I’ve been seeing this guy for about 9 months. I have really enjoyed dating him and everything was going pretty smooth until now. He is a medical student so very busy schedule but we’ve been making it work. His breaks from class are when we get to spend most of our time together and he’s currently on spring break.
Well he comes to town to see me and tells me that we need to talk and that there was a girl he briefly dated 8 years ago. They didn’t end on the best of terms, which he said always bothered him for some reason. He then tells me that he was out of town and met her to briefly talk and she tried to come onto him but he denied it due to our relationship. I could have probably moved past this and talked through it. But then he tells me instead of seeing me that night, he needs to go see her to get drinks. He says he knows they’re not meant to be together but he hasn’t been able to fully shut that door and that seeing her will finally help close that chapter for him.
I blew up when he told me. I ended things immediately and stormed off. I did come back after an hour so we could further discuss. Which we did for quite a few hours. I told him how uncomfortable I am with him pretty much going on a date with a girl and that it’s unfair for him to expect me to wait around to be a second option. He says I’m not a second option nor does he expect me to wait, this is a him thing and he needs to do it for him. Now I could maybe try to move past all of this until he admitted to me yesterday that she stayed over. He is insistent there was nothing physical between them but it’s crappy either way.
I do want to briefly add that I was in a 9 year relationship before this that ended in my partner cheating on me and leaving me for the other girl. Which he does know because we have discussed our last relationships extensively. So this just is I guess opening those wounds again.
I’m stuck in a pickle here. I know I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I honestly feel really stupid even considering trying to work things out. But I guess my mind and heart just aren’t aligning right this second. And cutting ties at 9 months wouldn’t be that big of a deal but good ol feelings get in the way.
Update: Although I did end things the other day, I just texted him to reiterate that we are done and wished him luck. I know I deserve better than someone who is unsure of me.
A second update that is somewhat funny: he let her stay the night because they were both so drunk and he pissed in the bed.
48 comments
He’s not the one, sis. He has massive red flags.
You did the right thing by breaking up.
Leave him – people treat you as you allow them to
He can do whatever he wants but you don’t have to tolerate it
Leave him
You’re supposed to be HIS number 1. He is telling you that you’re his second choice.
Leave him!!
That’s a no dawg from me. He spent the night with her. Someone he needs to “close the door” on? Nah. Nope. You’ve been down this road before, why would you even consider it again? Your self esteem and pride are worth much more than this.
He absolutely told you that you are his backup. Kick him to the curb and don’t look back
Closing the door on someone can be done whether they’re standing on the other side of it, a mile down the road or across the country, it doesn’t require them to be *right there*. Does he need to effectively slam it right in her face? Why does this need to be done over drinks? If she already spent the night, why does he need *another* round with her to finalize things? If he wanted to close the door he could have done so at any point. It seems an absurd premise, needing to keep seeing someone to let them go.
You and he have different “I want to’s”
He went on a date with her and fucked her. He told you he was doing it whether you liked it or not. You can’t seriously believe he brought her home and nothing happened.
You were right at first. I’d have broken up with him instantly and blocked him on everything.
You don’t need to have drinks and spend the night with someone you’re’ closing a door’ with.
He knew you were upset and still went. Don’t spend another minute with him.
As a girl who was also cheated on in an 8 year relationship, I totally feel you. I could never accept or move past this and it doesn’t matter if he slept with her or not that night. Find someone who would think twice before doing something that would hurt you.
He’s 32 and acts like a teenager. Move on, you’re better without him. Don’t waste any more time
He just HAD to meet with her and then she HAD to spend the night????
If he was sure of you he wouldn’t need to see her AGAIN. Remember he saw her and that could have been his closure but he was looking for your permission to allow him to see her again FOR A DATE. Then he decided to go on that date knowing full well that he might lose you because of it and he still chose to go, not only that, he had her spend the night.
He is telling you very clearly with his actions that he doesn’t value you or your relationship. When that woman flirted with him, it got him thinking that he might want to try again with her and nothing you said changed his mind. It could also be that he wanted one last night with her and that’s what he did. Are you ok with being with a guy who would rather chance losing you for a date and night with his ex? Are you ok with being with a guy who has so little respect or care for you???
Even if they didn’t sleep together, there’s enough evidence to prove he isn’t that into you, if he was, he wouldn’t have risked losing you. If I were you I would move on and find someone who will choose you. You deserve better than him.
Let that dude go. she will always be in the back of his mind no matter what. Your should be no one’s second choice. Get someone better.
Move on from him, you aren’t his first choice and he’s willing to risk you to try her out. Nope nope nope!
Run towards the door
I wouldn’t call someone you’ve only been seeing for 9 months a partner. You barely know each other and you’re rebound girl, and that will never end well.
He is still hung up on another woman. Tell him good luck and to never get back in contact, and then you run away.
The door that needs to be closed is the one behind him as he carries himself out of your life.
If you were “the one” he would have zero need to go behind your back, cheat on you, and trickle-truth you about what actually happened. Even if they didn’t sleep together – which I very seriously doubt NOTHING happened – he put his personal emotions and needs so far in front of yours he didn’t even consider them in the distance. This is what I want, I’m doing it, I did it, oh but I still like you. What?
You deserve better.
A 32 year old man needs to have drinks in a bar to get “closure” with a woman he dated briefly eight years ago? That’s some high level bullshit right there. Tell him to go get his closure and to lose your number.
What a muppet.
He didn’t choose you. Don’t even bother with him again if your not his first choice then why stay what happens if she comes back in a few years
You can close the damn door over breakfast in a cafe. Why does it have to be over drinks. You don’t deserve this.
Yeaaaaaaahhhh he cheated on you. He is trickle-truthing you so you don’t freak out.
First it’s “we run into each other” then it’s “oh we hungout and she came onto me but don’t worry I turned her down”, then it’s “well actually I didn’t fully turn her down because we are getting drinks tonight” and now it’s “well actually I didn’t turn her down at all because she stayed over”
Once you open your eyes to this you’ll realize that he is lying to you. She didn’t just stay over, they 1000000% had sex. And he wants to do it again. He’s slowly revealing more and more of what happened to see how much he can get away with and still have you as his backup.
He cheated on you for sure.
Yeah this was 8 years ago and he should well be over it and not have the need to see her.
He is not over her even after 8 years. He still has obvious feelings for her and an emotional attachment that is why he wants to go and see her.
If he wants to go and close that door tell him that’s fine, but that if he goes he has to understand that your door will be closed as well.
Nope. What an idiot he was trying to frame that as closing up his history for you. Just no.
In actuality….you are then better catch and now the one that he will need to get over. Just leave. He doesn’t deserve “closure.” I’m sorry it hurts but you deserve to be treated much better.
You are not stuck in a pickle here at all.
You told your boyfriend exactly how you felt about this, and he totally disregarded your feelings and did what he wanted anyway. To the point where she spent the night with him.
He has completely disrespected you, and shown you exactly how important you are to him. He can try to spin it any way he wants with gaslighting and bullshit manipulation, but it’s starkly obvious here.
What you do with this information is obviously up to you, but most would not waste any more time with someone who thought so little of them.
He’s cheating on you. He’s trickle truthing you. You are in fact the backup option, no matter what he says. Girl, pack up your self respect and leave.
Does he even want to keep seeing you or is he now trying to see her?
be the second girl that got away
Run.
Yeah, that is a break up situation. If he needs to see her so badly then she can have you. I want a guy devoted 100% to me and not pining over an ex.
You should just walk away.
Sounds like he’s trickle truthing you. First it’s “I ran into her on a trip and we just talked. She came onto me but I said no.” Next it’s “We’re just meeting again for late night drinks to talk, that’s all.” Then it’s “We got drinks and she slept over at my place, but nothing physical happened”.
I 100% guarantee the next thing he’ll begrudgingly admit is that they kissed, but insist that was all that happened…And then a few days/weeks/months later he will finally admit that yes they had sex that night.
Don’t wait around for him to be honest. You know that even just going on a second date with his EX (and yes, it was a date) crossed a major boundary. Time to move on, he’s not ready to be in a relationship.
He doesn’t respect you or your feelings. It’s only 9 months don’t stick around and be a door mat. Find someone who will respect you and not treat you like a runner-up.
To say they didn’t do anything. Yea right! it was completely inappropriate for her to be staying over. Run don’t walk away from this man.
Get online and read the number of people who leave partners for the one who “got away”. It really is a thing. He stomped all over your relationship. I think you need to enjoy life without worrying every second about what he is up to.
>But then he tells me instead of seeing me that night, he needs to go see her to get drinks
What the actual … How does one even has the audacity to say something so stupid like this?
If you believe nothing happened on a date where they drank and went back to his place for the night you in for a long and painful relationship.
Respect yourself. He’s a cheater, but I’m sure he’ll continue to try contacting you because your relationship ended badly.
Be done. This is beyond disrespectful.
I bet in a few years you will be the one that got away that he’s telling some other poor girl about. People like this are always romanticizing their past partners.
As he works to “shut the door”, close your door on this relationship.
I’d tell him he can go, but never come back, here’s the door and good luck.
This is a shark bump before he takes a bite, testing the waters.
Sounds to me like he’s testing you to see how much of his bullshit you will take.
You two are in a relationship. You explicitly expressed something made you uncomfortable (with validity) and he went against it. Yes, he admitted it. But honestly I kinda think he said that to avoid guilt and make himself seem like he’s in the clear. Trickle-truth I’d have to guess. He could be honest, but the chances are slim IMO based off the context and story here. You deserve a partner who clearly respects your boundaries and you shouldn’t have to settle for anything less. Good luck OP, you are so worthy of happiness and respect!
“I need to have sex with this other girl. If the sex is really good I’m going to break up with you, but if not you’ll still be my fallback. I know you would understand!”
What’s really sad is you’re actually debating staying with him. How incredibly sad.
Congrats. Ur the 2nd choice.
Leave.
Dude thinks he is the main character of How I met your Mother. About to find out how you got away too.
Bounce. Dude is an asshole.
If he says it wasn’t meant to be, why see her again?
He’s a med student, probably quite happy to string along multiple women who want to land a doctor. Wouldn’t be surprised if he keeps this up another 10 or 15 years, and then marries a 23 year-old nurse. He wouldn’t be the first.
He did the classic “ask for forgiveness instead of permission”
And the classic “add an embarrassing detail to a lie because it makes it seem more realistic”
I’m glad you ended it, you do deserve better. You should’ve thrown in about how he’s better than your ex and knowing what your ex did to you makes him a pos.
“If you waste your time on a girl that got away, I’ll be the new girl that got away”