My wife and I have been together for 5 years, married for around half that time. We are in our mid-30s and have always been very goal-oriented, possibly to a fault. My wife especially wanted a quick engagement timeline and marriage as soon as possible in order to get started on baby-making. I went along with it because I always wanted to be a father. I wanted to marry her eventually, but I do feel like we rushed into things.
That was three years ago. Since then, we have been at a cadence of monthly sex, outside of the unenjoyable, sterile sex we have had specifically for the purpose of conceiving a child.
Here’s how our relationship has gone thus far:
Year 1 (dating): Sex every other day
Year 2 (dating): Sex weekly
Year 3 (dating/married): Sex twice per month
Year 4 (married): Sex twice per month, one of which is unenjoyable, timed sex when neither of us was in the mood
Year 5 (married): Sex monthly, wife is finally pregnant from IVF
My preferred cadence is twice weekly, but I’ll settle for once a week. She has informed me that she will never want sex at a weekly cadence, and states her preference for a twice monthly cadence. Truthfully, I think she honestly prefers once monthly but is trying to make her libido seem higher than it is. With pregnancy on the way, I’m worried we will eventually get to a pace of zero monthly.
I talked to her about it (again), but the response was the usual “we can try for weekly”. “Trying for weekly” has basically meant “monthly”. She thinks my sexual desires are unrealistic for a marriage. Are they?
A cute girl recently hit on me and I felt so excited to be wanted again. I exercise regularly but my wife doesn’t seem attracted to me all that much. I turned the girl down but I felt depressed afterward.
Redditors like to guilt trip you into thinking you’re a bad guy who doesn’t do enough chores or date your wife enough. She’s the one that fills our social calendar to the brim with networking events and I do most of the chores around the house. I love her dearly and always do my best to be an ideal husband, the kind that it would be very difficult to complain about. As a result, I’m often walking on eggshells around my wife, which has probably decreased her attraction to me. There is no winning.
I guess what I’m asking is, is this likely to get worse over time? The pattern is clear. I’m thinking we need sex therapy, since we’ve been in relationship counseling before but not specifically sex counseling (if that’s even a thing). Can you truly rehabilitate someone’s sex drive or is this just inevitably going to get worse over time? I’m too young to be in a near-sexless marriage. I crave intimacy with a woman, specifically my wife.
45 comments
Typically the answer to your title question is “yes”
You’ve answered your own question. “The pattern is clear.”
My wife and I tried a schedule when our professional schedules were absolutely impossible to work around.
If you are married long enough to someone who loves you and is relatively healthy, it ebbs and flows. It doesn’t always go down the rabbit hole. I got randier as I got older, 40s, 50s….Thirtys I was not married until 39. So if you are healthy, and both make it apoint, it organically comes back for women.
I feel for you and others that have had the horrible, procreation sex. I’ve never experienced that but seems horrible. I will say yes, you can expect it to get worse from here. Pregnancy and child going to make it much worse prepare for 9-12 months no sex buddy.
Most likely. You did better than me. Our sex life tanked shortly after our engagement. Then went to like once a year for a few years before and after having kids (6 years into marriage). Now I’m on the zero sex program.
Tbh it’s a little wild you guys got to this point and even agreed to bring a child into the mix? Weekly sex after having a baby (especially the first few years) is not very likely given the history already. AND you’re already feeling giddy from other women? It’s all a recipe for disaster. Also if you do leave and get a new partner…maybe not have kids with them if sex is really important to you.
Will it get worse? Almost certainly. If/Once you have a child, sex will likely decrease further.
It’s unlikely that there is anything you can do to change this. She has to want more sex and it’s clear she doesn’t.
Been married 40 years. It ebs and flows.
BUT, having a wife who doesn’t want sex is a heartbraker.
It’s fairly common for the sex life to tank after having kids. The fact that you’re in this state before kids should be alarming. Putting IVF attempts on hold until you clarify what each of you need would have been a good idea, but it’s too late for that now.
As you pointed out, seeing a sex therapist (before the whole newborn stress starts!!) could be a good option if she agrees to it. I doubt regular counseling would help.
Together a mere 5 years and sex was already this infrequent? Yes it will get much worse after baby is here.
The sexless marriage narrative is so depressing. I would agree with others who said it ebbs and flows. In my own experience having been married 15yrs with 4 young kids, it’s never been less than once/week— excluding some period of time during a recovery from something. I’d say our average is 2x/week, but there are periods of time where it’s 4x/week. This has been fairly consistent whether we were in the thick of the baby stage or now at school aged children, and I will add we do have different drives with one being significantly higher than the other, but have found a happy-medium
Wow. There are a lot of depressing comments here, so I thought I’d give an alternative viewpoint. My wife and I are in our 60’s, and having some of the best sex of our lives. We’ve been together for 40 years. We had a bit of a lull in our 30’s, and I “pushed” the subject a bit, because I was hoping for a full lifetime of frequent sex that both of us would enjoy. My wife seemed to be basing her ideas on what she thought would be a “normal” or “typical” decline, but I told her that there is no real reason to go down that path. Luckily, my wife agreed, and perked back up.
We’ve mostly increased our sex each decade since then. We’ve never averaged less than twice a week. It is 3-4 times a week now. For us, the feeling of being “connected” is tied to sex, in both directions. The sex is much better when we are feeling connected, so we have it more often.
I think it is important to have a lot of non-sexual touching in all the days of the week. Also, we do a lot of massages, sensual touching, and sexual touching that doesn’t necessarily lead to intercourse or orgasm. We both feel very desired, and our “fires” are stoked continuously.
I should add that we had the advantage of not having kids. I think we’d have still found a way though, but I also sympathize with the difficulties of dealing with that.
Bringing a child or children into your lives will guarantee the decrease of sex for a minimum of 2+ years post birth of each child. Potentially longer depending on breastfeeding, sleeping and other general issues that come with parenthood. I think every couple should enter parenthood knowing there could be sexless years. What if the baby has special needs? What if your wife has severe PPD? There are just so many variables that could put a back burner on sex in those first 24 months.
If she’s not already pregnant, I’d FOR SURE hold off on pregnancy until you have a frank conversation and sex therapy. It would be unfair to her and your future children to move forward knowing you likely won’t remain in this marriage long term if you don’t have sexual compatibility.
And yes, there are sex therapists. You should see if there are some local to your area. You need to be blunt and tell her that you don’t want a future where your physical needs aren’t met. You might find things about yourself that she resents. You might find she’s unsatisfied sexually. But at least it’ll be on the table.
Sex therapy is a thing, and you definitely need it. At the very least you need marriage counseling. As it stands, your needs aren’t matching up. Pregnancy is going to change things, so you’re going to need to be patient for a while…every couple/body/relationship is different but don’t be surprised if you get cut off until 3-6 months after the birth.
Nonetheless, your current dynamic is already building resentment, and is probably going to lead to bitterness or problems in the relationship.
Your value as a husband is not how ‘complainable about’ you are or are not, or how well you do chores. Marriages are about partnership, resilience, and bringing out the best in each other. If you’re walking on eggshells, stop. That’s not okay. That’s emotional abuse. And what the hell are these ‘networking events’ all about anyway?
Lastly, it’s not a foregone conclusion that sex is permanently just going to dry up. Again, every relationship is different, and it’s certainly ebbed and flowed in the 25+ years I’ve been with my wife. Lately it’s pretty damn good, which was kind of a surprise to me but maybe that can give you some hope.
Honestly, I think you’re seeing the impact of ‘rushed into things’. You need to develop strong bonds with each other, not treat marriage like a transaction.
Good luck my dude!
Wow there is a lot to unpack here.
1. That is a pretty dramatic decline from daily to weekly to once a month. I understand that life is busy, but is there more going on here? Sometimes things like infertility or even stress from over filling a schedule can really start to weigh on a person and decrease their sex drive. Is she doing okay, emotionally? If so, what about hormonally? Has she had panels drawn recently?
2. If she is doing well emotionally/medically then yes: suggesting a sex therapist might be a great thing. Effectiveness depends a bit on the reason your sex life is dwindling, but it can really help some people. Honestly, even bringing this up in your general marriage counseling might be beneficial for you two. I can feel your frustration and overwhelm from the pace of your life and the intensity of your calendar through my phone. Sometimes these patterns we get into with overfilling schedules can really harm a relationship in ways that are hard to even identify until we slow down and talk about it. You may both be reacting to that more than you realize.
3. To be a realist: sex might decrease during and following childbirth. The transition to being parents is big and everyone adapts differently. Part of being in a long term relationship is understanding (reasonable) ebbs and flows.
4. All that said, be careful with other women. The way you’re speaking about just this one woman hitting on you is incredibly concerning.
Now, it can be normal to have sex a little less often than during your early honeymoon phase when you were ripping clothes off each other. That usually doesn’t last forever. Especially if kids are in the picture because hormones can change libido. Stress can change libido too. Libido can also decrease due to age – most people in their 30s or 40s etc are having sex a little less often than when they were 20.
Has she gotten checked with her doctor to see if she has any hormonal imbalances?
However the thing here is if she is happy with sex only once a month, then that’s all you’re going to have. She wont change what she feels is fine. Us it a dealbreaker for you if the rest of your life is like this? Are you happy to masturbate instead?
No. Married 9 yrs, together for 14, we are both 36, we have 3 kids and recently my nephew moved in to work with my husband.
We bang like 3 times a week. And we’re kinky.
Yes we’ve gone periods where no sex was happening. But those are rare.
I’d really recommend that you reframe this from “sex” to the fact that you don’t feel desired…..and that hurts.
I mean, you can probably get her to have more performative sex with you to make you happier. But once you realize it was performative, does it make you happy?
That’s why you really need to focus on the fact that it’s important for you to feel desired to be in a happy relationship. Sex can almost be like gaslighting. Like if she has sex with you more and you’re still not happy (because you wanted desire), she’s liable to get annoyed because she did what you asked for. But if you make it about desire and tell her not to fake it…..because you’ll know! Now she can’t get off the hook just by taking off her pants.
If she doesn’t desire you, she should just say so….and then you can make your adult decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not.
And if she doesn’t desire you AND doesn’t care how that makes you feel……I’m sorry…..but that’s mean on her part.
Could it get better? Yes. Will it? Unlikely without intentional work toward getting better.
Your drive is not abnormal. Your frustration is common and it can go the other way with a woman wanting it when the man does not. She should not dismiss how you feel and you should not buy into it if she continues to dismiss it.
It is definitely going to get worse with the baby coming. There’s not getting around that. Your going to be exhausted and she is going to get tired of being touched.
Most people do not have a spike in libido after their mid 30s.
As this continues, you’re likely to get more stressed and that’s likely to impact your relationship. You’ll feel less close because of the lack of sex and she’ll feel less close because you’re acting different.
I said intentional work because I believe if you want to save your marriage or at least make sure future you is not trapped and bitter, you need to act now.
Have another talk with her. As her to read or listen to “the sex starved marriage” together or at least at the same time, with times of discussion after chapters. Treat it like a book club. It is presented from both sides of a libido mismatch and can help both sides understand the other.
If she can’t be troubled to do that, I would be very concerned because it is telling you how little your opinion matters on this subject.
If she won’t or that does not help insist on counseling, potentially leading to sex therapy.
Maybe if she hears from a professional where you are headed, it will click.
It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone. Hopefully it works out but I’ll just say, fight and keep fighting until it’s better because if you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll look up in 10 years, bitter and angry, wondering why you wasted time.
She’s newly pregnant and you’re eying other women. You’ve maintained a regular sex life, twice a month isn’t too bad considering all she’s been through, infertility is world-rocking. The fact that you literally made this all about your needs is telling. I don’t see her feelings considered once in this whole diatribe.
So unless you stop making it all about you, I can guarantee it’s gonna get worse. Especially since you’re enjoying the attention of other women while your wife is carrying your very hard fought child. Come ON.
I’ve been married for 19 years and our sex life is great. There have been times when frequency went down due to illness, pregnancy, kids, etc but once a month would be hard for me. We’ve never done it that little. We’re around 3 times per week now at 38 years old with a 5 year old. I think that you know it’s going to get worse because it’s already bad for you. And having kids doesn’t make it easier.
Her attraction to you very well could be the problem, but she may never tell you that. Therapy is a good idea. Just don’t cheat.
That has not been my experience.
Wifey and I where hot and heavy in college.
After college thing slowed down a bit.
Then we had one two three kids.
But now things are better than ever. Sex is more frequent and more enjoyable.
Having fun and experimenting more. Doing fun new things.
I was your wife in my marriage and when we split up I found my sex drive immediately. It was like the fog had been lifted. I remembered that I love sex. I just didn’t want it with my husband. Sorry to say this, but I doubt she finds you attractive anymore. I would have a hard talk and go your separate ways.
Just wait until she gives birth. It will get waaaaaay worse.
Only if you let it
Keeping the romance alive is really what you’re saying and there are a lot of ways to build intimacy beyond just preplanned sex. Why not sprinkle in some other forms of intimacy? Physical touch in any form will connect you more. Have a massage night. Take a bubble bath together. Shower together. Wash her hair for her. Cook together. Feed each other. Make her laugh. Play some new music. Have a dance off in the kitchen. Open the windows. Play a game. Play sexual truth or dare. Don’t be disappointed or make it “a thing” if it doesn’t immediately translate to more sex or if she’s not into it. Relationships ebb and flow, but spicing it up means you gotta try something new. Making a conscious, active effort to fuel more intimate moments with her will almost certainly lead to a better sex life in time.
I dont think the OP thinks “it’s all about himself”. He has needs that aren’t being met and he’s just asking a few questions for reference. Most people notice the opposite sex and are often attracted. So what? That’s no crime. The guy’s not dead and he does have eyes. I love looking at men – young, not old because I’m old too, but that doesn’t mean I have any interest in cheating. I actually think it’s healthy. It’s really hard when libidos don’t match. Makes for tough married life. People start to resent each other and that’s where the trouble starts.
You talk a lot about quantity, but almost nothing about quality. In all the time you’ve been together, has she ever shown a burning, passionate desire for you? Your relationship sounds clinical, like you met, had some early fun/joy then immediately switched to life goals mode. Im concerned that she was never truly attracted to you and instead just wanted to move along her timeline and goals. Im not seeing an ebb and flow in your overall sex life, just a gradual ebb.
Based on all of that, I would say that its unlikely to get better. A kid will mean lots more to do and if she’s shown you that shes ok with deprioritizing sex for her personal goals, thats only likely to get worse.
Honestly, it could possibly get worse before it gets better, especially once a baby arrives. Like others have said be prepared for an ebb and flow over time. My husband and I have never never been on the same page with our libidos, I’m the one who actually wants it more, he’s fine with once a month or even less. It’s honestly became a huge source of resentment at different times in our marriage, but it’s something I’ve always openly discussed with him because I don’t want that frustration coming out in other ways.
She may be keeping your schedule busy in order to avoid sex right now. It’s great that you’re willing to find a therapist to work on a problem together and you definitely sound open to compromise on the frequency, so those are already good ways you’re helping to take pressure off of her. Maybe focus on the little little things that will make her feel desired: reaching for her hand at random times, running your hands up her leg, kissing her neck…things you can do without the expectation of sex.
From what you wrote it sounds like her priority is children, getting pregnant etc and that’s her main focus right now. Could it change in years from now? Sure. For us (me early 30s him late 30s) we were steady at twice a week before I became pregnant in December. We also have a five year old. Since December we’ve only had sex (intercourse) two times, Bj/Hj a handful of times. But not a lot of interaction because I’ve been really sick. I started feeling better last week and I told him I’m ready to have that again and he was basically like no pressure let’s see how it goes
It really depends on each person. I prioritized sex just like I take care of my overall health. Having a child didn’t change that much for my hubby or myself. Even with taking care of a medically frail child who was in/out of hospitals all their life. If anything, I clung to our sex life as a way to connect as well as release pent up stress from caregiving/worry, etc. Again, it’s all up to each person and what they prioritize in their life, how they manage their health, stress, self-care…and other parenting/spousal needs.
It only gets worse Pal.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately it tends to become less and less but its not always from the wife.
Husbands stop wanting it too. It’s not fair at all and it makes me quite upset.
& don’t listen to Redditors saying do more chores etc..blah blah.
I think with a lot of people, or at least for me since I’ve now have a child, he knows I don’t want to break up the family so he just doesn’t try to be
attractive anymore like he did. He also doesn’t want the Intimacy & connection it brings. It was put on hold after baby was born.
But I’ve mentioned it numerous times now that I’m back & ready for action & I want it & him, and he says he ‘understands’ then he’s back to his way. The usual porn, whatever. & I don’t care about that, just pick me first.
& yeah, I could do that too but i only want the real thing. No comparison!
So since everything is ‘good enough’ to stay beside the lacking of sex, I don’t know if I should divorce him ruin the family just for sex, & a lot of others have the same thoughts as I read threw the forum. So, Divorce for sex? When everything else money, his friendship, my deep love for him, our life, the family time, & household flow is going very well?
It’s tough to just divorce for sex.
& That’s a question only you can answer. Would you stay in sexless marriage if it comes to that? Is sex the most important thing?
If your wife stopped altogether? Or if it became once every other month? Once every three months? Once every six months? Once a year or not even that?
Cuz it’ll mess with you. Having no sex. And The gender you desire will distract you quite often when your spouse denies you sex. I find myself looking lustfully at other men quite often actually, & Cheating enters the thought process.
Just push those thoughts out. Redirect yourself.
And being a mother keeps your mind occupied w/other things, I get that. I’m a new mother.
But life is about much more then being a parent all the time. I need adult time too ..everyone needs that.
And unfortunately if the spouse wont change, or changes for a bit, they usually seem to go back to their ways, so your options are..
-divorce
-tough it out
-cheat and be the worst pos in everyone’s eyes if they find out.
-continue with counseling for the rest of your marriage (off & on)
Only you can make that choice and boy is it a difficult one especially when you’ve been together since teen years & have 2 decades under your belt.
I really hope it works out for you.
As someone that had to get pregnant through ivf, it was draining on our sex life. Now that our twins are older and we have more time together again it has gotten a lot better. Don’t give up hope!
Don’t settle!
Yes, yes it will.
Why do they do this?? BEG for this long term commitment / marriage “can I keep you” , “I love you, you’re my ‘person’”. Then when you get it, you turn off the very thing that made the relationship work and turn into the very person we LEFT OUR HOMES AS YOUNG MEN TO GET AWAY FROM!!!
Like, wtf?? Take the one thing that makes this relationship special and turn it into a cudgel to beat us over the head with??
What part of that seems ok to you?? Ladies?? Why am I hanging around for this?? And if the answer is – so you won’t be personally and financially ruined by a vindictive ex and a court system set up with the design of extracting the maximum value possible out of the male party to a dissolved marriage, what do you think that says?? …about you???
She has a low libido for sure. Will get worse. I have a high libido I am a women. We do once a week and we’re in our 50’s.
With her low libido and her attitude then the answer is YES. For my wife and I it just gets better and better as the years go on.
If you two aren’t sexually compatible, then cut your losses now. Don’t be another gross pos man who cheats on his pregnant wife, it’s such a cliché and so pathetic. Just tell her that you’d rather do the honorable thing now bc ….. and I would tell her about the other woman hitting on you. I’ll get downvoted for this, but ppl in committed relationships need to understand that if you’re not taking care of yourself, and screwing your partner on the regular, then someone else will. I know that sucks to hear, but there’s always a thirsty trap just waiting for someone else’s spouse 🤷🏼♀️
Tell her that last line – your crave intimacy with a woman and with her specifically
You’re overthinking it calling it ‘cadence’ – kind of suggests a systemic issue with perceiving your sex life as a task to be measured and optimised. Practice spontaneity, live in the now and stop worrying about tomorrow. I promise you’ll be having sex far more often as a result.
Yes it will. Aging will slow it even more. She has little interest in it and once baby comes, likely none.