tl:dr – Had a bad proposal and is now considering ending things because of circumstances.
Me (26f) & my boyfriend/fiancé (26m) have been together for almost 4 years. We met in college, graduated together, and have lived in three cities together with our 2 shared cats. We spend most of our time together and have a pretty good relationship for the most part. We have the same values and he is a great guy.
In November he decided he was ready to propose. We talked about what I wanted in a ring and he thought I was asking for too much, I said I would rather we wait until we could feel financially confident. I didn’t want the engagement to have anything to do with money; I have money insecurity due to my childhood. We make very good money now and are not struggling, I’m a pharma rep and he is an engineer. I wanted the engagement to be a happy thing, not a thing we have to argue and be upset about. I make a decent bit more currently so I suggested pitching in and he didn’t like the idea. He also didn’t want to wait either so we compromised on the ring and I felt ok with the choice.
Flash forward to thanksgiving we were looking at rings with his family jeweler and mom, the rings that he was showing were the rings I originally wanted. I was so excited and figured he was okay with it, right after the appointment he started talking about money and that I should have picked the cheaper option (even though he agreed on the ring I picked in the store), he didn’t say it specifically but I think since his mom was there he didn’t want to say anything to seem more well off.
My birthday is on New years so for my birthday this year he got me a trip to a popular weekend getaway spot in April. Which is kinda weird now to get me a trip 4 months in advance when I think about it but regardless. But I knew it was where he was planning on proposing.
In January his best friend proposed to his gf. It was a very last minute proposal and we decided to help him propose, we met at the spot and took pictures on our phones gave her flowers etc. It was very cute and VERY them. During that I felt very uncomfortable being there, I feel like a proposal is very intimate and they were his friends.
On the car ride home we spoke about our proposal and I said please don’t have them come. I wanted it to be just us. We had spoke about wanting a photographer before so I figured he would do that. I really gave him complete free rain besides that, I did not expect somthing huge.
The weeks to come were rough for us, we were fighting and I couldn’t stop snapping at him and he couldn’t lay off of me; I was having severe doubts about our relationship. I asked him that he push back the engagement because all I wanted was to be happy during this time. I struggle with pretty severe depression and I just wanted a happy engagement. Coming up to the trip I knew it was coming anyways, he had lunch with my dad and it was extremely obvious. I had a ton of anxiety about it, my intuition that he didn’t listen to me was so loud and I was crying in my car on the way to work the day before because I just knew. I told him I was too anxious to go and wanted to stay home, I was talking about not having the right clothes/weather being bad etc to try and give him the hint because he definitely knew I knew. He insisted that we had to go, that the room was un refundable and we would figure something out.
So the proposal was everything I asked for it not to be. Not only were his friends there but he literally copied and pasted his friend’s proposal. Even down to what he said which was “I had a whole thing written out so I’m nervous but I love you marry me” I said yes and his friends were there he immediately went over to his friend. I tried to hard to ignore but my face said in all in the pictures his friend took, and his gf knew I was upset. The first thing he said to me was sorry after he saw my face. He said he didn’t want to spend the money on photography and ran out of time. (I learned later my mom had offered a photographer for us as she is in the industry but he said he had it covered) He knew he messed up. I wasn’t mad I didn’t have a spectacular proposal, I was mad because I
1. Got specifically what I didn’t ask for
2. Got a copy and paste proposal
3. Got money involved when I said we could wait, and to push it back.
4. I gave him a way out, to change things before hand but he pushed it forward
5. Put no thought into it at all
6. Said “I had a whole thing I wanted to say but I’m anxious” but didn’t in reality (I asked) + that being word for word what his friend said 2 months prior
What hurt the most is I asked him how did he think I was going to react, he said he did not think about it. I do not understand, I would hope that the person that was ask for me to love them and them love me the rest of our lives would have thought about how I would have reacted. I seriously don’t understand why he didn’t just wait. Looking back at everything the whole thing was so incredibly selfish. I do everything for him and I’m extremely hurt. The whole day was ruined we both were extremely upset (Saturday) and I’m currently at work crying typing this on mobile (Monday). This is supposed to only happen once in our lives and he did not even consider for a second my feelings. My intuition is flaming at me to leave.
On the other hand he feels bad. He has cried about what he did and said he wishes he could go back and do it again. He said he wants to go to couples therapy and fix this/ and will make it up to me. I think this whole situation gave me the clarity I needed to leave? Like the last straw. This is the most dramatic thing ever in my life and I am not a dramatic person but I don’t know if I should stay and work on this or just bite the bullet.
Pictures are posted and everything so this is going to be a nightmare if I decide to end it (he wanted pics posted). I just know my heart is actually broken and don’t know how to handle it. I wanted to post here and get insights because obviously there are not a ton of people I can talk to about this. I talked with my best friend and she is furious at him. I know he hasn’t spoken to anyone about it. My therapy appointment isn’t until tomorrow but I’m considering getting a hotel for a week and letting myself cool down. But I don’t know if I should? Any opinions or insights are appreciated but hopefully you guys aren’t too mean to me.