I know how jealousy and envy have always been seen as negative or bad or toxic, and although people are acknowledging that it is natural to feel it is the envious/jealous seems to be shamed or told to work on themselves for the sake of friendship like “be happy for your friend” “you’re just insecure” “don’t drop friendship just because you’re jealous” or “be inspired”. On the other hand, those who are envied are encouraged to drop or distance from those friends who seem to envy them. I am aware where that is coming from because envy/jealousy does or can lead to toxic behavior therefore it wouldn’t be safe for the envied in some cases. But at the same time i know people have the capability to want to be envied as well because i recognize i had that desire during my elementary years and that allowed me to see what could possibly be the opposite of being envious and i think we cover that part of ourselves sometimes but of course this is just another perspective and it is still important to focus on oneself, but i think acknowledging this would allow people to make choices that are win-win on both sides even if that means parting ways without “obvious toxic happenings”.
I am all for working on oneself and the quoted lines mentioned aren’t directly said to me but in my attempt to work on myself and understand and try to overcome how i feel through researching and keeping things to myself, most of what i’ve found tells that narrative and i feel hopeless and feel like i need to endure those feelings to keep the friendship. I don’t want to focus my whole life on checking if im no longer jealous or not in this friendship.
I’m self aware when it comes to my feelings of envy and tried to overcome it internally while i stayed in the friendship before. Now we are still on good terms but i have distanced and limited my interactions with them. However, whenever there’s invite i feel anxious and cautious and feel hesitant saying yes because exposure makes me feel afraid that i’d be in that loop again like before.
Note: my friend is generally a good friend and outgoing and popular and i am aware that most of this is my insecurity and that’s what makes it hard for me to walk away because nothing is “obviously toxic” but i feel unhealthy and hyperfocused on her and i don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to focus on my life and myself. I’ve never acted on this envious feelings but this is going for far too long and i’ve had enough feeling that it’s only my insecurities at play here when it came out of the friendship. Also, sometimes i feel she’s trying to one up me in a subtle nice way.
Insightful advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.