Myself (30F) and my husband (29M) are having issues when it comes to sex. We have been married for 5 years. I have zero sex drive since about a year and a half into our marriage. The first year and a half, he was the one who didn’t have a sex drive – from what I now know was a bad porn addiction. He’s been working on it.
Ever since I stopped, he started and we have rarely lined up. There was a time where I was getting my sex drive back – but only when I would take an edible or drink alcohol. I haven’t drank alcohol in nearly 3 years and I stopped THC after I got pregnant. I had a very rough pregnancy and a traumatic birth which resulted in a severe separation of my pelvic muscles and bones. I am still recovering (our child is 13 months).
There is a ton of background I won’t get into because it’s lengthy. Ultimately, I need to figure out how to fix it. I never think about sex. I have rarely ever enjoyed physical touch (in any sort of way, even before him). I have no desire and feel like I could go the rest of my life without it. I know he will ask for a divorce if I don’t figure it out. I’ve gotten my hormones checked and there is nothing wrong there. Between my child being with me 24/7 (bed sharing), cooking/cleaning and a recently diagnosed chronic illness – I don’t have the energy. I’m always touched out or exhausted/in pain.
My husband rarely spends time with us. And he is always on his phone when he is. 85% of his free time he’s on his computer. He also seems annoyed when I ask him to watch our child (even for 20 minutes so I can shower), so I stopped asking him. I am rarely ever alone.
Admittedly we only have sex once a month. It only happens when I can find a babysitter because I refuse to have sex with the baby in the bed. He says he feels unwanted because physical touch is how he feels love and he can’t give me what I need if he isn’t getting what he needs. He is great for a few days after we are intimate, but reverts back to avoidant and dismissive. I do everything I can to make him feel wanted, but sex is where I’m lacking. I try to hug, cuddle and kiss him even on the days I don’t feel like it. I always try to verbalize that I love him and find him attractive.
I feel like I’m killing our marriage by not feeling any sort of sexual desire. We have had countless conversations about what the other needs and I know I need to give him what he needs in order for him to feel happy, wanted and desired (then my needs can be met). We are in counseling which hasn’t seemed to change anything.
Does anyone have tips on how I can increase my libido? Or how I can force myself to be in the mood?
TL;DR: I have no sex drive and need to figure out how to kickstart it so my husband doesn’t want a divorce.