Hello, I am a university student. Since coming to uni, my already poor social skills have gotten way worse.
I was lucky enough to have two friends from my childhood I kept up with over internet start uni with me, but one quickly dropped contact after they made new friends, and the other one, while they still hang out with me, which I am very grateful for, has also made a whole new group of friends. When I ask them how they managed this, they say that it just sort of happened to them.
I’m happy that my friends are doing well, but this does not bode well for me. I am terrified of other people, have been for a long time. Never made new friends in high school because of it. But it’s getting way way worse now than it used to be. Being around groups of people my age now makes me nervous to the point of tearing up or almost puking at times. I have become more and more reclusive because of this, and have also started to resent others because of it, which is not fair to them at all. I just find myself being really negative towards other people in my head now when they don’t deserve it at all, and I can’t bring myself to look anyone in the eyes for more than a second. If this is the trend that my life continues on, I cannot earnestly say that I think it’ll be worth living. Deep down I love people. I think connections with others are in theory one of the most fulfilling aspects of life. But in practice the concept is so foreign to me now that I have trouble thinking of myself as a person.
While I’m embarrassed to admit this, I often use the military way of getting to sleep fast by thinking of a relaxing scene, and for me that used to be simply eating or hanging out with friends that didn’t exist. Now I can’t even sleep right because I imagine things like that and just get myself depressed. That’s the whole reason I’m up writing instead of sleeping.
So what am I left with? My waking life is miserable, my dreams make me miserable, I’m on a spiral of becoming a worse person, which makes me more reclusive, which in turn makes me a worse person. If my last friend leaves soon I won’t blame them.
I’m sorry for dumping all this here. I just don’t have anywhere to get all this out. I’m so lonely.