everyone keeps saying, you have to love yourself first before anything else. self love! self love! self love!
what does that exactly. mean? how do u know you are loving yourself?
sometimes social media insinuates treating yourself to something. food. a trip. etc. is that just it? that seems superficial though. so how? đ
26 comments
Loving yourself is a tough concept. To me it is more about accepting who you are and knowing what you want in life.
If you attach your self worth and love to superficial items like food and travel then you will never love yourself, only yourself with those things.
To me, loving yourself means accepting, knowing and being comfortable with yourself. The things you listed, I think, are closer to self care.
Self love is loving yourself through and through- speaking kind words to your own soul and knowing enough about yourself to set standards and boundaries.
So my therapist talks a lot about this…maybe try this exercise
Look in the mirror and tell your reflection that you like you. Then try saying that you love you.
Is that easy? Does it feel genuine and sincere? If not, then you may have some issues to work on, do you dislike something about yourself that you can improve or can accept?
What changes can you make in your life that will let you freely and easily say that aloud and mean it?
This is a tough one to answer. In terms of how it relates to dating, I see loving yourself as a barometer of what you will put up with before walking away. Loving yourself is where the bar lies. If someone is acting in a way that doesn’t enhance your life, or make it better, you walk. When you love yourself YOU know your worth. You know that just because something didn’t work out with someone, it’s not the end of the line, and you’ll be alright to be alone until what DOES enhance your life comes around. You’re happy enough with yourself that you don’t NEED a relationship.
I take loving yourself as continuing to live a life you love and to do things that make you feel fulfilled regardless of relationship status. I try to not put off my goals even though I would rather do them with a partner. I still hike, I still treat myself to good meals alone, I am even looking for a house by myself-something that I thought I would put off till I found someone that I wanted to do life with. it will look different for everyone but the main point is to live a life you love as best you can.
I didnât really know until I met someone who didnât love himself. I was going to go on a date with this guy, but decided not to, because he was super insecure, and always texted me stuff like, âyouâre the only good thing I have in my life,â and âIâm a failure at everything, and I hope we work out so I wonât be a total failure.â This was quite a lot for someone Iâd maybe talked to for a week, and never met! I felt if I met him, he would drag me down to that level, so I called off the date.
Still working on understanding this myself. (I’ve never hated myself, but apparently that’s not the same thing?)
One thing I read recently that kinda clicked for me was: “the part of you that is angry about how people have treated you in the past, is the part that loves you the most.”
This stood out to me because I have problems identifying and enforcing my own boundaries and as a result I have gotten treated like crap by friends and romantic partners. So the part of me that’s angry about being treated like crap is the part that wants what’s best for me, and knows that I deserve to be treated well. I’m trying to listen to that voice more often now.
Idk if this is what you’re struggling with, but I hope someone in this thread says something that helps.
Always continually working, improving, accepting, and loving yourself.
I agree with everyone else. Doing trips and foods and what not are more self care. Self love is a little difficult concept at first. It was for me at least.
I do daily affirmations, write in a journal, and sometimes meditate. I am more kind to myself, even if I make a stupid decision. If I donât feel like I look great today, then I will look in the mirror and compliment something that I do like about myself no matter what. Iâm still working on it every day.
Loving yourself isn’t always pretty. You have to 1. Know yourself. Lot of introspection. 2. Do what is best for yourself. 3. Fully accept yourself for who you are.
I came to place where I basically just have this internal drive to become happy. If I feel unhappy, then I look at my life and try to figure out how to get happy. I WANT to be happy more than anything. I want to be calm and safe and loved.
I see so many people who basically just mistreats themselves. They donât think they are worth anything basically. If they donât think they are worth their own effort, how are they gonna accept kindness from someone else? And are they actually open to someone being lowing towards them, or would it make them feel uneasy?
So basically try to choose happiness for yourself. For me it took a few years of therapy to even allow myself to crave it. Now I totally think Iâm worth it, and thatâs probably because I love myself đ
i donât think itâs so much loving yourself as it is being yourself⊠not compromising your values, hobbies, and passions for another person⊠not letting people cross your boundaries and not letting people manipulate you
Every time someone does you wrong, you have an opportunity to forgive them, right? To wipe the slate clean, to not hold grudges. Loving yourself is like forgiving yourself, not for wrongdoing, but for those aspects that you donât like about yourself.
When you were a child, you might have heard a parent or teacher tell you to âeat your vegetables, because theyâre good for you.â You ate your vegetables, even if you might not have liked the taste of broccoli. Loving yourself is gently, kindly striving for the things that are âgood for you,â regardless of whether you like it or not. Recognize which things are âgood,â and nurture your will to do good for yourself. Take your foot off the gas when you sense you are doing something âbad for you,â and forgive yourself for having done so.
I would say self-love involves: 1. awareness of how you think about yourself and talk to yourself and making an effort to have positive self-talk and self-regard, 2. acknowledgement and acceptance of your own emotions – even (especially) negative ones – you can let yourself feel your emotions w/o trying to escape through drinking and distractions like tv/internet, etc, 3. self-care like eating well, exercise, good hygiene and general cleanliness or yourself and space.
Treating yourself is also good! But I don’t think it’s at the core. Fancy dinners and trips alone are maybe more like self-romance đ
This is something I struggled with until I had a lightbulb moment while watching a talk with Liz Gilbert (look, the woman is wise and I won’t back down about that)… The reason it’s important and why it works is this — if you start treating yourself well, it sets an internal standard that you become accustomed to, so that when you are dating (or interacting with others in really any setting), the moment someone is a jerk or unkind, or putting in low-effort, your brain notices it and goes, ‘Wait. I don’t like this. I don’t need this.’
Imagine it this way. Say you won a contest where you stayed at a luxury villa for a month. Someplace really fancy where all your needs are met to the highest standards, the food is delicious, everything is clean and orderly, etc. Now imagine getting used to this lifestyle and then having to go back out into reality. Suddenly, you’d look around and be like, ‘Oh, a lot of stuff really sucks.’ Our brains seek contrast and comparison. Same with treating yourself well and loving yourself. When you become accustomed to treating yourself well, suddenly you have zero tolerance for anything else. This is how healthy people avoid abusive relationships. They’ve been trained to avoid people and things that do not feel good.
Acknowledging and accepting your ‘humanness’. This includes flaws, past mistakes, crooked toes, failed attempts, etc etc.
Appreciate yourself for trying. You’re gonna have bad dates. You’re not gonna be smooth all the time. You’ll never say all the right things.
Give yourself a break. Doing this whole ‘life’ thing can be hard in a lot of ways. Nobody pulls it off flawlessly, and you won’t either, and that’s okay. (In fact, it’s more than okay, as there’s beauty in the variety of paths we can take.)
What helped me understand this concept is to think of someone you love a lot (parent, grandparent, significant other, best friend) and think of how you treat them. Then apply it to yourself.
Vibrator.
No seriously though, in DBT I guess the self soothing skills would work towards loving yourself. Basically try to treat yourself the way a mom would treat a baby she loved. Give yourself baths. Cook comfort food for yourself. Tell yourself how awesome you are. Be proud of your achievements and even put things you did up on the fridge. Take yourself to soccer games or whatever activity makes you happy. Be there for yourself when things get hard. Idk, but at least in my head it helps to have an imaginary nurturing character in my head that can tell me everything’s gonna be OK.
To me it’s not a one size fits all answer.
It’s learning to accept yourself for who you are in the moment. Not when you loose weight, not when your skin is clear, not when you are more outgoing. Right now
It’s also doing the things you love. Dressing how you want, taking classes in subjects you’re interested in, watching movies you like, eating foods you love, getting messages, nails done etc. What ever you enjoy
But it’s also the hard work. Confronting your own negative narrative, confronting you own Bs excuses, therapy if it is needed, giving up bad habits, working on your finances. The hard work that makes you grow as a person
All of this equals self love to me
To me: loving yourself means honoring your boundaries, prioritizing your happiness, and nurturing your positive traits enough that they may grow. Youâre able to recognize your value, worth, and purpose and you live with integrity to honor those qualities justly. Itâs less about spoiling yourself, and more about having a clear understanding of why youâre lovable. You can articulate it to others, and youâre more likely to cut yourself some slack when inside your head than cut yourself down. You live with humility to recognize youâre not perfect, but you have pride about the person you are.
Love yourself? Very important concept! It is different to everybody. I personally think it means I am okay in my own skin. I think it is also tied to self-esteem, or how I feel about myself as a human being. If you feel bad, or are going through a tumultuous time in your life, that shows. You can’t hide as it shows in your body language and speech as well.
How do you know you are loving yourself? Can you forgive yourself when you make a mistake or do you beat the shit out of yourself when mistakes happen and never give yourself grace? If you can forgive yourself, and have compassion on yourself, and then others by extension, I believe this is a sign you are actually loving yourself; if nothing else, you are being quite honest with yourself, which is good.
Social media (like Facebook or articles you might read about psychology) does not have all the answers. I think this post has a lot of good comments on self love and some good stuff to consider. Just my .02.
Be the person you always wanted to be. Loving yourself is an extremely intentional decision followed up by a series of repeatable actions.
Sounds simple, but getting to become that person will look different than you imagined — daily habits, discipline, tradeoffs, decisions, planning. That’s all a part of it. If you never thought about it, start there.
Often times if people donât love themselves they put others before their own basic needs and have weak boundaries. Self love = self worth. Without self worth you canât have a truly healthy relationship with someone else. With self worth comes more understanding of what YOU need from a relationship. It helps you declare your deal breakers and set healthy boundaries.. youâre less likely to put up with someoneâs bull shit and less likely to be taken advantage of.. because you know that keeping these boundaries and following through with them will weed out the bad people or the people who expect their WANTS to be more important than your NEEDS. This is what Iâve learned in my journey anyway.
For me, I understood it to mean that you need to understand yourself. Reflect on what makes you who you are, good and bad, and then you have to accept it. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on yourself, but can’t hide those parts of yourself that you don’t like.
If you can’t accept all parts of who you are, then how could anyone else? If you hide part of yourself from them, they can’t truly accept or love you.
This is one of the other McMindfulness type of concepts. And it is super easy to get high on the idea and become selfish and isolate yourself, or worse be a jerk to everyone else around you – in the name of self-love and needs. Now that i have criticized the idea, here’s my interpretation of what it means.
The way I see it is be aware of what your needs are. Identify what’s missing in your life. What is something you want – level of emotional compatibility that will feel comfortable to you, level of intimacy that will feel comfortable with, what are your intangible or tangible needs, and be compassionate with yourself in how much you can put out there. Really dial in those boundaries. Now, that you have it. Find a way to clearly communicate that to the world WHERE AND WHEN NECESSARY. That last bit is key to healthy implementation of self-love. We are social animals and don’t exist in a void of just being.
I think it’s bullshit. I did not love myself for a long time, and I still deserved to be loved, and I was lucky enough to have it happen. Without that love (from friends and partners), I wouldn’t have been able to make it through to the side of self love.
It’s just another pop psychology cliche that puts the onus on people who have suffered abuse and/or been traumatized.