Any advice on books on forgiveness.
I (M44) discovered that my gf (F47) of 2 years has been cheating on me for the better part of the first year of our relationship. I discovered a bunch of text messages on her phone from a dating app where she is sexting complete strangers ( I counted at least 30 men), meeting them at parks after work and having casal sex.
Most of these men were married, had girlfriends, or interested in FWB. I confronted my gf and after much denial and swearing up and down it wasnt true, she admitted to having sex with 7-10 people only after I showed her on her own phone all the messages I discovered. The messages are graphic in detail and I was in complete disbelief that she could talk as nasty as she had been. In many of these messages she was meeting up with people after only a day of being matched.
Our relationship is as unhealthy as it gets. I’ve lost respect for her and remind her everyday of her cheating. With her permission, I have even installed cameras at her home to monitor her phone activities. I constantly ask about her previous sexual encounters (with the guys she cheated on me with), and I tell her all the time how much it continues to bug me that she was unfaithful to me and able to pull off all this cheating under my nose. During our last argument, she seemed to think the only reason I wasn’t cheating was because I couldn’t “score” with women.
We are currently in therapy, but I can’t seem to forgive. I don’t trust anything she says. Mainly because she would never had come clean about all this had i not made the discovery. She looked me in the eye and told me I was imagining all this.
Our therapist said that she can’t help me with forgiveness because that’s something that I need to figure out on my own. I don’t feel like therapy seems to be doing much of anything and after the past few sessions we end up arguing after our therapy. After only a few sessions, our therapist concluded that my gf is addicted to sex and that I must like being cheated on or I wouldnt have stuck around.
I am asking for help with books on forgiveness or advice. Can the relationship be saved?
TL; DR: seeking advice on forgiveness after discovering my gf cheated on me with multiple people for the first year of our two year relationship.
10 comments
Dude, this isn’t a relationship, it’s a dumpster fire. Of course it’s impossible to convince yourself to forgive and trust her, because she’s never going to be trustworthy. This is who she is. Even your therapist is telling you that she’s never going to be a faithful, stable partner.
Your girlfriend is over twice your age, clearly doesn’t respect you, and has absolutely no accountability to her actions. I will agree with your girlfriend here and echo that it seems like you are operating from a place of scarcity, otherwise you wouldn’t be tolerating this treatment. I will also echo what your therapist said and assume in some capacity you enjoy / feel like you deserve being mistreated because you stay.
Forgiveness is for you, not for her, and not for your relationship. This relationship, as you have said, is unhealthy as it gets and not salvageable. I bet if you leave you will be able to forgive yourself fairly easy for staying. I would suggest you get an individual therapist because this is not as simple as learning how to forgive. From the outside looking in it appears you need to work on self worth, boundaries, fear, and fawning. Let your EX girlfriend work on forgiving herself. Good luck.
Honestly bro I would run away! This is not how you want to be living that is no fun. She’s too sooo much to hurt you and I’m not sure how your putting up with it. You are a warrior my friend but you can forgive but do not allow her in your life. Be happy she taught you something that now you’ll apply in the future when looking for a new relationship but don’t ever think about going back to her please..
You don’t, cheating is red line crossing. Not sure why you are with someone twice your age as that in itself is a red flag. but regardless even if she was your same age I would say the same thing. Zero tolerance policy. Once trust is broken there is nothing left, its is not a broken egg you can ever glue back together.
Leave.
So I know “love knows no bounds”, but I always have to ask how someone ends up with another person twice their age. I just can’t see two people that far apart being on the same page with major life decisions and where they’re at currently.
I don’t mean to judge, I’m legit curious. Also I’m sure you’re aware of the statistics of how often these turn into very abusive relationships and fall apart.
Please leave and stop trying to monitor her phone or actions. She is not worth your time, energy, health, therapy, or wellbeing. Please take care of yourself and cut all contact.
Forgiveness is a spectrum. You don’t have to ever forgive fully.
Why do you want to forgive her? If your relationship is as unhealthy as it gets, then get out. You can’t take a shitty relationship and turn it into a diamond and you are wasting your time even trying.
I am looking for a good relationship
DUDE, you gotta go! Why would you even fathom at this point trying to work things out? She put your health at risk with possible stds. Hell, you could have herpes and not even know it yet! Or HIV….have you been tested for anything? Bluntly put, she is a liar, a cheat and a self righteous thrill seeker who doesnt give a flying fuck about you or your safety. I dont care if youre in your 40’s and your scared of not finding someone else. You cant live in this misery anymore. The rest of your life, you will be a disaster of a man. Time to clean house brother.