I have a handful of friends (who have openly referred to me as a friend or even close friend, so I don’t think I’m delusional and confusing acquaintances with friends) after previously having basically none. I was really happy at first, especially because it’s such a contrast with my previous lack of a social life, but over time I find myself really dissatisfied and unhappy with the majority of my friendships.
I feel like a lot of them don’t quite share the same friendship style or values with me. I value reciprocal effort, the making of new experiences, proactiveness, and (most importantly to me) inclusivity. I don’t ever want to make people feel left out or ostracized the way I was as a kid, so I go out of my way to make sure everyone feels like they belong. People have told me that they love my energy and the way I try to get everyone together.
The people I thought were my friends… don’t really do the same. With one friend group, we try to arrange movie nights or fun outings, but they stay on their phones half the time and feel disengaged from the company and the experience we’re having. And with another friend group… I found out that they’ve been hanging out without me, despite having had serious conversations with a couple of them about expectations in the friendship and wanting a little more initative on their side. It was especially painful because I’d previously confided in them about my trauma around friendships and being outcasted throughout my life, and they seemed understanding and supportive at the time. But then they go and back out of plans we’ve made in favor of doing other things together without considering me and I just. Feel so resigned. I should have known.
I know I should match energy, move on, and find better friends. But I’m exhausted. Making friends is so hard, and I kept having to go through the cycle of thinking I finally found my people, only to be let down in the end. Some days I just want to cut off everyone in my life and chill alone with my partner, because he’s at least always consistent and caring towards me. I just wish someone else in my life cared about doing right by me, because I’d never pull this shit towards them. I deserve better than this.