I (f 23) have a serious problem leaving my flatmate (m 25) depite everyone/-thing saying I should

I wrote numerous posts about him at this point (most of them deleted out of fear he might find them one day), but what the hell, here we go again.

I have a seriously unhealthy relationship with my flatmate at this point. We used to be besties since about 5,5 years ago, went to Uni together, had a great time, constantly visited each other in our student accommodation rooms etc.

We decided to rent an apartment together in our home city back in September. Things were great, the apartment is absolutely amazing, everything seemed perfect. Back then I also started to create my own business, a process I’m still working on and which stresses me out incredibly. I don’t have much money (I’m part of a program that helps with the business and gives me a small amount of money, also work another job 2 days of the week). Hence, I don’t have much money to burn and should focus on that. My friend has a stable job and really high income, so he doesn’t face the same difficulties.

It started in November, when I realized I was falling for him. He had a fwb and I knew it would only create problems, so I decided to tell him, since we were friends for so long and I thought it best to work through this together. In hindsight, I know it wasn’t a good idea but I really had no bad intentions and thought it would help me to get over him to hear a clear “no” and move on emotionally. There was never anything romantic between us, so I genuinely thought we could just leave it at that and be our usual friendly selves.

Well, he kinda blew up on me, told me stuff like being thankful that he was my friend, that I shouldn’t talk to his friends (which were technically also my friends) when they came over and shouldn’t just “join” them (despite them asking me to), how he actually didn’t care anyways, how I should get my own friends, how I shouldn’t disturb his bubble etc. Basically, he shattered my self worth completely and I really took these things to heat. I felt like an absolute burden and nuicance. Again, I fully know I made him uncomfortable by talking about my feelings, but I honestly never expected such words from him.

So, fast forward 7 months, I still haven’t worked through these things. I tried talking to him numerous times, he basically always told me how I took things too seriously, should just “forget” them, essentially how I was just imagining things. That’s what I also told myself in turn, which only made me feel shittier. He also often nags me, makes me feel bad for not being interested in dating any guys, for not

Due to my current financial situation I often have to resort to drink non-alcoholic beverages (which I prefer anyways) or opt out of vacations my friends take together, my flatmate says that’s why people don’t invite me often. At the same time he says I’m such an interesting conversationist, which is why he wants me to make more friends. He doesn’t understand that both my worklife and social life are so incredibly taxing that I physically CANNOT meet new people currently. I never had problems in the past (if I wanted to) but right now I just need to rebuild some sort of comfort zone – and my circle of friends doesn’t provide it, which makes it even worse.

I told him about two weeks ago how lonely I felt, and how my current stress and lack of self-worth lead to serious problems in connecting with other people and how I felt left out when he had (our) friends over and made it a point to only talk about upcoming events in which I wouldn’t be involved in. He seemed really understanding, thought he also criticized me for not “going out of my comfort zone” (what comfort zone?).

One week later he went with our friends to a pub down the road just a few steps away from our apartment. Nobody told me. I could live with that but the next day he knocked on my door to TELL me how amazing and nice it was, how casual and randomly people dropped by (people which i knew as well). Yeah, that was my breaking point. I realized that our communication simply doesn’t work.

I’m at a point where I realize that we really aren’t compatible as flatmates with our current situations. It’s horrible timing as a few days ago his fwb/open relationship also ended, so now he’s resenting me for taking away another constant in his life. He says, I’m only imagining these things (how he’s excluding me from get-togethers, how he simply din’t think of inviting me…) I get it, I even feel bad about it, but I really, really cannot continue like this. I’ve been crying myself to sleep since February and there are days I’m scared of seeing him or talking to him, because I’m afraid of what he will say to me, of what he will criticise. I know I’m taking the “victim” role and I hate it, but my body locks up and I really can’t do anything anymore except constant worrying.

My mother and her boyfriend are incredibly understanding and would provide me with a new apartment (he already rents it, but is essentially never there), this would even mean lessening my financial burden as I know they believe in me and my business and would let me live free of charge if things were really dire (which I’m not planning on doing, but it is a form of security I didn’t have in the past months). I was already there, it’s small but nice and in a really nice neighbourhood too. Realistically, it wouldn’t be hard to visit any of my friends or even invite someone if I wanted to. Yet my brain constantly says “Yeah, no, you will meet nobody oif you don’t live with him, they only like him not you.” It’s absolutely dumb, I know that. We already met friends together after my decision, they were incredibly supportive and understanding.

My flatmate took the news as expected, he kinda understands it (or tries to), but is also like “Yeah, not sure we gonna be friends anymore, we’ll see.” Which, fair enough, but also seems weird considering we were friends long before the whole apartment thing happened. He also says I can move out tomorrow if I want but I need to continue paying rent, which makes me worry he’s in no hurry to find a new flatmate. I still have such belly aches, it’s killing me, I can’t think clearly. I’m so scared he will hate me.

When I’m sitting in my room I think “Well, it’s actually really nice here”, try to ignore my flatmate or only face him when we’re both in a really good mood and am tempted to just continue as is. I am so incredibly scared nothing will change (with the same constant stomach ache and fear) but also worried that as soon as I have my own stable income everything will be easier in my head and I will regret ever moving out. I am afraid I won’t see our shared friends anymore (especially people who were his friends first), I’m almost shitting myself when thinking of all his possible reactions when he realized I need to take some of the furniture I provided with me again.

I will miss the small, nice moments we had. We had tons of plans for movies, series, games we could play together, arts and crafts projects… However, a small voice in my head tells me “If he wanted to watch those things with you, hea already would have, right?”, and reallisticaly, yes, I had a lot of time and he always prefered to go out drinking or meet his fwb. I still can’t stop thinking about those plans, the ideas, everything.

Heck, while writing this post, he knocked on my door to watch a funny video with me, like in the olden days. As soon as he left the room I felt like shit again, for leaving him, for making things hard for him.

Oh god, I really need some input here.

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Tl;dr – I really want/need to move out but my head is playing games on me and I’m in constant self-doubt, and I cannot concentrate.

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Edit: I restored my old posts, so anyone who’s REALLY bored and wants to know all the nitty-gritty details about my relationship with the flatmate can read up on those.