feel ‘in control’. He forced you to do something you did not want to do, that’s coercion, that’s rape. He doesn’t respect you and wants to dominate you, what the fuck! Marriage is about equal partnership where you feel safe, heard, and valued. This is not a safe environment for you or your children. I think you should start looking into divorcing him, do online research, consult a lawyer, get your own counseling if you can, do it quietly, get your affairs in order and leave him.
I am so sorry you went through this, you do not deserve this. Leaving him will be a process but please know that you can do it! You and your kids deserve better.
Run girl.
He raped you. File for divorce and get yourself in therapy. He wants you to feel that way because he is a rapist. You don’t deserve this.
You need to get you and the kids out and then press charges and divorce him
This is more than rape. His ongoing behaviour after the act also speaks volumes about this guy. If he doesn’t respect you, or value you, how can he possibly claim to love you? If he is incapable of showing you genuine love, what good can come from staying in this marriage? Run. Run fast.
He raped you 4 years ago and you married him 4 months ago? Girl you need to get away from this guy, you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
You should always bite really, really hard when put in that situation. You can explain self-defence to the police at the hospital later.
You need to GTFO. He is going to escalate.
You’ve been raped. Get out now.
Just so you have a clear understanding, your husband has raped you. Not in a “playing mind games, it’s not that serious” type, your husband has actually physically raped you.
You need to immediately remove yourself and your children from this man, you need to contact the police and speak to your closest family member for support. The only one who benefited from this being hidden is him.
If you do nothing, he will continue to do this and your children will notice one way or another and unfortunately may associate this as normal behavior in a relationship.
You didn’t do anything wrong, your husband has just finally shed the light on himself as being a real life rapist. Leave now.
This is rape. He’s abusive.
He used sexual violence to intimidate and hurt you. That is despicable. How can you feel safe with him again. How would you advise your children when they are adults about how to deal with that situation. You’d tell them to be safe and to get away from the abuser. Some things you just can’t come back from, and sexual abuse/rape is one of those things
What you’re describing here are various forms of sexual assault, plain and simple.
His behavior and what you’ve said he has said clearly indicates that he is someone who wants and needs control, and *it doesn’t matter to him how shitty you feel from his method of getting it.*
When I’m wondering is why you think maybe you’re overthinking it and that it’s not that serious. I’m curious what it is about you that you don’t recognize these massive red flags for what they are.
*He is emotionally and physically dangerous.*
We teach people how we’re willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and I’m sorry, but *if you stay with him you will be teaching him that you accept him treating you this way.*
I can imagine you feeling shocked, confused, perhaps embarrassed or even ashamed about the idea of getting divorced so quickly after getting married, etc., but *you need to get the hell away from him before he rapes you again.* Even though it seems counterintuitive, every time you stay after he sexually assaults you can make it harder to leave, because people’s self esteem typically decreases with each incident.
I can’t recommend strongly enough that you get divorced and get yourself into therapy as soon as possible, because it’s deeply concerning that your radar is so poor for how outrageously toxic his behavior is.
You were raped. I’m so sorry honey. But you can’t keep him.
You told that you don’t want to and he did it nevertheless? He didn’t “put you in your place”, whatever that sentence from 1940 means. He raped you. That’s why you feel so bad. You live with a rapist. Get a divorce and a good psychologist.
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I’m so so sorry this happened to you!!
It’s absolutely normal to feel confused, or to think that you are overthinking. Experiences like that are hard to process and it takes time!
You are being very brave by sharing this with us in this safe space.
I’m so sorry, but it’s absolutely unacceptable. It is rape dear, and I’m so sorry.
If I can recommend anything is that you seek some help, legal help, psychological help (so you don’t become a victim stuck in an abusive marriage) and help from close people you can trust.
Please put your safety first, you mentioned you have children and it can make the situation harder,but still you need to think of your safety first. This way you are also protecting them.
Sending you a big hug!! Be strong!!! 💪 be safe! ♥️
Edit: he will not change, things might calm down for a while, but the next episode will only be worst. It’s a pattern of abuse. Please be careful.
I really contemplated making this post. I haven’t told family or friends. But I’m glad I made this post. You guys have been nothing but supportive and helpful. I wanted some insight from others to sort this out. Lately I have been stuck in my head. But I will get personal therapy and then start creating an exit plan since I have kids. Thanks guys once again!