Hi everyone,
I am a 26 year old dude and I have struggled with being let down by friends for years now. I am known to be a really good friend; I have been called the “most ride or die friend” there is by several friends. I have had several people reach out to let me know that I was such a positive influence in their life, that I lifted them up when they were in a really dark place. I am one of those guys that stakes a lot of my worth on how I treat others and it has led to a good reputation regarding me and relationships. One friend even told me that making others feel included is my “superpower,” that brought a big smile to my face.
All that being said, I find myself often disappointed by my friends. They never reciprocate the same level of kindness and loyalty I give them. I am always making sure everyone feels included, I reach out to friends we haven’t heard from in a while, I never care “who’s coming” to a party, and I’m always down to meet new people. Hell, I even reconnected my friends with an old mutual friend who was clearly on the brink of suicide (a person which my other friends didn’t lift a finger to help).
My current friends have been my best friends for over a decade. We went to separate colleges, they went to a lavish college in Chicago, which is a major city known for its fake “Midwest Kindness.” Since I moved here 3 years ago, it’s been a constant debacle of who is allowed to be invited to what, people talking behind other people’s backs, issues with girlfriends not liking one another, lying about heated events, and political toxicity on the behalf of performative activists. I have had numerous conversations with my friends, which were done in constructive ways, of how their actions can be hurtful and make me feel unwanted. But they NEVER take responsibility; there’s ALWAYS a reason it was ok to be cliquey or exclusive. I’m “overreacting” or “they just didn’t think of me” or “it wasn’t my type of crowd” or “the plans were made last minute.”
Just last weekend, I asked my two roommates if they had any plans Friday night. They said they didn’t, so I made other plans. As I was leaving, two of our closest friends came over; they had made plans and didn’t inform me. When I asked why they didn’t let me know (which I asked in a nice, constructive way), they said they just forgot. This ALWAYS happens. My group is really cliquey, but it’s ok because they either (1) forgot to invite me and/or (2) didn’t mean anything by it. There’s always an XYZ reason that it was ok for them to scum their friend. This event that happened Friday night is a perfect nutshell summary of what happens every two weeks or so whenever it comes down to making plans. The funniest part? Their plans always suck! They never do anything like going out or meeting new people. They just drink in an apartment with the same six people over and over then go home to their girlfriends. We are all in our early to mid twenties, but you’d think this group was in their mid forties with how little they go out or socialize or enjoy new experiences.
Obviously, this is a quick summary of my friends being shitty, so pull out what ya can from this post. In your opinion, am I expecting too much from my friends? Am I the asshole? Do I need to find new friends? Do I need to devote myself less to others, that way it doesn’t hurt so bad when I get let down? Do I need to become a more “selfish” person?
I’d love some kind, constructive advice. Thanks in advance, y’all.