I’m 24 years old and my only friend is my boyfriend. And even this relationship has been rocky the past few months. But for the seven years we’ve been together, he’s the only person who hasn’t left my life. Every single friend has come and gone. And not once was I left with an explanation or closure. Never any fights… just completely ghosted. These are people I was “friends” with for years. The fear of abandonment and constant anxiety of “it must be me, something I’m effing up” has really been eating at me lately. It’s in the back of my head during every single encounter I have. I feel unlikable.
Now as for my friend… we met in middle school and were friends for about 13 years. Four years ago, she found out she was pregnant and I was thrilled for her. She was having problems in her relationship and didn’t want anyone knowing she was expecting. No family other than her siblings, mom, and myself. Long story short, we got into a caddy fight over social media and she blocked me on everything. I cried for months dealing with this heartbreak.
Fast forward to when she had the baby. She randomly sent me a picture of him, we made amends, and no real issue (other than me feeling used for money, but that explanation would make this post that much longer)… until recently.
She found out she was pregnant again this past August. Again, I was thrilled for her. She jokingly told me, “if we ever stop talking in this pregnancy, just show up to my house. I can’t stay mad at you.”
Two months later, (and 5 months along her pregnancy), she ASKED me if I think she’d be a terrible person if she terminated her pregnancy. She was fighting with her boyfriend (the father of both). It was a Sunday, she was planning to have an appointment set for Tuesday, and leave with her son halfway across the country by the following weekend. I told her I wouldn’t think she’s a terrible person, but I think she should reevaluate this sporadic decision and don’t really support termination so far along. (Not looking for any debate on this topic, I’m pro choice – but this wasn’t something I could get behind). She ignored my opinion anyway (which is her choice) and even invited me to go out for drinks before she left.
A few days later in between this mess, I went out with my cousin instead (my friend was still pregnant). My cousin left me drunk to hook up with some guy. I sat in my car by myself (with ZERO intention to drive, just no where to go) and at a point, had about 5 guys sitting outside my car “cat-calling” me. I was pissed my cousin left me in this situation, but also scared. So I called my friend. I didn’t want her to come pick me up, I wanted someone to talk to me and she was the only person awake by 2am. All she said was “you make bad decisions.” Hung up the phone on me, and we haven’t spoken since. I believe the “bad decisions” she was referring to was going out with my cousin, which I would agree with. But I didn’t think she was in much of a position to judge the decisions I make, despite me not saying anything like that in the moment.
I don’t know if I was wrong to not reach out after that last interaction. I know she stayed mad for awhile based on things she posted online (the cause of our first argument). But I never wanted to engage so I ignored it. I haven’t been as bothered this time around until a few weeks ago. I’ve debated showing up at her doorstep like she told me to do. But I’m about 90% sure she did end up changing her mind and having the baby. If so, she’s probably caring for a newborn and a toddler.
What should I do? Reach out? Show up? Or cut my losses and accept another failed friendship?