This honestly feels super awkward and even cringy to talk about, but I don’t really know how to get a girlfriend. Even just typing that makes me sound like a socially inept goblin, but this is just something that’s been bothering me for a while now.
I’ll do a bit of explaining first to give some background. When I was in high school, I never really tried to get a girlfriend. I found girls attractive, but ultimately I had low self esteem and figured that I was an ugly dude who had no shot at getting a girlfriend, so I didn’t bother. Plus I’m pretty sure my parents were heavily against the idea of me trying to push relationships in high school, and obviously most people on the internet say high school relationships fizzle out and aren’t really worth it, so I didn’t bother. After graduating high school, I ended up attending my local university, which I absolutely despised both academically and socially. Instead of trying to enjoy my time in uni, making friends, getting into a relationship, or doing anything fun, I spent all of my freshman and sophomore years working hard so that I could build a strong transfer application to go to a different school.
I managed to transfer into a really prestigious university during my junior year, but I got accepted around the time COVID hit the US, so much of my junior year was spent not really interacting with other students. Finally, during my senior year, all classes were held in-person, so I got to make a ton of friends. This was also the first year that I actually tried getting into a relationship, but it felt impossible. Most of the friends that I made at my new school are girls, and most of them have been in a relationship since freshman year of college, and some even continued from high school, long before I ever joined. Any other girls that I asked out were either not looking for a relationship, or just weren’t interested in me. I didn’t want to maintain friendships with anyone who I had expressed some sort of interest in because it felt awkward, so I just left em behind and chose not to continue talking. I asked out maybe a dozen or so girls, but no real luck. I kinda understood it though because nobody really knew me (being a transfer student kinda sucks) and it was really the only year I had to even make friends or interact with my campus community.
Fast forward to now. I’m 22 years old, I graduated from university, and I have a tech job in New York City. In several aspects, my life has been going pretty well, but I still feel bad about not being in a relationship. It’s actually been hurting me even more the past few months because I sort of had a “mini-relationship” with my friend’s younger sister (my friend is in her late 20’s and her younger sister is only a few months older than me) who I met during a Thanksgiving dinner. We had talked for essentially a month, and she was the person I actually had my first kiss with and lost my virginity to. It felt really nice because I felt cared about, I had wonderful conversations, and it was a sense of closeness and intimacy that I never experienced before, and it felt amazing. However, my dumb ogre brain didn’t put the pieces together, as she had just recently went through a breakup when we first met (her ex cheated on her apparently), and I was essentially just a temporary rebound so that she could feel cared for in an intimate way. We haven’t spoken in nearly half a year, and she hasn’t responded to any messages I sent her, such as wishing her on her birthday, telling her that I turned 22, or even congratulating her on graduating. I still think about it now, and it crushes me to be honest.
I feel even worse now because I’m out of college, which seems to be the easiest way to find a relationship in the first place. Now that I have to navigate my way through the real world, I have no idea how I’ll actually get to meet people and find a relationship in the first place. I feel like I’ve improved myself in a bunch of ways since my low self-esteem high school days. I regularly exercise and am pretty physically fit. I’m a pretty charismatic guy, and can make people laugh without a problem. Many of my friends have described me as one of the nicest guys they’ve ever met, and people generally like talking to me because I’m willing to listen and a lot of people just like my voice (lol). However, I don’t know how on earth I actually translate any of this into actually getting into a relationship. Dating apps seem scary because I feel like everyone has different expectations, and every time I’ve seen girls use dating apps were at parties in order to create a catfish account and bait guys >\_> That’s not even mentioning the fact that I just don’t like taking pictures of myself, and I purged all of my social media after high school, so I basically have no social media either. As much as I want to have a girlfriend, and as much as I want for it to come naturally without even really thinking about it, I’m already busy enough trying to navigate my life alone with little support as I make my foray into the real world. I feel this weird void in my heart ever since my first “experience”, and seeing people holding hands around campus this past semester crushed me because I wished that I too could confide in someone. It almost feels like something is wrong with me, and I just want to feel loved in the same way that all of my friends can say about a special someone.
Sorry for the incoherent rambling, this stuff has really just been bothering me, and I needed to get it off my chest. Any advice is appreciated : )
TL;DR – I am 22 years old and just graduated from university. I have never been in a relationship before. I have no idea how to get a girlfriend. I have tried for like a year now, but have been unsuccessful. I had an “experience” with a girl that lasted a month, and it made me feel even emptier, and seeing other people in happy relationships makes me feel like I’ve been smacked in the face with a 10 pound dumbbell. Now that I’m out of an environment where I’m surrounded by people my age, and now that I’m a new city working full time, I have no idea how to actually get a girlfriend, or find someone who might be interested in me.
10 comments
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Don’t worry, you will arrive at 32 and still not knowing how to get a girlfriend.
Oh wait, I should have helped you…sorry, too late lol
Honestly, it sounds like the last thing you need right now is to focus on getting a girlfriend. Hear me out; you’ve just got out of uni – which congrats, btw! – and I presume are starting your new career in a new city. You should focus on building the foundation for the rest of your life. Take a few months to learn the ins and outs of your job, explore your new city, take up new hobbies, TRAVEL, work on your fitness… you get the idea.
Dude, you quite literally have the world in the palm of your hands. I say this as someone who – for reasons – didn’t get to fully enjoy the freedom of being single and young. Please take some time to just live life a bit; travel, meet new people, take up hobbies, figure out the person you want to be. HAVE FUN! It is never to late to learn how to date and all that, but I promise you that if you rush into a relationship before you’ve truly lived, you’re gonna kick yourself later on. I can’t tell you how many times when I was married – unhappily – I would wish that I had taken more time to just be single, really get good at my job, and live life on my own terms.
And I’ll tell you something; not everyone at 22 has any clue how to get a girlfriend. The two relationships I’d had by the time I was 22 happened by chance. I had no idea wtf I was doing with women, and it’s only now in my mid-30s that I finally figured out how to get a woman interested in me. Please… enjoy your youth and the freedom it entails. Cause before you know it you might be married with kids and a mortgage, and you’ll regret not having enjoyed this time in your life more. Good luck, man.
It’s simple, just go back to school for a PhD. I’m sure you’d have such a great time!
Seriously though, I feel you. I’m 22 as well and in the same situation. But one thing I learned is that friends can help you meet new people. Even if your female friends are all taken, they’ll probably know someone who isn’t. And being your friends, they likely won’t introduce you to someone who’s absolutely not compatible with you.
But if you don’t have some good friends yet because you moved recently, and you want to start dating right now, I’m afraid you’ll have to put yourself out there in ways you might find uncomfortable at first. Dating apps are not perfect and not for everybody, but maybe you can find something that works out for you. Maybe Hinge? I don’t know, I’m not from the US, but I’ve heard it’s not that bad. I’m telling you to try because that is what I’m considering to do when I also move out this year. I hate taking pictures and social media as well, but you have to think about the bigger… picture (heh) sometimes.
Or you could also put yourself out there physically. Go to social events and meet people there. I’m sure there are many opportunities to do that in NY. Sure, you’ll have to face the prospect of being rejected again, but that’s the price to pay. If you don’t accept it, you’ll never stop being sad and lonely. Now, if only I could follow my own advice maybe I’d be here with a success story to show you finding happiness with another person is possible even if you don’t have much experience… But unfortunately, that’s not the case. I can only tell you what I’d do, and hope I won’t make things even worse.
And most importantly, always remember you shouldn’t feel bad for not being in a relationship. I’ve done that for years and it led nowhere. Just this afternoon I saw a young couple at the movies and it made me feel like shit. But you have to try and stop those thoughts from getting the better of you. They certainly won’t help you find a girlfriend, because people who are not at peace with themselves are not very attractive. You can only keep trying and hoping for the best, or take some time for yourself and get back on the dating scene when you’re in a better headspace.
Sorry for the long-ass answer. Your story has many things in common with mine, so I had a lot to say. I suggest you listen to what more experienced people have to tell you before following my advice. As I said, I don’t have much of a clue either. Wish you the best of luck!
It’s not your fault. Healthy relationship maintenance isn’t taught.
First: Healthy relationships are based on open and honest communication between mature consenting adults who treat each other with respect and share common interests and compatible life goals.
So you need to focus on the honesty, openness, communication, and maturity. Don’t do or pressure anyone past their boundaries, and learn their boundaries.
Once you find someone who is also mature, open, honest, and respectful, you’ll be able to learn about them to see if you have common interests.
If you both find that you have compatible life goals, then the relationship can possibly become long term or even permanent. If not, you might just remain friends or choose to separate depending on the situation.
If people are not respectful, mature, and honest, then ghost them.
I wish you the best!
Bro just be happy you lost you v-card and got your first kiss. If you can do it once you can do it again. Just keep working on your confidence and getting girls will get easier. You’re honesty doing great bro
Female here but way older (nearly 30) you sound really sweet and smart. It’s a really really good sign that a lot of your friends are girls – that means, to me, you’re likeable and know how to hold a conversation. I really think it’s just a numbers game for you. I would try online dating or joining something like a run club. I have absolutely no doubts that you’ll meet someone but idk how long it will take. I think as long as you put yourself out there regularly, as soon as a few months to at most 1-2 years you’ll find someone.
Again you sound really nice so make sure you like them! Think about the qualities you want and need in a partner. You’ll probably have at least a few relationships in your life, but from experience I can tell you it’s 1 million times better to be single than in a bad relationship. Trust your gut!
>people on the internet say high school relationships fizzle out and aren’t really worth it
You really need to accept the fact that you will HAVE to have a lot of fizzling out relationships in order to be able to make an informed decision on the person you want to spend your life with/have a family with. You can’t just pick on woman at age 30 as your first relationship and expect that to be good. Nothing you do for the first time achieves any kind of perfection. Relationships are no different.
>Now that I’m out of an environment where I’m surrounded by people my age, and now that I’m a new city working full time, I have no idea how to actually get a girlfriend, or find someone who might be interested in me.
You are in New York City, you ARE surrounded by people your age. Use online dating, you seem to be able to work well: educated, good job, looking fit, good at conversations -> you will get likes and you will be able to translate them into dates. Just take anything you can and get your feet wet. No need to look for a bride right now. You are learning how to date and how to relationship in this phase of your life.
Welcome to adulthood. No need to even read this lengthy post about a very boring and common problem.
Don’t learn on here. 15 min on this sub and the gaslighting lol