We have been together for 24 years and married for the past 18. My wife always used to complain and nag, but I took it in stride. My sister, my brother nor my mom can’t stand her, and they hold their tounge when coming for the holidays. However my wife is pure USA American, and my family is from Greece, so the values of a female in a relationship are a bid different between the two regions.
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My wife complains about me doing the dishes, so I do the dishes, once I do the dishes the dishes are either not done correctly or not put away correctly or anything else that she finds wrong she will just point out and start talking about it. So I tell her, that if she wants it perfect then maybe she should start doing the dishes (She doesn’t cook, I do)? She then goes into a tirade and attempts to flip it onto me how I am inattentive in putting away the dishes, that she is tired from a long work (we both work), that I’ve done this half assed and I should try harder. She might then offer to do the dishes, but when the time comes, she never does.
At the beginning those type of events were few in between, but now they have grown to be basically constant. I think she just hates me.
Additionally, we have a toddler and the toddler loves playing with me, always asking to play with me, so I play with her, but because of that I don’t have much time to clean around the house. What my wife is doing at that time? According to her she is teleworking on her computer while watching a show for entertainment. But whenever, I walk by I see her shopping on amazon….she does do her work so I can’t fault her there. So, unless I clean the house, the house doesn’t get cleaned. However, when I do clean the house, I do it wrong, somehow. She doesn’t see that her own kid doesn’t want to play with her, the kid would rather play with me all the time since mom is always on the sofa.
She also has a very good ability to twist every argument around to make it seem like it’s my fault and the more she talks the more it looks like it’s indeed my fault, that indeed I wasn’t as attentive in cleaning this or that, yes, I could have devoted more energy and time to make it perfect. So, in the end I walk away feeling that what I did was indeed wrong, and she was right.
Also, if I point out anything to her for her to do or that she is wrong about it, an argument will ensue, or she will start explaining for the next 3 hours about something that could have been done in 5 minutes.
Finally, it appears that anything bad that happens at work is not her fault, she always finds someone or something to blame.
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I haven’t been told a praise for anything I have done in a very very long time.
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I do not want to leave because I do love her and I don’t want to leave the kiddo without a father, nor would I hate seeing another man raising my kid but I am slowly going nuts.
5 comments
You need to tell her how you feel about this in a very calm, non-confrontational manner. Tell her you will be glad to discuss her feelings about what you’re saying, but you want to be able to fully present your feelings, and you need her to listen. Once you have been able to tell her how you’re feeling about what’s happening, you should be willing to listen to her response. Remaining calm and not letting emotion get involved is important. Include the fact that you love her, your marriage, your child and that you are willing to work on things, but you also want her to recognize how this habit of hers is not sustainable for you.
USA Wife here… No, it is not normal for someone to act like a complete B all of the time.
I would tell her that if she doesn’t like the way you clean, that she can do it all herself.
What’s she going to do? Nag more? You’re already used to that.
As a wife, it is not normal at all, she sounds abusive in how she handles it.
Not a solution to that, but could you afford a cleaner? Sometimes it’s worth the money, if you cut back on other expenses like takeaways.
This requires an entirely new novel approach and a lot of courage. You are dealing with a pattern that is well established bad mostly unconscious & entrenched and way past “discussion”
1. you could start replying to her tirades with a tirade of your own (practice beforehand)
2. you could fake asthma each time she gets going and hold your chest
3. you can start pounding on the counter uncontrollably (it’s a physical reaction that suddenly occurred -I’ll have to talk to my doctor about it)
4. absent that, you will have to tune her out/not reply/carry on/decide how you can creatively carry this burden.
5. Wishing you the best, really.
She sounds like a covert narcissist. Not a diagnosis. Just an observation.