My partner and I met 11 years ago and have been together since. We married right after I finished my undergraduate degree, he was finishing his PhD then. Since then we have been through a lot. We lived on different continents, moved together across the world. At one point I lost my dad and lost all interest in my partner. We separated for a year. We got back together despite the fact that I was no longer interested in him.
I have reached the conclusion at some point that I was not attracted to him, but he was kind and forgiving of my flaws. Another important element is citizenship, I am from a third world country and he is from a country that is significantly more stable and rich than mine. This element has definitely kept me in the marriage longer than I wanted to be. In fact, when we separated (a year after our marriage) we agreed to reconcile for the sake of selcuring a way out for me from where I lived. This was obviously a mistake on my end. I should have never agreed to something so unfair to him.
Since then, all that has accumulated between us was resentment. I hated the country (his homeland) I loved his family and friends but we lived far from them. During the pandemic we moved to a new town. I struggled with substance abuse and went down a dark path. I worked through recovery and have been sober for some eight months. Yet he was mostly kind throughout it all.
Nonetheless I am still not attracted to him. I find talking to him impossible. He finds me emotional and is scarred by my addiction. I want to leave and separate but feel indebted for all he’s done for me (citizenship, staying with me through my addiction, my mental health going down after my father’s death). I want to rationally consider how best to evaluate this marriage and whether separation makes sense.
TLDR my partner and I of 10 years have accumulated a lot of resentments and I can’t stay with him, how can I tell if I am being rational about this?