My husband [40M] and I [35F] have been married for 5 years and together 10. We have an almost three year old and have reached an impasse in our marriage. We’re living in the southeast and he wants to move far away to the northwest wilderness. I worry so much as we have no family/support there, cost of living is much higher, and worry about isolation, being further away from family (which are also in SE but about 5 hours away driving) and things like seasonal mood disorder seem probable. He thinks the move will make him happy, being closer to the wilderness that is. Don’t get me wrong. He’s wanted to move for some time and this is not out of the blue; but this year and a half has come with more uncomfortable persistence and pressure from him on me to move. I initially agreed reluctantly due to the immense pressure but have serious reservations and can’t commit to the move. He can no longer wait and is NOT open to moving anywhere else but this one northwestern state. Yesterday he told me to pack my things and move out asap so he can sell and move there… I get he was mad/out of patience but this hasn’t been the first time he’s tried to pressure me so I give in and agree. Now that we have a child I don’t think moving further away from family is a good idea, especially somewhere we have no support system. I feel it important for our child to experience their grandparents and have expressed desire to move closer not further away from them. I worry about the cost of travel and how long we’ll be able to maintain travel if we move. I worry about isolation as he repeatedly expresses discontent with society and modern day way of life. I don’t necessarily disagree with all that nature is an important part of my life —- But, it may be a deeper concern of not feeling heard. At what point do you follow your spouse and just trust things will work out? On the one hand I feel he’s only thinking about his goals/desired but he feels he’s not (thinks wilderness will be better to raise family) and feels I’m being selfish by not moving. Am I? I am deeply saddened and break down in tears thinking about our child who may not be able to experience the lovely relationship I did with my father growing up if we can’t agree on next steps.
My options are to either follow him or live separately at this point: this daily conversation and request that I move seems torturous to me, I do feel guilty it’s his dream…
**TL;DR**:My husband wants to move to northwest wilderness miles away from southeast where family is located, etc. I have serious reservations and we have a child. My options are to follow or live separately.
Under what circumstances would you move miles away in unforgiving weather elements for your spouse, who says it’s his dream, when your heart and intuition might suggest it’s not a good idea to do such a move?
14 comments
“Spouse says it’s his dream”
Ok, we can discuss it fully, including all negatives and the potential of moving back in a year.
“And you’re obstructing that”
-record screech- HARD STOP, nope, that’s utter bullshit.
He has ceased acting like an equal partner with you. Major decisions like moving *cannot* be a one-person decision. He agreed to that by marrying you.
I would be extremely blunt with him that he is not acting like a partner, and you will not consider such a large change at LEAST until he goes to couples therapy with you to reaffirm how wrongly he’s acting.
Under *your* circumstances, I would not move. I would not move with someone who pressures me, tells me to pack my things and get out so he can sell my home, and does not listen to my very valid reasoning. His reasonings may be valid, but they are also selfish. Life isn’t about just about him and his need to be in the wilderness anymore. He’s 40 and acting like a 19-year-old about this.
I have no experience with this, but your situation sounds bad. A move to an expensive place you do not want to move to (I wouldn’t either) with no support and a new baby sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would stay, seek marital counseling if open to it, and be ready for separation/divorce, honestly. You’re going to need a lot of social support at this time, please don’t uproot yourself for your partner. I know you originally agreed to it, but it sounds like it was under duress and your husband sounds selfish. Maybe I’m wrong though and he’s a good person otherwise. If so, then it’s totally possible to have a great relationship with a parent who is not there daily by the way. It may not look like what you pictured, but that doesn’t mean it will be bad.
Stay. Do not move.
What it comes down to is: needs. Your own needs, and the needs of your child.
Can you have what *you* need in order to have a satisfying, fulfilling life, if you go with him to this new place? Will your *child* have everything s/he needs if you go to this new place?
If the answer to either of those questions is “no”, then going is not on the table. Because your child’s needs come *first*, and then once those are accounted for, your own needs are paramount.
That’s not to say that your husband cannot/shouldn’t have his own needs met, too; *everyone* has to have their needs met. But if “going” is what he has to do in *order* to have his needs met…then he’s going to go, and there’s no way around that. So *given* that he’s going, the question becomes about your needs.
If his need to go and *your* need *not* to go (if in fact that’s what it is), and the child’s needs are in conflict, such that there is no way for you *and* him *and* the child to each get what you need…
…then the two of you have a fundamental incompatibility, and there is no healthy, workable path forward for the relationship.
>He thinks the move will make him happy, being closer to the wilderness that is.
Has he spent more than a week or two in the area he wants to move? Does he have any idea of potential jobs he/you would work? Does he know that there is “wilderness” in the southeast as well?
“Moving to be closer to wilderness” is not a plan. If that’s as far as his planning has gone, it’s easy to see why you would be uneasy about moving for something so vague.
Personally I’d move anywhere if that’s what would really make my spouse happy, but it’s gotta be a little more solid than hopes and wishes and ideas. For all you know (based on the info you posted anyway), he could move there and find some other reason to be miserable and he’ll decide moving to yet another far off location will be what makes him happy.
He wants to live in the wilderness? That’s his main goal? This feels like a mid-life crisis to me, and I would not be moving my toddler away from family to indulge it.
> he repeatedly expresses discontent with society and modern day way of life
Part of the “old way” of life involved creating local community and leaning on family, and I don’t see how seeking isolation and moving away from family accomplishes that. There is plenty of nature to be had in the southeast, he can do tons of outdoor activities for more of the year. There is no valid reason for him to have so little flexibility about this.
I would be trusting your gut on this one and not following him. He is being kind of a shit partner and a shit father, but I don’t believe that following him will be good for you or your son.
It doesn’t sound like the communication on this has been very good. You sent mixed signals when you “reluctantly agreed” the first time. You have an equal vote here! However, for him to issue the ultimatum he did is inexcusable.
I mention this stuff because there’s so much room for compromise. If he hates large cities and wants a more rural life, fine. It’s a trend right now. But the PNW is hardly the only option. For example, I used to drive from VA to FL to see my parents a couple times a year. VA, the Carolinas, northern GA, eastern TN — these places are full of beautiful small towns in rural areas. What specifically does the PNW have that they don’t?
I don’t know if it’s too late now or not, but if you tell him you’re open to his plan as long as the geography works…. I mean, I guess that’s what I would have done.
If you move, when you inevitably divorce, you’ll be tied to that state until kid is 18. Stay where you are, let him leave.
If you think you can find happiness there.
I moved for my husband and not having a family while having children is really hard.
“Bye. Be sure to give my lawyer your new address.”
I think you and the kid are part of what he’s running from. I don’t think he expects or wants you to come with him.
Look at his words:
>he told me to pack my things and move out asap so he can sell and move there
He only needs you out so he can sell up and *he* can move. He hasn’t invited you.
Dude’s having a mid-life crisis. A wife and young child aren’t ever a part of anyone’s mid life crisis.
TLDR Lawyer up, divorce is inevitable.
>He’s wanted to move for some time and this is not out of the blue; but this year and a half has come with more uncomfortable persistence and pressure from him on me to move. I initially agreed reluctantly due to the immense pressure but have serious reservations and can’t commit to the move.
What is “some time”? Like has this been something he’s talked about since you two got together and you initially agreed then but now it’s been 8-10 years and you haven’t moved yet? If this is something that he really wants, he might have heard your yes as an enthusiastic yes because that’s what he wanted to hear. I suggest you have a serious, sit-down conversation with him about this because, clearly, this move means a lot to him.
The next question I guess I have is: Do you want to stay local more than you want to stay with him? Or do you want to stay with him more than you want to stay local? A compromise “trial year” that someone else suggested could be a good idea. Rent a house in the new state, rent out your house while you’re gone. Ultimately the both of you have to decide which is more important to you: location or being together.
Neither of you are an AH for having different priorities, it just means you’re not compatible and it sucks that it’s taken this long to find out. Sounds like a tough decision, OP. Best of luck!
He is chasing a fantasy. Like this one place on earth is the only one that will give him happiness. It won’t, but that doesn’t even matter because he cannot unilaterally make decisions about your family and your life. He chose to marry you, and he chose to have a child.
There is so much wilderness in the south east. The Ozarks, the Blue Ridge Mountains, Appalachia, and about 1 million other locations. Tell him that you do not want to move so now you two are at an impasse and need marriage counseling to work through it. Sit him down and tell him something like this “ I have a lot of hesitations about moving to the northwest and I feel like I can say about our family and about my life. I do not think it would be wise to move that far away from our support network. I think that at this point, you and I each need an individual therapist as well as a marriage therapist to work through this. I don’t feel like I am being given a voice in this marriage. I don’t even know how to communicate with someone that told me to pack my things and get out.”
Your child needs a strong role model. If you blindly go along with this man then you will grow to resent him and this will be a horrible household for your child to grow up in.
Ask him to take two weeks pto and go camping alone, near where he wants to live. Ask him to experience trying to drive to get supplies, the loneliness, the high prices. During this time he can work on a budget. How is his paycheck going to cover everything? Have him make a decent argument on why you should move. So far the “pack your stuff, we are moving” isn’t working.
On another note, how is his mental health? How is work to life balance?
> I worry about isolation as he repeatedly expresses discontent with society and modern day way of life.
Yeah, this would also cause me concern. So when he says “closer to wilderness” is he talking “move to Portland to be closer to hiking trails” or he is talking “cabin in Montana”? As someone else has asked, what’s his plan for work?
Obviously I don’t know you or your husband, but pushing really hard to move to the “wilderness” and having problems with “modern day way of life” makes me worry he’s looking to go full homesteading, homeschooling, off-the-grid or chasing some idealized way of life.
If he is hell-bent on moving to the “wilderness,” you can let him. It’s much better for your child to grow up far from their father than to grow up in a situation where their mother is miserable or their parents are fighting or y’all are isolated from “modern day society.”