Haven’t found an exact question about this. I’ll try not to ramble too much.
So I’ll get incredibly embarassed when friends talk about sex and then start including me. They’re just being nice and are involving me, but I can’t be open with them. Can’t look anyone in the eye for a while after and I withdraw from the conversation due to the discomfort and blushing (if you can blush with dark skin).
Then, when others find something as simple as an educational book on sex I’m reading, I’ll get really embarrassed. On my own, I’ll be reading all the fanfic I want and spicy audio books. I’m completely fine in my head but I can’t quite share that with others.
I know my mother discouraged these sort of things and even showed disgust for them growing up and I do have some trauma involving an older guy when I was younger. I’m still a virgin still but concerned I may shut down or feel overwhelmed with embarrassment if I did have the opportunity to lose my virginity the way I want.
My question is how do I get past this?