Hey there! Okay, so 16 days ago my (F30) now ex boyfriend (M31) of 14 months came over as if we were going on a date and surprised me with a breakup that was, from my perspective, totally unexpected and out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea that he had been having any trepidations about our relationship whatsoever. His behavior towards me had not changed at all and he never brought up any issues for us to communicate through leading up to this.
Anyway, he does and always has had a guard up and a certain level of emotional unavailability. I have known this. When we met, I also had a guard up and a certain level of emotional unavailability. About two months into the relationship, I was coming up on my 30th birthday and made a major commitment to myself to carry out extensive personal healing work. I am now in the best shape I have literally ever been in mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I almost laughed when he said he wanted to breakup with me because I’m so much more “a real person” “a catch” “wife material” whatever you want to call it than ever before. I had fallen in love with him but this breakup was so different for me because when he said he didn’t want to be together, there was a part of my brain like, laughing, like “no worries, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” like I for the first time in a breakup did not at all even question for a second whether or not his inability to acknowledge and receive my value as a partner was a reflection of my value as a partner. I know my value as a partner. I felt sad for him, honestly, because I think he basically tripped out and self sabotaged. But at the same time, I was happy for me that my self esteem is in such a better place where if someone says they don’t want to be with me I actually feel less attracted to them and not at all inspired to beg or convince someone to stay with me. I also wasn’t mean to him! I was respectful. I spoke up for my own feelings about it without criticizing him. I told him I’d respect his decision. And I told him I hope he will do the work he needs to do to heal so that he can have the love he wants. I understand that I cannot choose to do the healing work for someone else and that he isn’t willing to do the work at this point in time and so it is a mismatch at this moment. The situation may ultimately be as simple as that.
Also of possible importance: he said he wanted to feel like he felt when he was in love at 22. This is where we differ. I do not prioritize that feeling in a long term relationship as it is well studied that those feelings of “in love” and infatuation do not last. I am interested in a deep, intentional, nurtured and nourished mature long lasting love. I declined to let him know of the studies on this and the books I’ve read about it because I knew he would not be able to hear it from me. But when he said that I realized there is a huge disparity between how someone chasing a feeling will evaluate a relationship and partner and how someone who studies how to achieve the goal of building and nurturing a long term love and partnership will evaluate a relationship and a partner. Again, at least at this point in time, this was a revealing element clearly contributing to this current state of mismatch we’ve found ourselves in.
I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling my feelings, crying when I need to cry, etc. I’ve been very intentional and respectful towards myself in this process of getting through the breakup without repressing, numbing, or distracting myself in ways that are unhealthy for me or others. I went no contact and have stuck with it.
But now— the reason I’m here… I have this feeling in my bones that I’m in this waiting game. Has anyone ever experienced this? What am I waiting for? There’s almost this feeling for me that he’s going to pop back up. BUT while that feeling exists I’m a believer at taking people at face value so I’m not hedging any bets on it. Also, there’s no way I’d renter into a relationship with him without a very sincere and soulful apology, acknowledgement of changes being made and that will be made on his end, and a therapist or some other kind of more formal wise counsel entering the picture in my ex’s life. I think we can all agree it would be dumb of me to just be like “yay okay let’s try again” without any major, structured efforts for healing taking place on his end.
It was a good relationship. It was a consistent and encouraging relationship. We had great chemistry in many areas. It was a grounding force in my life. He is a good man. He has healing to do. I would be open to him again in the right circumstances. But I can’t wait on him. Also, he rejected me so I’m not going to try to initiate something again myself. And I kind of feel like if I don’t get back out there and start meeting new people soon, I’m going to keep feeling like I’m low key waiting on him.
So my questions are: have you had experience with this feeling of being in a “waiting game” and what was that about? How long do you think you need to wait before re-entering the dating world? If I’m serious about finding a long term partner, would someone else who is serious about finding that find it to be a red flag that I’m ready to meet new people after two weeks? What’s a more reasonable time frame? Or would it depend on how I presented myself and my situation? I do miss my ex but I also accept he simply does not want me in his life and I want to have a great long term relationship. I don’t really like waiting to put myself back out there but I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun by succumbing to a desire to go ahead and download the apps and put myself back out there. Really any and all insight on this is welcome. I do feel like I have a full life and I don’t need to be in a relationship. But I do enjoy being in one. Just trying to noodle this all through and proceed intentionally. Thanks so much!