Hello everyone, sorry if it’s a longer post, I just need advice on my situation, what I could possibly do to improve, and what my problem could be. I’m sorry if any of this seems like an overreaction, I never really saw mental health or any of that stuff as a huge deal but it’s affecting those around me so I’d rather find out what I can do. Thank you! So I was with this woman for over two years, she was into me and we got together and in my mind we were doing great together. Moving in this summer and everything. Problem is, she saw everything a lot differently than I did, and for good reason too. Honestly to put it simply, I have no idea what’s wrong with me, or what even could be the problem, but I’ll try to explain what I know. There were days where we’d argue which is normal, and there were days where I’d simply get mad at her for absolutely no reason. Like We could have absolutely done nothing but the instant and inconvenience happened I’d try to find a way to blame either her or my parents or really anyone extremely close to me. She was the easiest target as I was most comfortable with her. The largest problem with this is that I never had a recollection of any of these events, like I’d wake up the next morning with nothing. There were nights were apparently (with text evidence) I’d absolutely insult her and just be a complete asshole either in person or over text just attacking her, sometimes due to an argument or even absolutely no reason. When I’d have these episodes I’d usually remember the day, except without the bad parts. An example is a concert we went to. Someone mentioned it over a year after it happened and I talked about how it was amazing and we had a great time and what happened there yet she would have an absolute different perspective, saying we apparently argued the entire time etc. This was one of very many instances. The thing is sometimes I would remember bits if I was reminded of them soon afterwards like the day after etc. but if she decided to just sweep it under the rug or just not tell me about it, I’d not remember a thing. It wasn’t until after we broke up, me being extremely confused on why it was so random, that I remembered some of these instances and I’ve been feeling more and more like an asshole, which obviously I was. The thing is, I technically broke up with her? And it wasn’t my first time doing that apparently. There had been times where I’d blocked her and told her we’re done, a lot of times yet I’d always apologize soon after and we’d continue. I’d remember sometimes and other times Not. I remembered the last time I did it since it was her last straw, and she rightfully upheld the separation. This has hit me like an absolute truck. It’s been over a month and I think of her day and night, I even dream of her when I’m asleep, yet every day I remember more and more of what I did to her. I could never blame her for upholding the separation, especially realizing how she was treated. To think that In my mind we were perfect and about to move in together, yet that’s what she was putting up with. And I could never improve, how can I improve if I never even know. She’s forgive me just for the same thing to happen a couple of weeks later. What’s crazy is I had another one of those “episodes” After the breakup by 2 weeks, yet I remembered this one because I had nobody to take it out on. It was more overwhelming because She wasn’t there to insult or be angry over, which obviously also made me realize what I’d been doing all this time. And I’d see the screenshots of texts she had. While she was texting “let me come over and help you calm down” I was insulting her every flaw or insecurity. That’s insane, I had always the idea that I was an amazing boyfriend. I’d buy her everything, drive her places, cook her food, make sure she was safe etc. in my mind I was doing fine but that was the furthest from the truth. I used to wake up every day wondering why she was showing less passion, when my love for her was so rampant not knowing what I was really doing to her. I’ve always had extreme love for her, to this day I feel like I’d do absolutely anything for her love yet I was the very thing that diminished her flame? And I could never change because I could never know. I am haunted by things I’ll never remember. What terrifies me most is what else could I have possibly done to push her so far. This woman was extremely obsessed our entire relationship, start to finish, what did I possibly do. And that’s the scariest part. I’ll never know.