I had a recent experience that gave me something like a mid-life crisis
some background: as far as I remember I was always on the more melancholic side. My teens were spent as a shut-in playing video-games because I never had a lot of friends and I was very anxious at any social setting.
It was only in my 20s once I got an internship and my anxiety started to really act out that I understood that I needed help. After 8 or so years of therapy and meds things started to finally took a turn. Started going to the gym, got a gf, got a job, and even after most of those things fell apart (we broke up after 4 years, I lost my job) I still had in me a vitality that was severely lacking previously
I never stopped looking for a job and, even though it took a while, I finally got one in the middle of last yearthings were looking up again
but then something completely shattered me:
I went to high-school reunion, something I would’ve definitely avoided before for several reasons (HS wasn’t a happy time for me, surprise, surprise) and I saw the girl I had crush on during those years. With this new confidence that I had, I finally took the courage and asked her out and she said yes!
I was over the moon!
but when we started talking about our lives after HS, my heart sunk. She had done incredible things with her life: she traveled the world, lived in england, india, thailand, dated people from all over the world, had lots of friends and a good job
And I compared it with my life: still living with my dad, have few friends and even less relationships and in a job that is soul crushing. I felt like shit, like I couldn’t compete
I tried not letting it show, but that deeply hurt me (not that I’m blaming her in anyway, it’s just how I felt)
things between us didn’t worked out for some other reasons, but the pain remais
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It feels like everyone spent their teens and twenties going to parties, doing drugs, having lots of sex and traveling all over the place, while I was (am) stuck in place
what have I done with my life? all those years, my youth, wasted!
now there’s a part of me that want’s to live life to the fullest, but without really knowing how and afraid of losing what little I have if I just throw caution to the wind and end up making more mistakes
and another part that says I should just end it now because what’s the point?
I really need some guidance, I don’t know what to do and my depression is back in full force now