Tl;dr – he texted his ex gf that he still had feelings for her 2 months after we started dating and said it was just a part of a plan he had with his friends to get back at her and make her fall in love with me again and then dump her later for all the things she put him through.
My (22f) boyfriend(23m) have been dating for 4 years. We were serious from the day we started dating.
He was in my country for 3 months (during his summer break) when we met and we started dating when he was here.
He had to leave for the US after his break ended so we were in a LDR.
He had a girlfriend there and he had broken up with her before coming to my country cause he felt the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t talk to her for the entire time he was here and when we started dating.
He left his phone in my car yesterday and I wasn’t sure about the timeline of him breaking up with her and when we started dating so I decided to go through it (I know I shouldn’t have please don’t come at me for this) I found messages of them where he was talking to her as if they were still dating and he had a nightmare once and he messaged her immediately saying “can you come to my dorm I need a hug”
I knew they were friends but I never knew about this.
She didn’t respond the way someone would if they were in a relationship and his reply was “I don’t know why I still have feelings for you”
I confronted him yesterday and he said “i wanted to get back at her and my friends were involved in the plan (they made this “plan” after he went to the US), I was pretending that I still liked her so she would fall in love with me again and then I would break up with her and tell her I have a girlfriend, goodbye”
I have no idea what to do and what to think.
He had a nightmare once and he texted me and he texted her saying can you come over and this is when he told her “you can’t be there for me and i don’t know why I have feelings for you” and everything.
My response was when you have a nightmare you don’t think about making someone fall in love with you and later dump them, you think about how to feel better after the nightmare and you go to the people you like.
There were a lot of “can you come over” and “can I come over” and “do you want to meet here” and “do you want to get lunch/dinner”. He said barely any of those plans worked out and even if they did hang out it was with a group of friends.
He says he hated her then (for things she did to him) that’s why he wanted to get back at her and now when he looks back at it was such a petty thing to do and that I mean the world to him and he introduced to my family and never introduced her cause she was never “the one” and that I am the one.
He said the plan didn’t work out and he stopped talking to her in 4 months of this.
She called him on his bday (which was when he was here with me) and he didn’t reply to her messages and nor did he pick up the phone.
He told her his grandpa passed away the day after his bday that’s why he couldn’t talk to her after 3-4 months of them talking and he says this is proof that none of it was true (his grandpa did not pass away then)
He said if he wanted to continue the relationship he would’ve talked to her throughout his summer break and when she sent him a bday message.
I really need advice right now.
He means a lot to me.
All this is really fucking up my brain.
He says it’s way in the past and it never held any value (cause it was him being petty) and is willing to do anything to win my trust.
3 comments
Who knows if he was lying or not? But some things don’t add up.
1. He broke up because “the relationship wasn’t going anywhere with her”. If he broke up with her for such a neutral reason, why would he be so vindictive to try to get et revenge??
2. If you trust his story, and he is so petty, what would happen if he gets upset with you? Will he be this petty and vindictive with you??
3. If he was lying, and was still flirting with her months into the relationship, is this someone you can trust to be faithful in a relationship??
Sorry, but even though he says you are the one for him, based on his actions I wonder if he is the one for you. The big issue is trust, which it seems he has lost. This is essential for a strong relationship. So what could be done to regain trust in this relationship? Only you can decide if you can ever fully trust him again. If there is none, then it would be better to leave him now.
Edit: you went through his phone which is a breach of trust. He will be mad at that also.
>He said the plan didn’t work out and he stopped talking to her in 4 months of this.
Whoa. FOUR MONTHS of halfassedly trying to fuck with his ex? That’s… nuts. Especially since he was already with you at this time.
There are two options here: Either your boyfriend is lying to you or he’s not.
If he’s lying to you, wellllll, then you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
If he’s being honest, that’s… still bad. Four months of obsessively stalking his ex just to fuck with her? Why? Also… what does that say about him as a person? There’s a vindictiveness there that is, frankly, quite unattractive.
Also…
He said he broke up with her because the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. But now he says he did this to her because he hated her for what she did to him? Which one is it?
There are just a ton of little lies in here. So many inconsistencies. You’re not getting the full truth, even now when it should be “cards on the table” time.
It’s a four year relationship, so I get why you’re not just going to dump him immediately. You should keep digging, I guess, to get to whatever ugly shit he’s working so hard to cover up. Once you have an accurate picture of what actually went down and where his head was actually at… then you can figure out whether this relationship is worth salvaging.
At best, he’s a shitty and immature person. At worst, he was still not over her and would have cheated on you with her instantly given the opportunity.