I love my wife, and we’ve been together for 7 years, but when things get stressful for her, her communication takes a sharp turn. Commands become rude, and if I voice any concerns, she’ll get defensive and ask, “Is there a problem?” I usually just comply and feel unhappy, and the cycle repeats.
The thing is, such stressful situations are many of every day daily activities and it usually involves our kids (2.5 and 1 year olds). Ranging from having a meal with out children at the table, loading them to the car, tidying up toys, etc. It occurs most often if one of the is crying (either sick, throwing a tantrum, or just fussy). So in short, it happens very often.
Let me give some examples
1. My kids were in the car and one of them was being fussy (though not crying). My wife told me to grab my son’s favorite toy. I said im looking. Note that this was after she had just tidied up the toys so the placements weren’t what i was familiar with. And she kept on saying oh my god it’s on the right why is it so difficult to see you should’ve seen it already. I told her im still trying to look please give me some time. I finally found it and gave it to her. I didn’t say anything after
2. Sometimes i feel like im being interrogated. She used to work in the finance industry and apparently from what i’ve learned, this was the primary communication method. For example, we were on the plane and we were doing ok (kids are either sleeping or playing on the ipad). Then she suddenly asked me “hey the diaper bag’s open” the diaper bag’s was under the seat in front of me. Then i said “oh my bad. Lemme close it”. It didnt stop there. She asked me “why did you forget to close the bag?” I was trying to process this so i didnt respond but in a quick second she asked again “tell me a good reason why you didnt close the bag?” Then i told her i felt disrespected. She then proceeded by saying “you just ruined the whole trip blahblah”.
3. she sometimes gives commands without using any words to soften the request. I estimate about 60% of her requests are like this. i’d understand if it’s part of an instruction (eg “go up, turn left, open this, bla”) but more often than not it’s just an isolated request. For example, “throw this garbage away” then she hands me the gummy bear bag (that my son ate maybe 30 mins before this happened) that was in her pocket. Or “gimme my phone” when both of us are eating at the dinner table and her phone is on the counter. Both of us were equally distant from her phone (so any of us would need to stand up and walk anyway)
She comes from a divorced family, and her mom is narcissistic (my wife also agrees with me on this). Her mom would always criticize, berate, shame, and scold her without any filter. Meanwhile i come from a more normal family (relatively speaking). My parents don’t use criticism as a communication method, but i remember when i was little i used to get punishments (both verbal and physical) if i got bad grades. I still talk to my parents regularly, while my wife has been going low contact with her mom (she doesnt talk to her dad anymore).
We’re in couples counseling, but it’s a slow process, and I feel stuck. I know she’s not trying to hurt me, but I don’t know how to react in the moment without things escalating. If I hold my feelings in, it only leads to more resentment later.
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Here’s what I’d like advice on:
1. When she gives a rude command, is there something I can say to address it respectfully? I want to avoid her feeling attacked, but I also need to stand up for myself.
2. How can I help her manage her stress in a healthier way? I feel like I tiptoe around sometimes, afraid to set off these negative reactions.
3. What have others done in similar situations to protect themselves emotionally while also working towards a better way of communicating as a couple?