Are feelings of self-awareness and awkwardness common in genuine and long-term friendships? or am I missing out?
I noticed people often spend time, and genuinely desire to be with their friends regularly. The kind of friends they enjoy chatting with daily. That type of friendships that last long. That type of friends you can say your BFF.
Throughout my life, most of my friendships (large group of friends around 7-10 ppl) have been pretty positive. Rarely have I experienced toxicity, fights, conflicts, or disagreements with them. We often spend our time together in school gossiping, talk about our interests, chatting about our personal lives, deciding where to eat, eat together, vent, or seek help with homework. Though sometimes, i chat with them on a one-on-one conversations and talk about the most absurd things etc. I’ve always believed this is what genuine and real friendships are. Maybe I’m just laid-back and drama-free to be around that’s why I rarely have any conflicts with anyone.
However right now, I’m starting to notice that my experience in friendships are different from other people. Despite being part of a large group of friends (mostly all are females) I often do not know majority what’s going on with my friends’ lives (especially issues, or conflicts with another friend in our friend group, etc), until another friend of mine just randomly shares it when the issue had already died down later on.
I also notice they go out a lot and they genuinely, genuinely, want to spend time with each other like going to the mall, etc. I never understood that, and often find going out with friends like an obligation you should do consistently to “preserve” the friendship or whatever. To be honest, I wouldn’t feel sad if I left and ghost the friend group, which I feel like crap for thinking that way..
They are always good to me and they would sometimes try to invite me, never once disrespected me. One time, one of them even defended me when a classmate was insulting me. Despite this, I can’t seem to bring myself to actually enjoy being with friends. I genuinely find spending with them like a chore.. When they go out, I rarely make compromises to come and have fun with them. If I got no excuse, I will come out with them out of guilt. I prefer staying at home, being alone, or just go to the mall with my family or cousins instead.
And honestly, I do not believe in introversion/extroversion thing since it depends mostly on the people we surround ourselves, but I find that I am struggling in maintaining and enjoying meaningful friendships I care about. I am just staying in the friendships because they are all that I have, and not everyone is blessed with great friend groups. I dont think I have any trauma related to it too i think. My friendships has always been like this since I can remember.
I wonder why I can’t enjoy friendships like my peers do. I don’t feel comfortable to even joke around or tease with my friends. Sometimes I try but I often look cringey and unnatural when I try to goof around like them since I am known to be the silent, calm, “angel” type according to one of my friends.
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Am I overthinking this? I’d appreciate your thoughts ^^