Long post ahead, needs to get this out of my system, at least for me.
Maybe I am starting to get out of youth (24M) or I am just tired of hookups after failure at building anything remotefully serious in a while.
So here is my thing, I’m a young man in France, and I feel like I can’t find someone for anything remotefully serious, or at least I can’t find a woman I would be interested with to build anything serious, and idk why it is starting to worry me a little.
I’ve had multiple relationships, mostly using dating app, and after being dumped twice, i decided to take it easy and focus on myself, and just have some hookups occasionnally. I realise that hookups didn’t really bring me any lasting joy, and clearly not anything resembling the happiness I felt than with women I had emotionnal attachement to. I mean, they weren’t mean, they could be good friends but I just didn’t feel anything for them. And it’s fine for hookups, except when it spirals weird, example being the last one I had started to get attached to me but since I didn’t feel anything for her, I preferred to cut ties and stop there to not hurt her anymore.
Rn in my life everything is fine, I’ve got a stable job, I have friends and I have a very good relationship with my family, I have hobbies and things to do. But even then, I… kinda crave for a relationship. Not a hookup but something “serious”, or at least a relationship, dating someone again.
I’ve realised over the year that I have become somewhat “picky”, probably a result of my past relationship turning sour. i know I was not perfect at all, and a “good thing” about them is that we broke up on good term and in understanding, even if it hurts (and surprise, dumping someone can be as complicated if not more than dumping someone, especially if you loved that person before). And yet I realised I’ve started to have more needs than I used to. Or maybe I am not as attractive as I used to be, or anything of the sort. I just want to be with someone with whom i can connect at least somewhat deeply.
I’ve also lost some confidence, with dating apps and social medias I have started to become more introverted and I don’t go to people as easily as I used to, and to be frank it is worrying me. i am afraid to approach people I find attractive or cool in fear they would reject me or find me creepy, so now I just don’t do anything and just settle in what I have. Weirdly enough if people do the first step, that shell is broken I am way more open, but I feel like this “shell” is blocking me, and it’s a vicious circle that prevents me to get to meet new people or do any new activity in fear of not blending in and being the odd one there.
It’s the first time in my life where I don’t have “anyone” I am interested with. When I was younger even when I got rejected a lot of time, I’ve had my crushes so I never really bothered with that. And for the past 4 years I’ve had 3 relationships (not counting hookups), only being single since last November. But it’s the first time I don’t have anyone I have a crush nor am I interested in. No women I am interested in (not in a romantic way, nor even a horny way), and it’s weird, it’s scarying me, because I am afraid I won’t meet anyone that can sway my heart away like it did in the past. Maybe it’s what I need, to fall in love again. Maybe what I am complaning is that I can’t find the energy or opportunity to meet people to create this. Maybe what I need is to work on myself to meet people and create a new space where I can meet new people. Maybe it’s just silly talk and thoughts that happened because 2 of my coworkers my ages and my friends my age are going to be parents soon, making me wonder if I am late compared to them.
I don’t really know. I am not in a hurry, it is not a race; and frankly, apart from that I am very happy with my life, everything is cool and I am in a good spot. Maybe I’m thinking too much about the future but man…