Hi I’m a FA(30W) I wanna believe im on my way to being a secure. But last night, a news was brought up to me; it was that my ex is engaged. I feel so anxious now .
Avoidant phase
I spend 5 years of my life with this person I was extremely avoidant with him, when we argue I would leave the house and he would get so anxious about me and told me he couldn’t trust me and that was the reason he was doubting us getting married thinking I would always walk out on him “when shit hits the fan” I started to work a little with him and if I got mad I would still shut down and leave to another room where he would follow me and try to talk about what was bothering me but all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. After 5 years of trying to do things he would ask, such as getting a different job, going back to school, putting him as a priority, I felt like I was never good enough for him and a week before his sister wedding we got in a huge argument (we were living together) I just started packing my stuff was getting ready to leave to my parents house, I think at that moment things became real that the next wedding could be us and the huge fight made me feel like I won’t have independence anymore and that I would always have to cater to him. Somehow he convinced him to stay and resolve the issue on our trip to his sister wedding. So I did but on the trip, I felt so anxious by his family asking when we will get married and how many kids we want and all I could think was like I’m not sure that I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him. When we came back from the trip I told him I was missing my parents and I wanted to stay at their house, a week went by and I finally broke things up with him.
Avoidant as a single person
I felt a big relief, like I got my freedom back but I felt so bad for him. I try to keep things as friends for the next 6 months he was doing a lot of chasing and I kept pushing him away and finally when he stopped, I began to miss him so I started to text, hoping he would get the hint that I was interested in talking then just one day I asked him if he would go to the movies with me and he agreed and told me how much he misses me but from other people I found out that he was dating someone so I told him sorry to hear you miss me but you have a girlfriend and I need to respect that.
Fearful anxious phase
But soon after he kept doing the chasing again and I of course was pushing away I think I was pushing him away because 1. I started seeing someone 2. He had a girlfriend 3. I had a fear of having the same cycle. I got in a car accident where it got me to seek him for emotional support. Became very anxious at the moment where all I wanted was to be with him and no one else. Although I had already started seeing someone I didn’t want to share my emotions with him. (I didn’t know it than but he’s a BIG Avoidant man) one day my ex told me he couldn’t keep seeing me because his girlfriend was suspecting things and he kissed me and things escalated all because I wanted the validation from him and for him not to leave me. I knew it wasn’t right for her or for the person I was seeing so I DM her asking her to forgive me for crossing that boundary and I told my ex I send that message to her and he became angry with me told me to get lost and to never reach out to him. I didn’t but he would continually look into my IG story (my profile was on public) he would continue to text me and tell me how much he wishes I wouldn’t have told his gf about us.
FA phase
I continued to see this the other guy and confessed to him what I had gone through and I think I was telling him because I wanted things to end and if I painted myself as a horrible person so he would just ghost me or end things and I would be okay with that. But he showed me a lot of support and started to love bomb me. But then when I asked him what was going on between us he said the typical DA answer, “I’m too busy with work and you have a lot going on. I don’t think it’s a right time for a relationship and if relationship is what you want from me I suggest, you date someone else because I can’t give you that.” So I did, I didnt reach out to him for 2 months.
Message him and asked if I could come over that I just didn’t want to home. We hooked up and told me he didn’t want to lead me on and I said don’t worry you didn’t but thanks for tonight. After that We probably talked like once or twice a month for the next three months(I mean like text message)it was a lot of sub flirting between us .
Wanna say secure attachment
Last message I send him was after thanksgiving and I was so busy with school, work, friends and my big 30th birthday party that didn’t realize that the whole month went by, the week of my birthday party he asked to hang out to celebrate so my answer was a little dismissive “I can’t I’m super busy but thank you” didn’t answer after that but I then message him to help me with my math homework. That’s when the ball started rolling, he would continually keep looking for me, send random memes, I began to ask myself why is he doing this.
Dating a Strong DA
He got me a present right before Valentine’s Day. I think that was his way of trying to see me or tell me something. I was out with friends had too much wine and texted him to see if I could pick up my present. Told me he was out with friends but he could get me an Uber to his location and I agree. I met his friends for the first time and I felt extremely honor. We played some board games together then when it was time to go I left with him, my drunk ass had no filter and told him, “you know from the beginning I always liked you, I just get confuse by your message and you getting me a present now. What is this ? If im here to just hook up with you, please leave me, let me sober up and I’ll go home.” He answer with “I like you too and I want more but I’m not good at expressing my feelings but that’s why I helped with your homework, let you met my friends and got you this present.”
Secure /FA
It’s been two almost three months since that conversation and we seen eachother 4 times. I’m not complaining, I enjoy every moment I spend with him. I put myself in his shoes, his ex was his fiancé. And she cheated on him. I wouldn’t be able to trust another female but he does want the same as me and that is to love someone. He has done a lot of work. Started therapy, he’s been responding to all my messages, he been a little more affection with me in public. But with the news of my ex getting engaged I fear that I would never get there and I will waste 5 more years of my life, that he will not see how much I’m trying and if my anxious attachment comes out again, that he will leave me. Or that my avoidance side will be triggered and avoid talking about real things about our relationship