My boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for around a year is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, treats me right and does many small things that make me feel super important to him. But when it comes to my mental health issues I feel like I’m talking to a wall and those conversations always end in a huge fight.
I’m very self aware of the fact that my trauma doesn’t excuse my wrongdoings but it is a reason for them in some instances. One of them being that when I feel belittled and made fun of I tend to snap at my partner/friends/family with a rude stare or something like “shut up”. This of course rightfully annoyes my BF.
Three days ago after I snapped at him for saying something that made me feel attacked I calmly asked him if he could try to reword certain things so that I dont get triggered by them.
I am in active therapie and working on my problems, my end goal is to funktion normally and not be triggered by certain things anymore and I do feel like I’m making progress.
I thought for now that might be the best thing to ask of him, so that I dont always get triggered, because it does come down to a certrain phrase he uses with me.
He got defensive with me, saying that he doesn’t work that way and its rude of me to expect him to change his way of speaking just because I cant keep it together. I tried hard to keep the conversation civil but it ended in me crying and him leaving early. I always feel like bringing up things and trying to fix them ends up pushing him away and making him angry at me for even talking about things we could do differently.
I dont want to snap at my loved ones and I thought asking him this would make things easier for both of us while I was working on myself.
I sent him a text saying I’m sorry that I brought it up and that I’ll work on on my problems more and all I got a was a okay back.He hasn’t texted me since, it’s been three days.
I dont know if I should just suck it up because it’s my fault that the problem even exist or if I’m rightfully sad about this and should take further action in talking to him about it more, and if so ,how ,without making him feel like I want to change him?
**tl;dr**Boyfriend ghosting me because I asked him to rephrase things so I don’t get triggered. Should I and how can I talk to him about this?
8 comments
> always feel like bringing up things and trying to fix them ends up pushing him away and making him angry at me for even talking about things we could do differently.
> the best boyfriend I’ve ever had
Maybe your bar is too low.
Yeah, if this is the best you can do, your bar is too low. Boyfriend lacks empathy and no amount of talking to him is going to change that behavior because it’s not a problem to him.
“He got defensive with me, saying that he doesn’t work that way and its rude of me to expect him to change his way of speaking just because I cant keep it together”
Another way to think of this is that it’s rude of him to continue to do something that he entirely has control over that literally causes you pain and makes you react to that pain. It sounds like you advocated for what you need – for you to work together to come up with a different phrasing that doesn’t ping your triggers – and he said, “nah, I’m not into that, have you tried not being triggered?”
If you are aware enough to see all the stuff you’re seeing about your own behavior and triggers and can apologize for them at the appropriate times, don’t apologize to him for his bad behavior. Recognize that he is also an actor in this relationship, and his actions are bad.
If he’s that great maybe you should try seeing things from his point of view. You’re entirely blaming him for your reactions to everything. If he says something you don’t like, you either snap at him or talk down to him about his behavior under the guise that it’s triggering for you. You’re going to lose him if you don’t start seeing the relationship as two sided and not just about what you think or feel.
>Three days ago after I snapped at him for saying something that made me feel attacked I calmly asked him if he could try to reword certain things so that I dont get triggered by them.
I feel like this really needs more background. What kind of things is he saying that makes you feel attacked? If it’s something innocuous like “we need to get groceries later,” then yes, it is unfair of you to try to make him changes the way he speaks just to avoid setting you off.
If it’s something like “you’re stupid for not getting groceries earlier” then that would be an actual problem.
>saying something that made me feel attacked
What did he say? Without knowing this it’s hard to say.
You’re not very specific about what your “triggers” are, but honestly, you sound a little exhausting to be around. While your bf may be an overall good person, he might be getting a little tired of how often your issues manifest themselves. So, he might not be completely innocent in terms of his behavior and reaction to situations, but I kinda feel like you might need to work on yourself as a single person for awhile.
Can you give examples of the kinds of thing he says that make you feel belittled / attacked and triggers this response from you?