I’m a 32yo F who has been working in finance and technology since graduating college. My bf is a 30yo former Marine who works as a flight attendant. We’re both aligned in our values around traditional roles, spirituality, and finances. Here’s some relevant background info:
– I’ve been married before (no kids) when I was 23 but the relationship ended right before Covid when I was 28. We don’t have kids together so luckily it was a “clean” break.
– I was the first to get married but also the only one divorced in my peer group as they all started getting married and having kids soon around this time.
– Having had this experience I want to do things “right” this time and work out any potential kinks before the big commitment. I don’t plan on being divorced twice.
– Finances were one reason for my divorce. My ex had a hard time holding down a job, I paid for him to go to college twice but he couldn’t follow through, left me with debt but also as the main breadwinner. In the beginning I was fine with being a modern wife, understanding that it was important to invest in him for long term returns but ultimately among other reasons, we went our separate ways.
– I grew up poor. My parents were immigrants and hard workers. They instilled good values and work ethic in me. Today I make $180k a year salary.
– My boyfriend is a war hero. He was deployed twice and earned a Purple Heart. He didn’t graduate college but he is the bravest man in my world and I can’t wait to start a family with him. I understand that while I was working hard in college and my career, he was working hard in his own and arguably more important way.
Today we’re 7 months into our relationship and talking about getting married. I am happy to cook for him and keep a clean house, do chores on days I work from home. I want to be a present wife and mom but I also take pride in my work and enjoy the lifestyle it affords me.
So here’s the problem: I want to be a stay at home wife and take care of my family. I want my husband to be the provider and protector which my bf is 100% in agreement of. I know that in order to have this arrangement I’d have to give up my job and rely on only his income. He makes about 75-100k and while this is definitely enough to live on, I would need to sacrifice some luxuries and conveniences I have today. I don’t want to have any reason to feel resentment or regret in the future. I know having kids, buying a house, etc is expensive and these finances are only going to go up.
My bf is working hard towards becoming a pilot which would increase his income to more than mine in a few years. Of course I have a chip on my shoulder from my previous relationship where I relied on promises and potential to decide to invest in a person. I know money doesn’t equal happiness but I am also not naive. I know money greases the wheels. I have ambitions to retire my parents and give my kids a good life while giving back to my community. I know I need to plant the seeds now if I want a successful marriage. My bf is a good man who deserves a “hot” wife that takes care of herself and him.
Working and formerly working women: have you ever had to face this challenge and make sacrifices or were you able to “have it all”?
All others: I’m curious what your perspective is from the outside. Am I delusional for even thinking this is a problem?