My GF and I are aligned perfectly on just about everything but sex. There’s a bit of a libido mismatch and just different views of sex generally. To be honest, I don’t think the magnitude of differences is too big, not enough to be a deal breaker.
However, every time we have a fight she wants to have sex that night. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself in an argument thinking about the sex we’ll have later. I don’t want it to be like this!
I know the first rule of the subreddit is “communicate” but honestly I’m scared that if I say anything she’ll stop having sex but the arguments will remain. With our libido mismatch I really value the sex we do have. On the other hand I am starting to wonder if I am picking fights just to get laid. I’m not sure where to go.
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That’s a rough one. How about you just let her start those fights. Unnecessary communication is not that useful.
If sex is based on any type of behavior where it becomes transactional, ask yourself if this is something you want to do for the rest of your life. You both are conditioning yourselves to manufacture animosity towards each other just for the make-up sex. As much as most of us enjoy pounding out some aggression from time to time, this dynamic doesn’t bode well over the long term. You’re already walking on eggshells, afraid to communicate that you see this as a red flag. The more you bury this issue the longer it’ll stay buried. You’ve already recognized you have this toxicity between you; it’s best that you discuss and correct this before it fossilizes into a permanent facet of your relationship.
If you worry you are picking fights just to get laid, then I’d say your relationship isn’t all as healthy as you make it out to be to be honest. Libido mismatches are definitely something that it is justifiable to break up over IF THE MISMATCH is causing one or both parties to resent the other – and if you, even on SOME level, suspect you may be deliberately picking fights JUST to get her to have sex, then that is not good, because you are basically manipulating her into bed.
You need to speak to her about this. Libido mismatches are something most couples have to deal with as it’s highly unlikely that any couple will always want EXACTLY the same type of sex at EXACTLY the same time, with EXACTLY the same frequency; however if the difference is TOO much to be solved by compromise, then you are simply sexually incompatible. For example, in my marriage, I am a low-libido husband, by comparison to my wife; I am happy with 1-2 per week on average, but she could easily go every other day, 4-5 times. We aim to average about 3 times a week – this is less than she’d ideally want, but more than I would ideally choose, BUT neither of us are going TOO far out of our comfort zones to achieve this. If she wanted multiple times a day, for example, we wouldn’t be compatible because it’s unlikely either she could scale her sex drive back enough for me without being too frustrated and resentful, or for me to raise mine enough to meet her without ME ending up that way.
You need to talk. Find out why she seems more in the mood after arguments – “make up sex” is a common enough thing, usually because it releases the built-up tension from an argument, and also after an argument, emotions are heightened and so things feel more passionate. Is THIS what she is feeling after an argument? Could be you two need to explore healthy ways of spicing things up as opposed to always arguing.
Solace seeking sex as a result of attachment stress is not what a healthy relationship is built on. In fact it’s a clear example of a toxic relationship. The reward she feels in that kind of sex is probably more like the relief you feel when you get to pee after an agonising wait, rather than actual real pleasure.
Does she have a history of toxic relationships, or perhaps bad relationships with her parents? Just curious, it tends to go along with things like this.
Anyway you need to talk to her about this, and work out how to you can reduce the intensity of your conflicts and work out how to cultivate her sexual desire out of intimacy, quality of emotional connection, pleasure and goodwill.
Toxic sex is a cheat code to passion and a lot of people will never admit that.
Decide what’s more important to you- sex or reducing arguments in your relationship for the long-term.
You need to work out a balance between your libidos that is completely separated from arguments. If you cannot do that, then the mismatch IS too big. She views sex as a tool to ‘make-up’ after arguments– that frequently leads to the cycle you’re referring to, where the higher libido partner eventually starts arguments as they know it will lead to sex.
1. Stop having sex after arguments in the short-term. This may be hard for you but it’s better for the relationship long-term. Discuss her views on this and emphasise that it is not healthy. If it’s a kink she has, you can discuss that. But more likely it’s the old-fashioned view of using sex to smooth things over, giving you what she knows you want to calm things down.
2. Find a better way to manage the mismatch in your libidos (scheduling sex etc, there’s plenty of advice on this subreddit on this topic) so you will no longer hold sex in such high esteem that you are willing to argue just to reach it.
Strong emotions increase desire, you just need to find healthier ways to have strong emotions in your relationship. It also sounds like she is anxious about the relationship and using sex as a way to feel reassurance, there are much safer ways to create those feelings of longing for you (for example, you having a decent social life)
>I know the first rule of the subreddit is “communicate” but honestly I’m scared that if I say anything she’ll stop having sex but the arguments will remain. With our libido mismatch I really value the sex we do have. On the other hand I am starting to wonder if I am picking fights just to get laid. I’m not sure where to go
You want a future like this forever dude? Where sex has to always be preceded by confrontation? Where you feel SCARED to have a reasonable discussion about conflict resolution with your PARTNER for fear she won’t have sex with you? And the magnitude of the difference isn’t enough to be a dealbreaker but it is manifesting in such unhealthy ways that you may be actively picking fights or holding onto resentment…just to have sex?
This goes one of three ways
-You do nothing and it stays the same or gets more unhealthy
-You approach her about this and it resolves the issue or doesn’t
-You or her decide this isn’t a great relationship long term and break up
Don’t let your fear of losing your sexual relationship dictate your communication with your girlfriend. It’s important to address these issues and find a compromise that works for both of you. Plus, maybe the make-up sex will be even better when you both have a better understanding of each other’s needs.
She probably thinks of it as reconnecting after fighting, not “rewarding bad behavior.”
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I think you should bring it up, but if you are that worried about it stopping, maybe talk about ways to carve out more time for sex in general and then ask about the post-fight sex.
I used to do this with my toxic ex he would make me feel like shit in a fight and was quite abusive and I was naive and just wanted his love so resorted to sex to “make it all ok again” i’m so sorry to say this but I feel sorry for this girl and you should leave her alone. You clearly value sex more than your girlfriends emotional well-being and a strong relationship. Go find your sex equal in a healthy way. She deserves better as well. Wishing you all the best.
I’m 2years out of a relationship with a woman who would start fights to have sex later.
I didn’t like it,it isn’t connected and wholesome, it’s desperate and nescessary-if you don’t have sex,the fights escalate.
It wasn’t the reason I left,but i don’t miss it.