To preface I (19 gay) have always seen sex as a bit of a nuisance- simply something to get over with so you can go back to doing work. However, that changed when I met my boyfriend (20 bi). We are very happy in all parts of our relationship, but are facing some issues with overthinking and sex. I would be fine with never having sex again or having it every month, because I don’t really gain anything from it besides making him happy and feeling good. The cons outweigh the pros oftentimes in my head because I generally find sex gross. Here’s where it gets tricky, I get very into my “bottom” mindset of wanting to please him so I never say no to teasing or sex because it doesn’t cause any difference whether we do or don’t. The issue is that he’s hypersexual and has never had a partner before (I haven’t either- we were both virgins prior to last month). He enjoys sex a lot but gets in his head about ruining our dates. I caused this by telling him that I wanted a date that was no sex or teasing, and he didn’t until the end of the date where we were cuddling and he got worked up cuz he was teasing for fun and wrestling which quickly turned into sexual teasing. I didn’t even think to say no because I did want it cuz I love him and enjoy sex just as much as hand-holding or cuddling because they’re one and the same for me. He’s very new to being in a gay relationship and also being in a pretty standard top/bottom/dom/sub dynamic in the bedroom. I get in my head feeling used even though it’s consensual and I enjoy it, because it’s not like we should have sex every single date (which for reference is like 3-4 times a month). He feels like he’s ruining our dates because he’s asked and I’ve asked to have just a nice romantic date but then he’s the one who starts teasing and that quickly devolves. We’re both autistic and have a hard time with understanding our needs and limits. I’m worried about him because our relationship feels sound inside and out (8 1/2 months currently and no arguments so far because of clear communication), but he’s pushing himself unintentionally by following his physical needs and ignoring his mental ones. I don’t want to block off sex but I’m worried it may be necessary while he figures out how to balance romance and sex to ensure he doesn’t hurt himself long term through not allowing himself aftercare or following every sexual impulse even though we didn’t necessarily want to fuck for that date (even if we were fine in the moment, afterwards we both just feel guilty and like horny teens or something).
Is there any advice any older gay hypersexual couples can give?