I (32F) have been seeing this guy (32M) for just shy a couple months now. We met online and hit it off. First date was chill and I was very intrigued by him. Second date was fun and he was very open about his past and also let me know he wasn’t talking to any other girls nor did he want to. I told him I couldn’t say the same and that I had another guy I’d been seeing casually. He was so great with how he responded and told me “you do you, we are not in a committed relationship so you don’t owe me anything. I just wanted to communicate where I’m at.”
Instantly I was taken back as I’m used to dating insecure guys.
Date 3 or 4 he lets me know that he has cancer. I was a bit in shock and all I could respond with was, “woah, that’s intense.” And “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” I had no capacity for asking any questions and honestly I think I blacked out. All I could retain was that he has Thymus Carcinoma and was diagnosed a year ago has been in chemo since. He also has a muscle disease that the cancer has caused which he has to get plasma treatments for.
Tons of google searching ended me in a pit of despair as this particular type of cancer is incredibly rare and the survival rate does not seem high. Especially if it spreads to the lungs. His has spread to his throat and he said it metastasized. My grandpa died in 2020 of esophageal cancer and the moment it metastasized he passed quickly after. (So clearly there’s some trauma there for me)
A week goes by and I’ve now processed this information and realize that I’m scared I’ll fall in love with him and then he’ll be gone. I realized I had been protecting him from my feelings out of the desire to be sensitive and decided to communicate my fears with him.
He reassured me that he’s not going anywhere and the doctors are positive and say he’ll live a long healthy life. He tried to say that his cancer was in remission and I was confused because he’s still in treatment and then he corrected himself and said he’s not in remission. Then he said he’s at the end of his treatment and just needs to get a surgery on his throat and to remove the thymus gland and everything’s going to be ok.
A couple weeks in we decide to delete our dating apps and just focus our time on eachother. This has moved much quicker than I would normally do in the past but I really like this guy and feel this intense connection between us. Honestly sometimes I forget he has cancer. I haven’t wanted to treat him any different just because of what he’s going through.
We are now going on dating for 2 months, he told me the doctors said he doesn’t have to do chemo anymore and he would be getting surgery next month. I was elated and told him congratulations being free of chemo and stoked that things are moving in a positive direction.
That evening I saw him take one of his meds and asked if he was still having to take the chemo pill and he said yes. I apologize as I don’t know all the terminology but the doctors aren’t doing chemo treatments that he has to go to the hospital for but he’s still technically on chemo because of this pill. I talked to a nurse friend and she said they probably want to make sure he’s strong enough for the surgery so they’re probably cutting back.
This kinda threw me cause first he says he’s in remission. Then he said he’s done with chemo. Both were not true.
Now fast forward to last week. He’s still getting plasma treatments for the muscle disease and has a pick line they use to do treatments.
I’ve gone to a treatment with him, but last week I couldn’t cause of work. When we talked that night he told me there had been complications and he coded and they had to use the paddles on him. They wanted to admit him but he had a work trip he “had” to go on (I say it in quotes because I personally think if you just coded your main priority should be your health and letting the doctors figure out what’s going on not getting on a plane for a work trip) so he went AMA.
We talked and I told him that if we are to be together, I need him to make his health his number 1 priority and I need to be able to trust that he’s not going to be reckless with it. I’ve tried putting myself in his shoes and I can’t even begin to understand the emotional/physical/mental turmoil he probably deals with daily. I know he needs support, and I definitely haven’t gotten any vibes that he wants a caretaker. I think he’s just trying to live his life.
At the same time I keep questioning if he’s been fully transparent with me about his prognosis. There’s been those couple of odd things he’s told me that weren’t true about being in remission and then being done with chemo. Sometimes I wonder if this is the story he tells himself go stay positive and hopeful, does he not always understand what the doctors are tell him, or is he downplaying everything and leading me on to believe it’s not as bad as it actually is so I stick around?
I know this ultimately is something I’ll have to communicate with him and decide if it’s something I can handle. I’ve just never been in this situation before and am curious of others experiences in this scenario from either side. I don’t want to break up but honestly I’ve been so stressed out ever since he coded during that last treatment and this would all feel differently if we’d already been together and then he was diagnosed, but should I continue on starting things off this way?
TL;DR I’m (32F) dating a guy (32M) with cancer, found out before making it official it’s only been a couple months now and we have become exclusive, but I just wonder if I can handle the what ifs and the stress, but also feel like an asshole to say I can’t.