Hi all,
Apologies if this is not the appropriate thread!
There’s alot more to this question then just the title. Also just to note I had an operation about 8 hours ago so please excuse any dodgy spelling or grammar!
So my fella (37M) and I (34F) have been together just over 2 years. Our sex life has always been a bit of a sore point, although we have had periods where it’s been good so it’s not a complete dead bedroom. I’m definitely a HL person and my partner is currently low LB. 90% of the time it’s me who initiates and at least hals I don’t even get to climax, so ir can be a bit one sided too. I have spoke to him about it a few times and he is willing to look into ways of improving our sex life but he can also be quite awkward and shy about it for 37yo bloke. I respect that this is related to the shitty cards he was dealt so I try to be as patient as possible, although I struggle to understand fully because I think so differently. I cant help but wonder if we are just sexually incompatible sometimes though.
This is thing though, my partner has been to hell and back more than once. He is one of those people who’s life story is so filled with trauma and sadness it’s almost unbelievable, but alas, it is all true. That’s why I’m still here and most of the time I am okay with the fact my sexual needs are not being met. He was extremely hurt by a long term partner and has said his libido hasn’t been the same since (I’m not concerned he’s still attached to that person at all fyi, was a long time ago and he had already had an extremely traumatic life at that point so think it was just the nail in the coffin).
He fulfills me in many other ways and although sex is extremely important so are the other things. I’m also a very patient and an emotionally strong person, my dad is bipolar and God knows what else but I’ve been through some shit with him and I’ve experienced alot of loss and grief too. It’s not been an easy ride falling in love with someone who has had so much trauma, but I’m a nurturer and I tend to see the good people. We are growing together and building a life.
It’s only since we’ve met really that he’s even started working through his trauma, he’s been in survival mode his entire life and not even known. We’ve had therapy together and individually and we intend to get more when we can afford it, so he is absolutely willing to try and improve our situation and work through the emotional weight he’s been bearing for so long. He’s also in the process of ADHD diagnosis (our therapist and the mental health nurse have said they’ll be very surprised if he doesn’t have ADHD), so that’s another factor that could affect his sex drive. One more factor is that he’s used alot of cocaine through the years, he was a functioning addict when we met (I know that kills libido but was hoping it’s not permanent). He’s now 6 months clean and in a considerably better mental state. We also realised its highly possible he has been self medicating the ADHD all this time.
So yeah there is a big mix of of factors going on here, have realised how complex.our situation is actually through writing this.
I hope continuing to be patient and support him is a hopeful option.
Sorry for the essay! Thanks if you made this far. Would love to hear any options, insights or relatable stories x
TL;DR! Has anyone’s libido improved after working through emotional trauma? Or is this a lost cause?