You may see my post history in r/ breakup with this girl to understand why I ended my relationship agreement with her. Sorry this will be long.
Yesterday she (Meg) came over my place late at night completely drunk and berated me for being an asshole for the way I left her, reluctantly I let her in and let her just air out her grievances, I really thought someone was going to call the cops by the way she yelled at me. At some point she just told she is tired of her life and all the men who have failed her, per my previous post she has said her dad and his friends SA’d her growing up and she has been a self proclaimed misandrist since then. She also abused a lot of drugs, alcohol and antidepressants over the years to cope with this. Meg then added no guy ever loved her for her and only wanted her for sex and never treated her with any respect which I understand in a certain degree.
I just listened and in the end, all I could ask Meg was what she wanted from me but what I got from her is that she wanted me to know the real her and give her a second chance. It felt like she was unloading years of pent up hatred and rage but in the end I just sat beside against the wall and comforted her. When she asked me if she is still too broken for me,I didn’t answer but wrapped my arms around her shoulders not knowing what to tell her.
After a while Meg calmed down and but was now slurring her words so I told her to take the guest bedroom to rest for the night and I will make her some green tea which we both quietly drank, she finally calmed down and just laid on my shoulders, she then decided to go to my backyard to smoke one of those herbal cigarettes while staring blankly at me, I was a bit disturbed by that blank look she was giving me so when I finally went to her if there is anything else I could get her, she just threw her arms around me for a hug and tell her that I really like her, the real her. My guard was up so I told her I did like her then but I am not sure she can expect me to be her emotional punching bag like this.
She refused to let me go and told me she really likes me and when she ditched me the other day, she was self sabotaging herself because the arrangement we had seemed like we will never last and it was scary for her to be vulnerable to me. She feels like once she opens up and falls for me even deeper, I would hurt her like every guy has done. I asked her that these masks we have put for ourselves did show that we may end up hurting each other hence why I never thought it would have worked in a long term, she deserves someone who genuinely wants something with her to build on and not just use her.
Meg asked if I was willing to be that guy for her and I asked what happens when things start to become too real for us and our broken selves decide to hurt each other because we both think we don’t deserve genuine love and care. I am not in the capacity to emotional with her like a real relationship, at least not yet. She told me she will take what she can get from me and to please take what she can offer for now. There was a brief moment of silence as the words ceased to nothing, she wants to experience something genuine with me and I can tell this was her being vulnerable which I responded with a slight brush on her face, she pressed her face against my palms and that’s when it happened, we kissed, it felt foreign for a while because all the defense mechanism in my body was on red alert but when she broke the kiss when realizing me pulling back from the kiss, she whimpered a soft please…like it was almost begging to not pull away from her.
I finally dropped my guard down and kissed her back this time and it ended up becoming something more, next thing I know she was removing my shirt and when I asked her if she was sure about this, she groaned a bit playfully and told me to not make her beg me again. Soon enough we were on my bed and while she was slightly hesitant to undress in front me of me due to the scars she had, this time I begged her to please let me show how much I want her. What followed yesterday night was what I imagined making love was like, I can still smell the liquor and cigarette smoke from her breath but the moment she was looking at me with this weird adoration on my eyes it sort of send a strange warmth to my chest, something I have only experienced once in my lifetime with the women I have slept with. In the middle, tears was coming off from my eyes and I was hit with a panic and slowed down because I feared I triggered some negative experience on her end and I wanted to brace myself for her to tell me to get off her but when Meg realized I was looking at her with worry, she just shaked her head and told me please not stop, she is just feeling connected to me right now. I decided to just follow her rhythm and by the time we are done, it felt like a small blissful moment has covered us.
We both fell asleep almost immediate because it was around 2 a.m at the time and when I woke up in the morning and I realized she was not in bed, I felt my heart sank cos my brain was already telling me I am an idiot to think she actually wanted this. Turned out she was just using the second bathroom downstairs when I went down instead of the bathroom in my room and she looked embarrassed when she came out with her phone in hand and I noticed she turned on the ventilator fan for that bathroom, I just chuckled and went to the kitchen to make coffee which she went back in the bathroom to spray my air freshener.
Meg came back after a while with one of my hoodies and asked if she can borrow it, I said sure and just gave her cup of coffee. We drank in silence again, the moment turned awkward again as we both didn’t know what to say to each other but she came closer to me and told me yesterday was something she wants to experience with me again, it was nice. I asked her if she was sure because she did say there will be no intimacy back during our relationship agreement and I guess my word kind of hurt her cos she pulled back and told me if last night was a one time thing she understands, I could sense she was pulling back so I held her back and told her we can try again, the relationship agreement we had previously seems void now and I told her that if she really means what she said last night cos I don’t want to put hope into something there isn’t there, I guess she sensed my guards were starting to come back up so she silenced me with a kiss.
I kissed her back and for the first time I think that moment was something I felt emotionally open to her, I asked her what her plans are this week and she gave me a funny look, she shook her head and said she wanted to see me tonight, there is no more going to be once a week date night like we previously agreed on. I told Meg I was open to that and she said I better be lol. She told she wants to call in sick to work today but she has something in the office to settle and she wants me to pick her up after work which I said sure.
She left around late morning and it felt different, her cold demeanor was there when she was on the phone with her colleagues but the moment she put down her phone and was getting ready to head back home, she was smiling and telling me that she doesn’t want to leave. I told her I have to log in for work as well shortly and she just nodded but she told me she would give me time to process this change as she will need some time to do so as well. I told her we will talk tonight which she agreed but she just hugged me one more time before leaving that she really likes me and wants me in her life and that we will work on our issues together, I joked if she still hates men and she says she still does just not me.
After she left though, it was when the anxiety and coldness crept back in, my brain once the serotonin fog slowly dissipated became like hell again for me, I looked back in the mirror and all I can imagine is my reflection telling me she will not come back and I was stupid for sleeping with her after falling for her words last night. It was like I was at war within myself. I got a text from her during lunch time telling me to pick her up today at 5:30 which I just replied with a thumbs up but I can’t help but to think when I go and pick her up, she will suddenly cancel on me and tell me last night was a mistake and to never reach out to her again. Honestly I hate feeling like this but this sensation of being vulnerable is making my own body attack me. Anyways I will need to face it if it’s bad or good so I will do it and embrace what’s to come today.
TL;DR: Girl I ended my relationship agreement with last week, came back and poured her heart out, we connected and slept together and now I am feeling like crap because I keep thinking last night was a mistake and she doesn’t actually want me.