Your date says, “I’ve always wanted to live abroad.”
Here’s how you might respond. Choose your own adventure.
* **Casual Banter:** Anywhere in particular?
* **Thoughtful Conversation**: What makes you want to live abroad?
* **Deep Connection**: Do you not enjoy living here?
**Casual Banter:**
***Anywhere in particular?***
This will lead the conversation into talking about places. The kinds of places they like will tell you things about them. It’ll give you little clues into their personality. For example, if they say:
1. **France:**
* They might appreciate fine art, cultured discussion, or culinary experiences.
2. **Japan:**
* They might have an interest in zen, tradition, or anime/manga.
3. **Italy:**
* They may enjoy history, being close with family, or a slower pace of life.
4. **Australia:**
* They might be drawn to adventure, wildlife, or a laid-back lifestyle.
5. **Spain:**
* They could have an affinity for vibrant nightlife, warm weather, or siestas.
6. **Germany:**
* They may value efficiency, precision, or all-night dance parties.
7. **Brazil:**
* They might be attracted to diverse cultures, music, or a lively atmosphere.
8. **Canada:**
* They may appreciate nature, outdoor activities, or an inclusive, multicultural society.
9. **South Korea:**
* They might have an interest in K-pop, technology, or modern city life.
10. **New Zealand:**
* They could be an outdoor enthusiast, valuing nature, adventure sports, or sustainable living.
If you know a lot about different places, or if you’re CURIOUS about different places, this might be a good place to take the conversation. You could take little guesses at their personality. They will like that, for example:
“Ah, so you’re artsy.”
“Ah, so you’re a beach bum.”
“Ah, so you’re into zee german eeefishencee.”
What you say doesn’t have to be accurate. It doesn’t even have to make sense. It just has to be an attempt to make a connection to what they’re saying. It shows that you’re listening to what they’re saying and attempting to understand them. They will like that, and they will correct you if need be, which is great. But taking a guess at who they are and what they like now and then—ie. making observations—is more fun than mowing them down with a ceaseless chain of question-fire.
And if you don’t know anything about the places they mention, you can say that too.
“Wow, I don’t know anything about Botswana. I’m so curious now. What is it that makes you want to live there?”
Now, this is very different to just saying, “Why Botswana?” The above formulation communicates so much more. It shows that you’re intrigued. It shows that you’re interested in hearing more. It shows that you want them to give you specific reasons. Whereas if you say “Why Botswana?” they don’t know any of that. They might think that you’re bored or uninterested. They might think you’re judging them since you’re not giving them much—you never know—and so they might hold back, which will suck the life out of the conversation.
Use your words to show interest! It’ll breathe life INTO the conversation. It’ll put wind into their sails and they will give you more to work with.
**Thoughtful Conversation:**
***What makes you want to live abroad?***
Note that this formulation is different from “Why do you want to live abroad?” That could be perceived to mean “Why ON EARTH would you want to live abroad?” And if that is what you’re trying to say then say that, by the way. Just be as clear and unambiguous in your formulation as possible because the number one thing that leads to disconnection is miscommunication or misinterpretation. They won’t mind if you take that playfully hostile stance, but they will mind if they think you’re taking a hostile stance and attempting to hide it, whether you actually are or not.
The nice thing about the “What makes you want to…” formulation is that it’s clear and unambiguous that you *want* to know, from a place of curiousity. If you were anti what they were saying then you wouldn’t formulate your question like that.
So this question (*What makes you want to live abroad?*) could lead to a conversation about the intricacies and nuances of different cultures, which could be very interesting and could tell you a lot about them and what they want out of life, similar to the Casual Conversation above, but perhaps a little deeper, because it also opens the door for them to say things like the following if they so choose:
“It just feels like something is missing here, you know.”
“I’m just so curious about what’s out there! I want to see things I haven’t seen before.”
“Just a sense of adventure I’ve always had.”
And then you can shift the conversation from talking about places to talking about *them*, and about you. Whereas the Casual Conversation version above doesn’t open this door, and they might be waiting for your lead to open it.
**Deep Connection:**
***Do you not enjoy living here?***
This puts the focus of the conversation on them. In the Thoughtful Converastion version, you gave them the option to choose how personal they wanted to get but now you’re taking the lead and going there.
Of course, you don’t want to make them feel like they have to answer. If they ever appear to be struggling to answer a question, you can always tell them, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” or “Sorry, maybe that’s a bit personal.” This is called respecting their boundaries. They will like that, and they will be more likely to open up later as a result. It builds trust—especially if they didn’t even have to tell you that they were uncomfortable, you just saw it.
But don’t be afraid to ask personal questions. More often than not, they will respond, and you will learn something meaningful about them, and it’ll make you feel more connected. Like for instance, if you ask “Do you not enjoy living here?” they might say…
“Yeah I just feel like I’ve been wanting a change for a long time, you know. I’m not the same person I used to be and I think a change of environment would allow me to explore who I want to be a bit more easily.”
Response: “Wow, thanks for sharing. I totally understand. I’ve been growing and changing a lot myself and I sometimes wonder what life would be like somewhere else. So I’m super curious now who is this new person you’re becoming?”
If they share something personal and vulnerable like that, make sure they feel heard and understood. Validate their feelings and show them that you can relate in some way. They will LOVE that. Or if you can’t relate, you can always say, “Thanks for sharing. You know, I’ve never really thought about it like that. Can you tell me more about…
a) what kind of change you’ve been wanting?
b) how you’ve been growing and changing?
c) who you want to be?
This is called inviting them to share. And if they’re hesitant, you could always share first, taking the lead and giving them an example to follow.
——————-
So in summary, these 3 questions (casual, thoughtful, deep) don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You could start with the first question and then when that conversation runs out of steam, ask the second one, then when that runs out of steam, the third. You could spend an hour or more talking about just this one topic.
The ability to stay on one topic for a long time builds comfort and relaxation, rather than jumping from topic to topic, always looking for something new to talk about. That can feel awkward and like you’re trying too hard. So make it a goal to gradually work your way to the Deep Conversation Zone. Because by the time you’re there, there’s a certain degree of trust that has been established. The jitters are gone and you’re in flow, and so are they. You’re having a good time and you’re connecting.
If you liked this post, I’ll do an Episode 2 around a different thing your date might say that you want to know how to respond to. I’m open to suggestions.