TL;DR
Hey guys! I’ve been in a relationship for 1 year and a half and it’s been an absolute joy for the most part. Apart from a few setbacks but we’ve sorted through them and we get along very well and are in general, very compatible.
However, I seem to have a problem with myself. I don’t really know how to behave when I’m upset. I’m very self aware so Im very mindful that I do not yell and I do not ramble on senselessly or blame, however, when my partner does or says something which upsets me in that moment, I tend to stop talking as it triggers negative emotions but this isn’t a manipulative tactic, this is genuinely just so I don’t say something rude or ramble on and on as I prefer to talk about things when I am calmer. I also don’t like to be touched in moods like this, however I have let my partner know that this is only because I am upset and is not a way to hurt them at all. I’ve always wanted to not be touched when upset. However, I do talk to them about the problem when I am calmer but it just seems to worry them a lot when I am in these moods and I do not know what to do as I genuinely just need to think and calm down when I’m like this and don’t want to ignore my mood and act like everything’s ok.
I guess I’m only asking this as a lot of people have said this behaviour is toxic but I really have no intent to hurt them, I just need time to calm down and think through my feelings and the root of this is just so I don’t hurt them if I was to say something whilst triggered. Is there any other way I could behave when feeling this way?
Many thanks 🙂
4 comments
Nothing wrong with keeping yourself calm… your communication is what’s important.
Of course. I am very calm when I communicate, as I try to not raise my voice. I would much rather stop talking for like 5-10 minutes to collect my thoughts than start blaming and shouting. But I don’t understand how so many people view it as toxic, even abuse sometimes. I just can tell my partner can tell when I’m sad and they look visible upset when I’m upset and start asking me what’s wrong. When this happens I just breathe and start explaining or I I’ll tell them I’ll talk to them later.
For example, I planned a day trip to a city a week before and was very excited to go with them. They were all on board for it. When we get to the coach station they tell me they don’t want to go anymore because they don’t want to travel for an hour and a half…I was obviously upset by this, I just said okay and I was quite for 10 minutes as we walked around town. They tried holding my hand but I just kindly told them I don’t want to right now. Then after 10 minutes I explained why I was upset. It kinda just goes like that.
I think this is very reasonable. I am all for communication as soon as possible, but sometimes you need a break to gather your thoughts. I feel the same from time to time, and I don’t think that can be considered silent treatment. You are aware of a weakness you have and take measures to control it and communicate with your partner in a healthy way. But I understand this can be agonizing for your partner too. If they feel bothered by it, sit down and discuss how conflict resolution can realistically work for the two of you. But if they’re fine with it it doesn’t really matter what other people say. As long as it works for you and keeps the relationship happy.
This is a tough one. Maybe explain to your partner that when you get upset you need to gather your emotions and thoughts. Maybe you can say, “Hey i am very upset and have to cool off before we discuss.” or sometimes I may take a walk. That way I don’t say something I will regret.