Warning: this is really long and as I was typing it out, pretty ridiculous. May have answered my own question after typing this but still, I can’t trust my thought process. 😭 TLDR below.
So my marriage started to fall apart when I had my third child and got diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I was also navigating suicide ideation so it was a scary time. Prior to the diagnoses, I had already felt a big disconnection from my husband which I had brought up to him. He kinda of brushed it off stating our lives are busy, we have kids and that energy is not there right now. Also made a remark that I watch too many romance movies and have unrealistic expectations. Honestly I felt silly after that for bringing it up because we were busy and tired. Btw, I wasn’t asking for romance, I was just asking for connection and quality time that doesn’t involve watching his tv shows in bed which I do enjoy but not all the time. Anyways I didn’t fight back and understood he is probs exhausted, because you know, we have three kids.
When our baby turned 5 months, that’s when things really took a turn for the worst. I started to catch my husband in so many lies regarding a new female friend he worked with which he has mentioned before. The first time was when he stepped away while we were talking to our tax consultant to call a buddy of his. Later that day I found out it was actually this girl he called and I only found out because our oldest was playing with his work phone which was synced with his personal phone and my son ended up accidentally dialing her which led me to see he had already talked to her when he said it was his other friend. I brought it up right away and asked why he lied. He said he just wanted to ask about a photo shoot she did for a magazine that she was nervous about and he didn’t want to worry me or cause me any stress or make me feel insecure since I’m already depressed. I told him it has the opposite affect and cause me more stress if he lies and to please be normal and upfront especially since he was just being supportive to her. Brushed it off as it was innocent and I trust him.
Literally next day, he comes homes late from work because he said he was stopping by Walmart to get groceries to try this recipe that this female friend gave to him. I was like cool and it was pretty good. One thing I should note is that when he came home and I helped bring in the groceries, he put them all in the front seat rather than trunk. Odd but didn’t think much of it.
So now the next day, I had to get this cable box out of the car to return to Cox and I open the truck and see a pair of brand new sneakers that cost $200. The box was small so I thought they were shoes for me but the size was half off. Instantly I just felt a pit in my stomach so I checked the receipt and saw he purchased them the night before and went before grocery shopping. I asked him who are these shoes for and his face was in shock and he said they were for this damn girl. I asked why did you buy this expensive gift for her and why didn’t you mention you stopped by the mall? His excuse was it’s her birthday and he had to reach platinum access on his footlocker card so he thought it would be nice and it gave him the points he needed. I was hurt because it just started to seem that he was being very secretive and again he said he didn’t want to concern me because of my PPD. I should note, he loves to give gifts to people so that’s not uncommon but not expensive gifts like this for a newer friend.
He didn’t end up going to work that day because I was so distraught and sad, given he lied to me again even though we just discussed this. He was very apologetic and didn’t give her the shoes. She was having a dinner party that upcoming weekend and I had told him can we please go so I can meet her and I think that will help me feel better about all this? But he didn’t want to and said he wasn’t even planning on going because it was just her marketing team and that may be weird even though he was invited. He even seemed annoyed that I insisted we go saying it’s completely dumb for us to go and he doesn’t trust me, he thought I would be rude to her and that I’m not all there with my depression so he can’t trust me.
So I’m stressing now and feeling like I’m going crazy. Thinking is this normal? Is he really just trying to not hurt my feelings considering I’m also a mess with this depression and he’s lying to protect me?
Now I get to the point where I feel I have to go through his phone. I have never done this in the past because I have always trusted him so all this behavior was so not the norm, I know not ideal but I just had that feeling something is off here. So I go through his phone and I see no 1:1 messages from them at all, just some group messages with her and other coworkers. In fact till this day I can’t say I have seen any communication between them as he deletes messages. He didn’t have social media at this time so nothing to search there. Checked email and found he adopted a giraffe for her as a birthday gift which odd because he said the shoes were her birthday gift. Then I went to his locations and saw that he was at this apartment complex a couple times earlier in the month, one time being till 10ish pm. Googled that address and omg her name came up. I thought back to that exact day and it was the day I actually got diagnosed with PPD and with my permission, my doctor had reached out to him to let him know the severity of it. That day he had already told me he was going to watch the game with this one childhood friends and when he found out about my diagnosis, he was really kind and told me he would cancel. I’m feeling like I’m such a burden so told him I’ll be okay and to please go have fun with your friend. But as I just mentioned, it turns out on that day he was at her apartment.
I confronted him and he denied it straight up. I showed him the screenshots I took of his locations and still he was like well I was only there for 30 minutes cause she invited a bunch of people from work to watch her bungee jump video and right after I left to watch the game. The other times he claims he just dropped her off after work because her car was in the shop. Again, I was like why is your phone stating you were there till 10 pm that day you watched the game? He just kept saying idk.
At this point I was pissed and told him to please just stop with this girl and I’m now uncomfortable and would appreciate it if he can distance himself. He agreed and of course reverted back to my PPD as to why he was lying.
One month later, he totals my car. When he called me I was trying to get a location from him so I can just go grab him. He kept saying different streets and again started to feel that pit in my gut. He didn’t want me to grab him and said he can just get it towed to his job location and I can just grab him from there. So of course had to file the insurance claim and they had to verify the details to provide the tow truck reimbursement but they came back to me to ask me about the discrepancies of my intake because the addresses did not match. I asked what address did the tow company give you and it was literally right across the street from this girls house! I went to my husband and told him hey, seems addresses are off and insurance needs to verify with tow company. I was testing to see if he would come clean since I already knew the actual location, he of course still insisted it was where he said earlier which is like 30 miles away from her home. He immediately stated he will give them a call and this man, I don’t know what he said to these tow people to convince them to write his location but he sent me a new form to give to insurance with the cross streets he had originally said. I was like omg this is how far your lies will go, you convinced tow people to put a false location?! He was shocked I had already known from insurance but his excuse this time is she was working on a project and she was going to pay him so he just wanted the money and he went to her place along with other people to discuss. That he was just trying to get money for us and he couldn’t tell me cause I would get so jealous and go crazy.
I still stayed because I was a stay at home mom and felt powerless. Months pass and he still being secretive even though I’m begging him to please stop talking to her. He was still buying her gifts behind my back which included a Things Remembered personalized frame, also designed and printing out business cards for her. At one point I recall he yelled at me for buying the kids $60 dollars worth of toys yet same day he sent her $100 flowers to congratulate her on this event she had. At this point I actually did reach out to her and sent her an email. I didn’t come at her crazy, I legit was like I’m so fucking embarrassed and mortified to have to do this but my husband keeps lying about you and I have no idea why and I can’t get a straight answer from him so I’m desperate here. That didn’t help much, she was very nice but kinda stated oh he’s a good friend and he sent me flowers as a congrats for my event, she didn’t recall him being at her house till 10 pm or even at all, even stating I agree that will be very inappropriate, I don’t know what you’re talking about with him being at my place and that she is kinda upset her name is part of this. Didn’t get much out of it and just thanked her for her response and apologized for bothering her. she said I won’t tell him you reached out. (I learned later from my husband she actually did tell him lol)
I’m bringing all of this up to him as I encounter it and now he is fed up with me and saying I’m just an extremely jealous and insecure woman and it’s my PPD that’s making me think crazy, hence why he can’t be honest with me. That he has to walk on eggshells when he is always home and doesn’t go to the bar, or stays out late, or beats me. I’m like yeah cause you lie about the time you leave work so you don’t need to be out late at night.
I eventually got my shit together, no longer depressed and on meds, got a job, and started making money again. Our marriage is so bad at this point and any little issue, even like house duties just sets us off. One morning he took off his wedding ring and said he was done. A week later after announcing it, he went on a work trip. I was devastated and I got on this penpal app because I felt so lonely. I happened to meet this guy through there who was also going through a separation. Anyways we chatted it up for two weeks just discussing our marital problems and I will say things got flirty one time and we did get inappropriate talking about sex fantasies. I know I’m ashamed but I had been feeling so ugly and unwanted that it was nice to get attention. I will admit It was also nice to connect with someone and talk about things I enjoy. Well when my husband came back from his trip, he shoots me a text while I’m at work saying we need to talk and asking me who this guy was. I was so confused because I’m like how do you even know about that. He just said I’m in IT, I know how to get into things. Turns out he had access to my email, my social media account was literally on his phone as well. I was weirded out because I’m like why are you keeping track of me like this?! He said cause of my PPD and he has to ensure I don’t try to kill myself. He went off on me and even reached out to that guys wife and told me I’m a home wrecker and this guy was lying to me the whole time and I just ruined a family because his wife is so hurt. I felt horrible and so ashamed. But I was like why do you care though, you said it was over, you took off your ring. He just said stop being stupid, this isn’t a game, it’s not even official. I went months feeling horrific and promised I won’t talk to him anymore and that I was just lonely, hence why I was talking to him so much. He forgave me.
Few months later, I got a very rare opportunity to go through his phone because he left it unlocked. I went to his Instagram which he had recently got and started reading the messages he sent to this guys wife. It turns out that my husband lied about all of it. He told this guys wife that her kept asking for boob pictures which is not true. He had told me I ruined their marriage but I saw the messages from her saying hmm well we are actually in the process of divorcing so she was more curious to know if it has been going on for a long time. She literally was so unbothered.
Self esteem is at an all time low, I am feeling like I’m this deeply insecure woman, which fair I am at the point because wtf. but we’re still together. There was a timeframe where things fizzled a bit but Covid hit and once again, here came the lies. One saying he had to go pick up a monitor from work but ended up buying her a bday gift and dropping it off, more presents including books, a lacie hard drive which costs like 100 bucks. Every time I would confront it would just turn into a screaming match with him blaming me and asking why I’m such an insecure woman and that I’m only upset cause she is an attractive woman and a former nfl cheerleader. I believed it. I started therapy. Eventually I did leave to stay at my moms and during that time frame he became so kind, always checking in on me, trying to engage in conversation, surprising me with things like family trips with kids because he knows I love family time, buying new furniture for our house. I fell for it because it felt nice to feel seen and he promised me he will block this girl.
We had about another “decent” year but at this point I’m high off of edibles as I found them to be very helpful with reducing stress and helping me relearn what brings me joy. They have allowed me to gain independence again but deep down I still carried sadness.
Okay, I promise I’m almost getting to the end here with providing you the full story.
Remember in the beginning I stated this started when our baby was 5 months. Well he is 6 now lol. More shady shit has happened over the years. He followed her on instagram at one point claiming it’s been a year, he thought I would be over it by now when I asked why is she still around? Refuses to unfollow and stating he will just delete his account. Eventually he did end up doing it and blocking her for a bit when I said I’m out of here but only to find out they DM still just not follow one another. I know she has a bf now because one time I found a husky puppy account he purchased with 2k followers and he purchased this account so he can follow her boyfriends private account. She still reaches out and talks to my husband on a regular, opened up to him about a miscarriage and how her bf wanted her to abort it when they found out, they went to an event together one time, he lies about where he is going btw with all of this. He even went to go watch her perform at an nfl cheerleading alumni game. I saw him on YouTube front and center recording her and when I confronted him he straight up denied it like usual asking me for dates so he can remember when it happened.
As of now, I have filed for divorce. When I told him he wanted to talk it out and I truly didn’t. I’m checked out. He just keeps insisting this woman is nothing and that if he wanted to he would just be with her but he’s with me cause he loves me. That he was the only one there for me helping me when I was depressed and suicidal. He said he will block again. I said I don’t want that, and that if he wants this to work, then he has to shut it down with her and tell her to stop contacting him and that the friendship is over so he can focus on rebuilding trust with me. He of course got pissed at that request and asked why if he can just block but I said it’s no longer good enough being that he has promised that before. He then went off telling me I’m a psycho and I treat him like property and it’s whatever we can go thru with the divorce but that he will reach out to her and let her know about all of this because he now thinks it’s fate and a sign from the universe for them to be together since I keep bringing her up. I said I don’t care at least make it worth it I guess which he got pissed off at and proceeded to call me a slut and that I’m the cheater projecting it on to him since I was taking to that pen pal guy, that I have a shitty job and a shitty car and my looks are fading. Calling me an idiot over and over again since he knows I hate that word and that he is going to move on right away so to be prepared because he doesn’t play these stupid games. He even called my entire family stating he thinks my depression is back and he is very concerned as I am acting crazy.
As mentioned I have filed and we spent time apart but recently he had to come back due to some family living issues and he is acting as if nothing happened. Being extremely kind, helping with the cleaning, literally as if nothing has happened. I have been playing along more so to avoid a fight but I sent him divorce papers to review which he has not mentioned at all, just being normal. Mind you he has me blocked on social media but my friend let me know he now follows her so still just not respecting my feelings or my ask, just wanting to sweep things under the rug so he can continue doing things behind my back.
I’m so drained and I have no more fight in me. I know this is toxic and wild and I do want to say he is a great father and sometimes he even is a great husband so he confuses me. His kindness gives me hope but I have so much resentment at this point, I don’t trust him at all, yet I constantly feel like maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am thinking about this wrong? I have lost like 30 pounds and it’s hard to trust my own judgement because I have this hope it can possibly get better. That im maybe overreacting and blew this out of proportion because I do believe in being able to have friends of the opposite sex, which he does have. It’s just this one girl he lies about all the time. Am I justified in my anger and sadness or am I insecure because I won’t let him have this one female friend?
Tl;dr: husband lies about one female friend all the time but says he does so because I have jealousy issues and I don’t know what to believe.