I was raised by a mother who did the bare minimum while expecting an award for parent of the millennium and a sister that is truly awful in every way imaginable, my father has had low confidence in himself and was kind enough to pass that onto me and my brother.
The first girl to ever show me a shred of attention had me in the palm of her hand, I let her walk all over me thinking I was doing the right thing because that’s what I saw my father do with my mom. She didn’t care for my consent, and I was too weak to push her away, so I let it happen over and over again. She never cared or realized what she was doing as she was thoroughly damaged from her own trauma. I never forgave myself for that and it haunts me every day.
That was 10 years ago, I’m 29 now and I’ve never been in another relationship. I want to be able to have someone to share my life with, to be in love with, but it feels so out of reach. I have a deep-seated distrust of women in general and have become incredibly jaded as a result. Dating doesn’t seem in the cards for me anytime soon, even something like casual sex seems like something so very out of reach for me.
I know these things aren’t normal, it’s not sustainable or healthy to live like this, it’s like my mind always assumes the worst of women I encounter or meet, or if I like someone I try and justify a reason they’ll reject me so I end up refusing to act on these feelings. I feel like a burden, inadequate, ashamed of having desires both romantic and sexual, ashamed of what I’ve become, . Younger me would be so disappointed to see this pathetic version of his future.
Obviously, therapy is a must. But unfortunately, I’m poor and it’s not possible for me to get help that way. I’d love nothing more to say that I can reach out to a friend about this, but I’ve never met anyone that allowed me to suffer without trying to stop me a quarter of the way through with some pre-hashed platitudes to ease their conscience. I’m supposed to be an adult getting his life together and heading in whatever direction I want to go into, and instead I’m here facing the same demons I did when I was a teenager, wondering if there’s any hope I can feel happy.
What do/did you do when you realize how fucked you are/were? How do you find the strength to keep going when you lose hope?