My 30 year marriage is it an inflection point where we fight all the time. We have both been discussing divorce a lot. At the core of it is that my wife feels like I don’t respect her. She (53F) says I (50F) belittle her and humiliate her and criticize her all the time.
I have been thinking about this and I am definitely not trying to humiliate her. I do criticize her, but I don’t think it’s excessive and I try to be sensitive about how I do it. However, she is absolutely right that I don’t respect her. I don’t know what to do about that.
When we met I thought she was amazing. She was so driven and smart and organized but over the years she has become a shell of herself. She never finished college, she doesn’t have a career, she doesn’t do anything around the house, we never had kids, she battles depression, and she has developed some real anxiety-related disorders. She will never admit to being at fault for anything, the world is conspiring against her, and I am an accomplice. She doesn’t take any responsibility for wanting to change anything and blames me.
I have suggested therapy, couples counseling, her going back to school to finish her degree, her going to spend time with her dad on the other coast to clear her head, self-help books (some of which she does read), and have now even tried to enlist the help of her sister to get her out of her rut because it is shocking how far she has fallen. She admits that, but doesn’t see a way forward.
We were at the store the other day and I wanted to know if she could help pay for something cash as I didn’t have enough. I asked her how much money she had and she said “I don’t know.” I asked her in an admittedly patronizing tone of voice “Well, can you find out?” She started talking about not knowing what money is in what account and this big song and dance. I told her I don’t need to know all that, but how much money does she have in her wallet. She pulled out all the wads of bills like a 5 year old might, dropping some on the floor and said “I think $40.” She didn’t even bother to count it. She is 53 years old! She was a bookkeeper for years! She got mad at me because she said that was humiliating and I treated her like a kid. She acts like a kid! A grown ass woman should be able to say “I am not sure. Let me check” and then pull out her wallet and not have unorganized wads of bills spilling out all over the damn floor in the middle of the store and then guess how much money that is. She was humiliated by that, but she did that to herself.
I can’t respect a person like this. I realize this is a dealbreaker for her but I think she has some untreated mental health issues and she just won’t get help. I feel like if I can’t respect her then we can’t remain married. It is hurting her to know that I don’t respect her, but I just don’t. There are things she could do to regain my respect such as getting some help and looking for a job but I don’t know if I want to present her with a checklist because it seems like a jerk thing to do. She says I need to be more kind. I try, but it’s really hard when I feel like she is my child more than my spouse.
Advice appreciated.