TW: SA
I (23F) have now just realized I might have a problem. I have been having sex since I was 17, started in a puppy love relationship that satisfied me plenty but then we broke up and hell broke loose. I started to fuck anything that had a pulse. That’s probably when sex started to become either a given for me or something I owed the other person just because they were there. I have lost count of the times I stared at the wall fake-moaning and thinking about literally anything else while the other person did their thing.
I thought I would grow out of it, but it’s been years since then and sometimes I will, mostly while drunk, agree to anything, even when I truly don’t want to do it. I feel my brain disassociate and I have sex on autopilot.
These realizations have come to me very recently and I can feel myself fill with self-hatred. I feel extremely broken. Always taking one for the team, even when I don’t even know or like the other person. I was SAed when I was 18, I’m starting to think maybe I allowed it to happen simply because I wasn’t stern enough when showing I did not give my consent.
I don’t know what to do. I am hypersexual when I’m with someone I have an actual emotional connection with, and I like being that way, but I want to stop letting other people just have their way with me.
This has been going on for years so I know it’s gonna take work, but I am desperate, I don’t know how to say no and stand my ground. I need help.