Update:
I ripped the bandage off and told him. He is honestly the best person I’ve ever known. He took it so gently. I don’t want to get into what we talked about, but we’re going to work through it. Thank you to the people who took time to respond. It helped me to take the necessary steps to get it over with.
We’re on our way to a little spontaneous “date night” and take a long walk in nature.
Thank you again. I’m gonna leave the post up, in hopes that it’s gonna help anyone in a similar situation.
TL;DR:
24 year old female been faking orgasms her hole life. Wants to get out of the lying towards her current boyfriend, M26, but doesn’t know what to do, or how to handle it.
Hi. This is probably my most vulnerable thing to expose about myself, but I literally l do not know what to do.
Ever since I started having sex (about 15, which is the legal age in my county) I’ve been faking orgasms.
A little background about me, before you judge me too much. I’ve been struggling mentally my whole life, and was diagnosed with bpd when I was 17. My illness doesn’t really affect me anymore, other than wild emotions sometimes, but nothing worse than women with bad pms doesn’t feel (this is both how I feel, and how others close to me perceive it)
I’ve also been SA’ed by my ex boyfriend when I was about 19, but didn’t realize that it was SA till when I was about 20-21.
I’ve never been to “real” therapy for my illness nor my SA, because I haven’t felt that I needed it. I was in some kind of therapy when I first got my diagnosis, for about 1 year, but it didn’t do much for me.
I’ve never been able to orgasm with a partner, only by my self (I only started masturbating when I was about 22) and all guys (no blaming here, this is just how I feel) just REALLY want their partner to climax, and I just feel so bad for them afterwards, when they don’t succeed, so I think that’s why i started doing it.
I’ve always had a very restrained relationship with sex and intimacy. In my single periods, I had sex left and right, minimum 1 guy every week when I was at my “worst”. But as soon as I get comfortable with a guy, my sex drive disappear, completely. So much, that I’ve thought about the possibility of me being asexual, which just doesn’t make sense compared to my single periods.
I’ve been in about 4 (including my current one) relationships my adult life, and I’ve been faking in each and every one of them. By now it has become a habit, and I do it every time I have sex with my partner, M26 who I’ve been with for about 1,5 years. I obviously need to tell him, but I don’t know how, it’s not something you just casually drop in conversation.. love my boyfriend so much, and I really want it to work with him, I just don’t know what to do.
I really hope someone here can understand my situation, cause this fucking sucks, and I want to get better. Both the lying and the sex drive. I just wanna feel normal for once.